


A Fish Tale

by WerewulfTherewulf



Series: Surf & Turf [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Bar fights, Blow Jobs, Fili's time of the month (full moon), Gen, Jealousy, M/M, Mer!Fíli, Naive!Fili, Oblivious!Kili, Prince!Fili, Recreational Drug Use, Soft bro fun, Surf and Turf au, They start out as really good buddies, Were!Mer!Fili, but then, confused!Kili, future smut, seaweed - Freeform, things get pretty gay, wet dreams
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-04-02 14:59:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4064293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WerewulfTherewulf/pseuds/WerewulfTherewulf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili meets an eccentric man at the beach one day, thinking him to be a weird Icelandic tourist. Instead it turns out the man's a gay mermaid who likes sitting around his apartment all day eating pizza and smoking seaweed. Typically not the kind of person Kili tends to hang around, he finds something oddly endearing about the oddball and is thrust into a life he never imagined was possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kili sipped at his coconut water through the rainbow bendy straw, watching an odd man across the market. He had just gone on his forty minute break from work as a pizza delivery boy and made the ten minute trip to the small local market by the sea to get his usual lunch.

Before Kili was able to get a gyro, he had noticed the odd blond man bouncing from stall to stall, chattering excitedly. He was wearing a big sombrero and a tacky vest, am equally garish sarong tied around his waist. He had on a pair of yellow plastic sunglasses and had nothing on his feet except sand between his toes. There was something strange going on with his legs, but Kili chalked it up to being some really intricate tattoo work, made shiny and shimmery by some very light and very fine leg hair. Leaning forward on his bike’s handlebars, a small smile stretched across Kili’s face.

This man, obviously a tourist of some sort, was highly amusing. He kept reaching into some sort of tweed canvas shoulder bag, pulling out random nautical objects and trying to barter them for other products from the stalls he was visiting (which was all of them.) Now, he was trying to hand a clerk a large conch shell while holding a couple of mangoes. The clerk wasn’t having it.

The strange tourist looked put out for only a split second before he perked right back up, shook the clerk’s hand over enthusiastically and for way too long, then moved onto the next stall. The way he walked was even odd... he loped around like he was drunk, not walking straight and frequently stumbling or tripping on his own feet.

His shenanigans carried on over and over and over. As he moved through them, the clerks manning them had wised up to his antics, and the majority of them shooed him away before he could begin. Some, though, listened to his broken English, and even traded with him out of amusement.

It was as Kili was checking his phone for the time, getting his things together and getting ready to head back to work that the man happened to walk past him. He screeched to a halt directly in front of Kili, tilted his head curiously and sniffed the air. That only seemed to further confuse him, but not as much as Kili was as he stared at the man before him.

He had no body hair. None at all. Now the tattoos on his legs, incredibly detailed scales tapering off into a translucent fin design at his feet, baffled Kili even more. How were they so shiny? How did they glitter? The hair he did have, the golden mop sitting on top of his head, was a tangled mess and tied back into a bun with some strange looking thin rope. Several small beads and shells were laced throughout. His skin was tanned from sunbathing, and his eyes were an almost luminescent cerulean. Kili’s gaze returned to the foreigner’s just in time to see him point straight at Kili's chest.

“ _Whoa_. You, good... smell. What you smell?” He said matter-of-factly, struggling with his words.

Kili was taken aback. “Uh… what? Pizza, probably.”

“Peeza? Oh kay. Whoa nice.” the man nodded. He didn't say anything else, instead opting to examine Kili's bike with determination, as if trying to figure out what it was and how it worked. Ignoring Kili, the man turned and left, looking very confident for someone who more than likely had no clue where he was headed.

Kili watched him go in a sort of daze, wondering if he'd see the man around ever again. The blond would probably keep to the village, which was a tourist hot spot being next to the beach, so hopefully not. Kili lived and worked in the large city attached to it. It was only a short ten minute bike ride there, and Kili loved speeding down the winding road to see the landscape and feel the wind in his hair.

And he was right, Kili didn't see the other man out and about the local tourist spots, taking pictures or buying souvenirs, asking directions or getting in the way, much to Kili's relief. A month and a half later, that all changed.

"Kili!" his boss shouted from across the kitchens. "I have an order for you. It's not too far away, this is your second chance. Don't fuck it up, please!"

Kili rolled his eyes. "It wasn't my fault! The fucking kid got in my way, he appeared out of nowhere and just _stood_ there-- !! Look, I'm out the door. I'm leaving, I'm leaving!" he grabbed the pizza out of his boss' hands along with a small slip of paper with the customer's address on it. Behind the building was where he kept his bike locked up, and as he rode back down the alley on it with the pizza, he made sure to be constantly on the lookout for rogue children running around or random bits of roadwork that always seemed to be here or there. His boss was right, though. It only took him just over five minutes to get to their customer's place; an old, dingy apartment building on the edge of the slums.

Locking his bike up to the building, Kili jogged up the stoop to the front entrance, hurriedly looking up the apartment number. The customer hadn't given a name, just an address, and looking at the handwritten nameplate didn't help matters. In fact, there wasn't even a name written there. It was a small doodle of a smiling person with long hair and a few shells drawn in. Kili's eyes narrowed as he examined it, a sense of foreboding and familiarity settling in his chest. He pressed the buzzer, waiting for an answer. It didn't come for two minutes and thirty-seven seconds, during which Kili buzzed again, twice.

"Yes! Here? Yes? Yes!" a frantic voice called out, causing Kili to pinch the bridge of his nose. Great. He pushed the other button, letting him talk into the speaker.

"Pizza! Let me up!" he said.

"Yes? You come up. I here, wait, yes."

Kili let out a long sigh. "No, man, you gotta let me in! Let me in! Don't you know how?"

"N... Not know? Yes? You come up!" the voice was confused to the point it started rambling in a foreign language, one that Kili couldn't imagine beginning to place.

"I can't come in until you let me! Press the green button. G-R-E-E-N BUTTON." a loud series of beeps rang out from the speaker, making Kili wince. "No! GUH-REEEEEEN. Not the red one! The other button!" more beeping and buzzing from the speaker followed, and Kili had given up with his head resting against the wall, his arm above his head. The pizza in his other hand was starting to cool down. Kili's heart skipped a beat when he heard a long tone, followed by the door unlocking.

"Yes? I do now? Yes?" came the hopeful voice from the speaker. Kili, already on his way into the building, stopped and ran back to the speaker.

"Yes, you did it! I'll be up in a second!" he declared, feeling a bit accomplished. That was, until the door slammed shut and locked itself. "NO!" he shouted, frantically pressing the customer's buzzer again.

"What? You up? Yes?"

"No... I need you to press the button again... the green one, please..."

"Oh okay."

Kili quickly slid through the unlocked door and up the winding staircase. He had no issue finding the right apartment, and pounded on the door impatiently. The door swung open, revealing the blond tourist from over a month ago. A grin stretched across his face upon seeing Kili, and he grabbed his arm and tugged him inside.

"You!" he said, ignoring how Kili tried to hand him his pizza. "Is you! From beach, I know." Kili nodded and thrust the box into the man's arms.

"Yeah, that's right. We saw each other that one time. So hey, that'll be--"

"You make peeza?" he put it onto a small kitchen table, opening the box and inhaling its scent. "Ahhh, good." he smiled.

"It's pee-tzah, not peeza. And no, I don't make it, I just deliver it."

"Peeza.  ?"

"Pee-tzah."

"Peeza."

Kili sighed and looked at his phone for the time. "Okay, look, I don't have time for this. You owe me some money, dude, and I got to get back to work."

"Yes, yes, I have." the blond nodded and turned to the other room, searching for his money and muttering to himself in that weird foreign tongue. Several small stacks of it lay strewn about on the coffee table, no care put into keeping it safe.

"Whoa, hey man. You might want to hide that... or put it in a bank. It's not safe to-- you know what, whatever. I'm probably not even getting tipped for this shit anyway,"

The man came back over and handed Kili a stack, confused. "Tip? What is tip?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it man." he handed back the stack of money, being honest and only taking the cost of the pizza.

"No, what tip?"

"I said don't worry--" Kili jerked back slightly when the man grabbed his wrist, looking him dead in the eyes.

"You want tip? I tip. What-is-tip?"

Kili sighed and looked over to a yellowed wall for a brief second. He grabbed the stack of money out of the man's hands again, and looked at the bills. The smallest there was a five, so he took that. He gestured to it as he handed the rest back. "This is a tip. You give it to people who bring you things. A few dollars will do. 'Kay look that's all I needed, we're done here. I'll see you later," not. Kili thought, pocketing the money and heading towards the door.

"Bye. Bye!" he heard, the man clearly still unsure about his English. Kili couldn't help but smile faintly and roll his eyes. Well, it was a lot better than the last time he had seen him.

After Kili got back to the shop and finished his shift, he clocked out, rode home, and prepared for a nice, long week of well-earned vacation. And nice it was. Beyond that, even. He got drunk with friends, stayed up late playing video games and even stayed with his mother. One of the days down at the beach market, he had even seen the oddball blond again. He stayed well out of his sight though, though it didn’t take much effort. He was already laying on a towel on the beach, slathered in sunblock. Laying on his stomach, he hid his face in his arms as Blondie walked past, collecting nautical trinkets washed up by the surf. He kept staring back to the far off ocean, seemingly deep in thought, and Kili couldn't help but wonder about him. Where was he from? Why did he move here? What the hell language was it that he spoke? Kili put it to the back of his mind. He still had two days to himself, and he was not going to spend them thinking of some crazy foreigner.

The second Kili's boss caught sight of him, he let out a huge sigh of relief. "Thank God. I don't know what you did to leave an impression on this guy, but he will not take pizza from anyone else!" he briefly explained.

"Wait, what? Who?" Kili asked, baffled.

"There's a customer who's been ordering a pizza from us every day-- he doesn't even say what kind of pizza, he just says _pizza_ \-- but every time someone's gone out to deliver it, that asshole wouldn't take it! He'd let them up, then turn them away! He doesn't know your name, but he keeps saying shit like... Mira, what was it?"

A voice from the back shouted out. " _'You not him! Not bike, not cute, not good smell! No pizza not brown!'_ " it mocked in an absurd voice. “You’re the only one with a bike, Kili!”

Kili groaned.

"No... not him. I am not delivering to him, he's a fucking weird-ass," he complained.

"He sure is a weird-ass. But he's a weird-ass with money. Kira saw it when she went. You are delivering this pizza to that boy, and you are taking his money! Make sure he keeps ordering from us, too. Flaunt your ass or something,"

"God dammit, buzz off I'm not doing that shit. I'll take the pizza, but nothing more. I'll try and talk to him or something," Kili told them, grabbing the two pizzas he was sure weren't really ordered and heading out the door.

Outside on the stoop, he buzzed the apartment and waited.

"Is it peeza?" came the all too familiar voice not a minute later. Kili felt oddly proud at the man's new speed record, though he was sure it came from ordering pizza every day.

"Yeah, hey, it's me, let me up," Kili told the speaker.

"Yes, you!! Come up!" the voice cheered, the door unlocking instantly. Hallelujah, Kili thought, it didn't even take a minute this time.

When he reached Apartment #29D, the door was already open and it's owner standing outside it, waiting. Seeing Kili, he jumped at him and grabbed his hand, shaking it frantically.

"He-llow! Howare you? Nice-weather we having? See I learn." he grinned. His eyes were bloodshot, and a very distinct smell wafted from him.

"Yeah, I see. Good for you. Are you high? Don’t answer that. _How_ high are you?” Kili covered his mouth and nose and coughed, "Oh, shit. That's some potent stuff."

"Oh, is two! I just say pizza, I get two now?" The man grabbed the pizzas and walked back into his home, leaving the door wide open and either ignoring Kili's observation or just not understanding it. When Kili didn't follow him in, he looked back at him expectantly. Kili grimaced, but stepped in after him, coughing a couple of times when he entered the smoky haze.

"Wow. Nah, they know you only ordered one, but my boss is an asshole and is trying to swindle you out of your money," as he said the words, his eyes slid over to the coffee table where sure enough, there were those stacks of money hanging about. Not bothering to ask, Kili went ahead and walked over, grabbed them and looked around for a place to store them.

The apartment was mostly empty, but there was at least a dusty looking cookie jar sitting on an empty bookshelf. It was a cheaply painted snake, something the blond must have bartered someone for or had found in the thrift store. He went over and made a show of placing the money into it.

"Hey see this? This is where you keep your money now. You can't let people see that shit hanging around, alright?"

Blondie watched him intently and ever-curious. He nodded. "Yes, okay. Neighbor help me get me munnies. I give him my munnies and he give me this,” He explained, gesturing to the cookie jar. “I eat now? I very vvv-uh-ood."

Kili laughed, the sound making Blondie look at him in awe.

"Yeah I fucking bet you're food. Ehr, hungry. Guess it's a good thing I brought two pizzas, huh?" he went over and grabbed himself a slice as soon as his host was done grabbing three. "I don't know why but I can't say I imagined you as a stoner. You got any more? I'll take that as my tip this time," he offered.

"You want? Yes, okay, here," the man reached behind the open pizza boxes and handed Kili a fox-head shell stuff with some weed and a lighter.

"A shell! What?! Oh my god, dude, you're crazy," Kili laughed, sparking the lighter and taking a hit. Blondie smiled and shrugged.

"I get at beach. I see you, at beach. You sleeping."

Kili choked on the smoke and coughed as his throat burned. "You saw me there??" he asked, tears in his eyes.

"Yes, I see. You sleeping, burning, I not bother. Is... rude?"

"Ah, yeah, yeah, that's chill. Thanks for that, I guess. ... Hey, man, what's your name?" Kili asked him while stuffing a piece of pizza into his mouth. Blondie seemed to struggle with this question for  a while, before answering with one of his own.

"Who you? You name? I hard time my name." he took another hit from the shell, then transferred all the pizza and himself over to the sofa and coffee table, Kili following after him.

"I'm Kili, nice to meet you, Blondie,"

"!! Is me! Not-- Blon-dee. Yes is me! Say again?"

"Um... Kili?"

"Yes, I am Kili. Not... is close... I can't... not know, ugh! Is like… vvvvuh-oood, you say now," Kili slid around on the couch until he was laying his head on the other man's lap.

"Uh, _what_? Here, I’ll go letter by letter. Biiiilly? Cili? Dili?"

"No. No. Is no..."

"... Fili? Gili? Hili?"

"No, no-- wait. Yes. Yes! Say again."

"Hili?"

" _No._ "

"Gili?"

“No!”

“Fili, then,”

"Yes! That is yes. I not can say... Vuh? Vvvvvuh-ili? No vuh at home, but name is that."

Kili stared up at Fili as he battled with the pronunciation, his face contorted in irritation.

“Fffff. Not vvvvv. It’s softer. Try whispering it, like this,”

Fili’s face relaxed. “Vvvvvfffffffff--”  
“Yeah, man! You got it! Nice job,” Kili cheered, reaching his arm over his shoulder and patting Fili’s thigh. Fili grinned, patting his own head.

“Yiss, fffffffffffuh! Ffffffffuh-ili! Fffffili! Fili. Fili!”

Kili smiled. “So Fili, where is home? Where are you from?"

At that question, Fili had to stand up. Kili caught himself before his head hit the empty spot on the couch, and he watched as Fili rummaged around looking for something. Finally he held up a tiny slip of paper in triumph.

"Uh, um… I-- I-I-zzzz… l-lannnnd?" he guessed, his eyes narrowed as he struggled to read.

"... What? Island?” Kili got up and walked over to stand next to the blond.

“Um, no? I-- I not can read--” Fili whined, looking stressed.

“Oh, um, that’s fine. English is a bitch to learn. Here let me look at it… Iceland? You're from Iceland?"

"Yes! I am Eyesland. Kili is Sandland, Fuh-ili is Eyesland!"

Kili snorted as he sat up. "Sandland? Nah man, this is Hawaii. Why did you come here, Fee? Iceland is one hell of a trip from Hawaii,"

Fili's eyebrows scrunched together and he shook his head.

"You here long, you go? You job. Go more peeza, you are go now." he dodged the question, and Kili checked the time.

"Shit, you're right. I'd better get, I've still got shit money to earn." He walked over to Fili and shook his hand, "Thanks for the toke, man." and grabbed a few slices to go. "I'll see you around maybe, yeah? Don't order pizza every day though, you'll get fat and gross."

"No peeza?"

"Not at all, just not every single day. There’s tons of other food out there, you should go out and try some,"

"Oh, okay, I try. Bye?" Fili smiled.

"Yeah, later,"

"Bye!"

Kili walked out of the building feeling like a different person. He went in abhorring the thought of having to deal with the blond man, but now he felt a bit of companionship with him. Fili. Fili the odd Icelander.

  

* * *

 

 

Song of the day: If You Give a Mer a Pizza [It Will Come Back](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgWOJIC6Kp8) by Hozy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fab art by [SonsofDurin95!!!!](sonsofdurin95.tumblr.com)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys go THING shopping!

Two months had gone by since Kili first met Fili. After getting high together for the first time, Fili’s daily calls to the pizzeria dwindled down from the seven days a week to five. Two to order actual pizza, three to call and see if Kili wanted to hang out. Kili always had to tell him that he couldn’t right then because he was actually at work, but would promise to drop by afterwards to chill.

As promised, Kili would show up three out of five times, and they’d lay around, smoking, eating cold pizza and chatting.

One day, Kili asked him where he got his weed. It had been almost four months since Fili moved to Hawaii and he still couldn’t even get to the corner store a quarter of a mile down the street without getting lost and scared (even when Kili was with him.) How was he getting such dank weed?!

Fili just grinned and nodded before dragging Kili to his bedroom. It was grey and empty except for the glittery stickers on one wall, several strips of dried seaweed tacked to another ( _what the hell kind of modern art is that?_ Kili wondered) the sad double mattress lying on the ground and the beat up old bedside table. There wasn’t even a sheet on the bed, just a plush comforter decorated with waves. Fili led him over to the dried seaweed and gestured to it, looking back and forth between it and Kili.

“Seaweed? I don’t get it. What… are you trading for it with _seaweed_?” he asked. Fili shook his head.

“No. This is it,” he said. Kili’s eyebrows were weighed down in confusion.

“Seaweed.”

“Mhm!” Fili smiled.

“Sea… wee-- oh. my. god,” Kili turned around and slid down the wall with his face in his hands. “I can not believe this shit.” he said as Fili crouched down next to him and tried to see if he was okay.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Fil. … Unbelievable…”

“What? Is true. Bleav it. Is all places at home, grow every place but I grow it speshy-al. Ell’dn and Ellerhir are bring it to me, they are sell it too and are bring me munnies they get,” Fili explained, nodding assuredly. “Is nice,”

Kili slowly looked up at him.

“Are you telling me you’re a dealer? You grow your own weed and sell it,”

Fili shrugged.

“Uh… yes? My uncle… he tell me to get mine own munnies, so I am do this now. I likes it and I get munnies too! Is nice,”

Kili just stared at him blankly.

“Well alright then, let’s go watch TV or some-- Fili.”

“What,”

“You don’t have a TV do you?”

“What is that?”

Kili stared at Fili in horror.

“What do you mean, _what is that?_ A TV!”

“Yes, what is it?”

“... … Iceland is fucking weird.”

"No you!"

From rested his head on the wall. He looked over to Fili, who was leaning against the wall in a crouch facing Kili. They stared at each other, analyzing all the small details with his dry, red eyes.

"Fili, you need a TV. What's your budget? How much money you got?" he asked.

"Lots. No problem," Fili flapped a hand lazily, smiling.

Kili raised his head slightly.

"Well I mean, I'm sure you have a lot, but it might not be enough. TVs are pretty expen--"

"No I have lots. Is okay, no worry," Fili hopped to his feet and helped Kili up. "Where we are go?" he asked.

Kili stretched his back, groaning in satisfaction at feeling his spine crack. Fili watched him, ever curious. "We're going to the mall, I guess. There's a Best Buy in there, and a Gamestop. Other shit too, tons of it. Prolly get you some clothes, too... You've got like what, four tanks and two pairs of shorts? And one pair of hemp sandals." Kili patted him on the shoulder. "And before you ask, a mall is... a huge building full of mini shops!"

Fili quirked his head, but took in the information gladly. They finished getting ready, and Kili toted Fili off onto his bike all the way to the mall, which was an adventure itself for Fili. A not so very pleasant adventure where Kili found out that Fili had never been on anything with wheels, and had no sense of balance at all. He panicked when Kili got them moving, and even caused them to fall over six or seven times in the beginning.

They arrived at the mall, and Fili was a bit overwhelmed by the number of people there, proving that Fili was a liar and totally did not go downtown all by himself all the time like he had told Kili. He started becoming self-conscious when he noticed several people staring at his legs, pointing and whispering at the bright, sea green scale tattoos.

"Kili..." he muttered, shuffling behind the man. Kili smiled in sympathy.

"Don't worry about it, ignore them. They're just curious. Think of the endgame, yeah? Lots of new stuff for your apartment," he told him, waiting for Fili to nod before continuing. Like a nervous child, Fili grabbed onto Kili's wrist for the first half hour, until they arrived at their first destination. Fili was in such awe his grip slipped from Kili's arm and he stared wide-eyed at the shop. It was Best Buy, and it was filled with a plethora of flashing screens.

"W... what? What is-- Kili, it is? What? What?!" flabbergasted, Fili's already limited vocabulary was near obliterated in his astonishment. Kili couldn't help but laugh and throw his arm around Fili's shoulders.

"This is an electronics store. These are... electronics? It's so weird that you don't know-- okay well first we'll get you a TV, then games... Fili?"

Fili had run up to one of the television sets and was gingerly poking at the screen. "This people? IN here?? Kili why? They want this? How they get there?"

A grinning Kili walked up next to him and began trying to explain how televisions worked to the best of his ability.

"A cell phone is an electronic, too... how'd you get one of those?"

Fili looked up at him, confused, and shook his head. "I not have." he said.

Kili asked then how he ordered pizza so often. "I use neighbor." he shrugged. Kili stared at him, but had no choice but to accept it.

"Alright, well... you'll need one of those too. So we can stay in touch! I'll help you pick out your stuff."

"Is all so big though, how are we get it back?"

"We can have it delivered! Tonight, hopefully. I want to set up some video games and teach you that, so you can get good but I can still beat your ass," Kili teased.

Fili wasn't sure what any of that meant, but from the context clues he was somewhat able to go with the flow. "No, I beat your ass," he countered, puffing out his chest and bumping up against Kili.

"Whoa there sailor, no need to get worked up," Kili teased. Fili scoffed.

"I am not sailor, I am beautiful merman!"

"Wh- okay, not the choice most men would make, but whatever man, you're Icelandic. You guys are weird."

The following half hour was spent browsing large HDTVs, Fili getting sucked into each of them. Kili dragged him away and to the other end of the store where they kept gaming consoles. Kili walked Fili through his options, but he was biased towards the Xbox systems, and it was very apparent even to Fili. Kili didn't mind carrying that purchase for the rest of their trip while they scurried around the mall. Everything seemed to interest Fili, every single shop. He was particularly enamored with a shop that was catered towards little girls-- Claire's. He really enjoyed the small hair accessories, and even bought a few sets of hair clips, earrings and necklaces; colorful bows, rainbow shapes and sea animals with googly eyes.

Afterwards, they ran into a flamboyant kiosk worker who gave them sample manicures on one hand each. Fili fell in love with it, and bought one of the expensive kits. Facials came next, at the miniature spa center. They were laid back on massage tables and given loose booty shorts to wear, but no shirts allowed. It was then Kili noticed that Fili's scale tattoos extended up to just above his groin, ending right on his hips. _That’s some real dedication_ , he thought. _It must’ve hurt having the tattoo gun so close to his junk!_

As they lay back, relaxing, Fili got bored and ate the cucumber slices that were placed on his eyes. He enjoyed the refreshing crunch so much, he ate Kili's too. A taste of the cream on his own face though left him sputtering in disgust. Getting through the perfume department left them both in the same state, choking for air and leaning against each other, walls, and foliage to catch their breaths. Fili seemed to have an especially troubling time and was still wheezing long after they escaped the section.

In the center of the mall, they ran into the giant mermaid fountain. Fili shouted out in amusement, then contorted his body to match that of the statue's. It was... impressive, and surprisingly graceful. He even began singing a jaunty tune in what Kili assumed was Icelandic, something that reminded him of the sea. It was cute to watch, but it was nothing compared to Fili first spotting the fish shop.

He stopped in his tracks, letting Kili slam into him from behind. He raised an arm and pointed.

"Kili." his voice was deep, somewhat predatory. "Kili, what is it."

"Huh? Oh, just a fish shop. You wanna go in?" Kili asked, moving next to him. Fili didn't even answer, he went ahead and walked to the shop, determined.

"What we do here? I need this."

Kili followed after him, curious. "Need what? A fish?"

"Yes. Fish. All this fish I need." Fili told him, eyeing up one of the tanks fiercely. “This is i-im… imported to me. I need this fishes.”

Kili noticed that all the fish in the shop were asking rather oddly. Every single one was following Fili around. All the fishes were amassing in the corner of their tanks, all pointing at Fili. Kili watched them warily, not sure how to react.

As Fili leered at one tank, he suddenly jerked back as if struck. He whipped around to another tank and glared.

"What? Say again?" he asked tersely. Kili looked from him to the fish several times. Then Fili opened his mouth again, and what came out was not English.

 **"What did you just say, punk? You say that shit again and I'll pluck your scales from your body,"**  he slid right up to the tank and prodded a finger at it viciously. He reeled back, in horror. **"That is not your business! Of course I know he's upset! Doesn't mean I'm going back. I don't want-- he deserved it! He won't come to get me, that's stupid, he loathes the land and those that dwell on it. And he is a coward."**  he stood up straight and looked to the clerk behind the counter, who was as concerned and puzzled as Kili.

"Lady, I buy all this fish. All them, now please."

The woman nodded, hesitatingly slightly before grabbing a large plastic bag and fish scoop. She brought them over to Fili and began scooping them out, one by one, though they avoided her with all their might. With a shaky hand, she gave the bag to Fili, the fish moving wildly within it.

 **"Yeah? How do you like me now??"** Fili laughed, thrusting his free hand into the bag and expertly pulling out one of the fish. He leaned in real close to it and hissed, **"I piss on your family and on all the things they eat,"** before leaning his head back and dropping the fish down into his mouth. Kili stood stock still as he gaped at Fili, unable to comprehend what was happening. He continued watching, uncomfortable, as Fili awkwardly bought a large fish tank of his own to bring home with him.

“You take to my house for me? I not carry, is too big,”

As they left the little store, the bags of fish in a cardboard box to carry easier, Kili laughed uncomfortably.

"So uh... Fil, is that normal in Iceland? Yelling at fish like that and then... eating them? Do you guys do sushi there?"

"Soo she?" Fili asked.

"Yeah, y'know, sushi. ... raw fish? Do you guys from Iceland eat raw fish?"

A grin stretched across Fili's face and he laughed. "Yes! We eat it lots and lots. It is soo she?"

"Yeah, sushi. It's Japanese traditionally, but I guess... you do it in Iceland too?" Fili nodded again. Kili still seemed to be in a bit of a daze, so Fili nudged him and mentioned clothing. "Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's go ahead and get that done then. There's a Macy's that way, let's go. You need underwear, you’re starting to stink. Do you even bathe?"

When they finally arrived back at Fili's apartment, they were pleasantly surprised to find the delivery men with his new television there waiting. They were grumpy to have been kept for some time, but the boys ignored it. The deliverymen helped to bring it in, then walked out the door the second they had a tip in their hands and leaving Kili to hook up the television himself. He didn't mind much, and told Fili to go put his new wardrobe away while he set it and the Xbox up (Fili had no place to put them, so he gently placed and organized them into a corner on the floor.) Chinese food was ordered in bulk, movies were rented and an aquarium was set up for Fili's sushi.

Fili prepared more seaweed with his grinder, and forcefully volunteered to answer the door and get the food (he very much enjoyed interacting with others) while Kili popped in Jaws. Big mistake. Not caring whether or not he had food in his mouth, Fili spent the majority of the film ranting about the bad light sharks were being held in.

 _Shoks is ass hole yes but not this big ass hole_  this, and o _nly scurry thing is how not true is_  that, Kili was most certainly relieved when Fili ended up falling asleep from all the day's excitement.

 

* * *

 

 

The song of the day is: [Friends by Flight of the Conchords](https://youtu.be/EgCLAc5cndg?t=25) ;)

IF for some reason you are invested in this _utterly ridiculous_ story and would like spoilers for a lot of what's happening next chapter, here you go![ My notes](http://werewulftherewulf.tumblr.com/post/120680899805/a-fish-tale-notes-below-deck-vvvvvvvvv).

[The boys after spa date](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nlzh4AWGxJY)


	3. Chapter 3

“Kili, your boyfriend is on the phone again! He sounds pretty upset.”

Having just come back in from a delivery, Kili pulled off his company hat, yanked out his hair fork and ran a hand through his long hair as it fell down his back, hurrying behind the counter.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” he sneered at his co-worker. He grabbed the phone, putting it to his ear. “Hey babe,” he greeted. He held the phone to his ear by his shoulder and made faces at his co-workers as they slacked around having nothing to do.

_“Help Kili!”_

“What’s wrong?” Kili frowned and stood up straight, his full focus now on Fili.

_“Come over and see now!”_

“Well, I can’t right now, I’m at work, you know that…” Kili said softly. He heard Fili whine.

_“9-1-1 Kili come help! Pizza! I buy pizza come over now!”_

Kili rolled his eyes.

“I'm glad you finally learned the emergency number, good. Now you don't have to call me if you set your apartment on fire again. What do you want on-- Fili? _Fili?_ Ugh. Hey, guys, make me Fili’s pizza, would you? You know, with the… the extra pineapple, and the mushrooms, seaweed and olives-- olives on the side though. And some pepperoni there too, a stack of it. Yeah, that’ll do, thanks.”

When Kili arrived at Fili’s apartment nearly forty minutes later, he was almost immediately bombarded by the blond. They stumbled back together while Fili grabbed at Kili’s face. Kili was forced to toss the pizza as gently as possible off to the side before he was slammed back into the wall. Unfortunately, it landed poorly on Fili's couch, causing it so slide off and hit the ground face first.

“What!? What is it, Fil??” Kili questioned, trying to move away and look around. Instead, Fili held his face firm in his hands only a few inches away. He said nothing, just stared at Kili intently. Kili continued searching Fili’s face, concerned and confused.

“Fili, I don’t-- I don’t understand, what’s… wrong? Oh shit! You’ve got stubble!” a bright grin stretched across Kili's face.

That was the answer Fili was looking for, and he nodded his head frantically.

“Yes, yes, yes. No! Is wrong, should not have it there. Why is this, Kili?”

Kili took a step back and contorted his face. “What the fuck do you mean, ‘why is this?’ It’s normal! … At least, here it is. Fili, is facial hair not normal in Iceland?”

“No!” Fili yelped, rubbing his hands about his face, agitated.

“Are you saying this is the first time you’ve ever had facial hair?! That’s ridiculous!”

“You are ridikulus! I am ugly now!” Fili spat. He stormed into his apartment and plopped down onto his sofa, crossing his arms and pouting like a toddler. Kili followed him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Nah, hey man, you aren’t ugly. You're actually pretty hot for a dude. Look at me, I've got stubble and I’m handsome as fuck!” that made Fili laugh out loud, and Kili wasn’t sure whether or not to be offended.

“Nah, dude, you look less like a baby, now. And it’s scientifically proven that dudes get hotter when they get hair on their face. You’ll get all the ladies in the world with some stubble, I swear it,”

Fili grimaced for a moment, and his eyes flashed up to Kili with uncertainty.

“ _All_ the ladies?”

Kili nodded, grinning. “Yeah, _all_ of them. … Except the ones I want. … And my exes. That’s just fucked up, man, so don't do it. Also... you'll probably attract hookers like crazy so I'd avoid going out at night. Don't hook up with street ladies, you'll get crabs. Anyway, what I'm saying man: Fili, you've got it going on. And do you know what that means?” he flung an arm around Fili’s shoulder.

“Crabs? I has pet crab before. Was fucking jerk. But no what it is mean?”

“Now that you’ve gone through puberty, we have to go out and celebrate. And by celebrate I mean we should go out and drink. But not now, I still have to work for a few hours. But after that! Beer!”

Fili nodded. “Okay. You come back in few hours, I go buy drinks?"

"Nah, man! We're going out! Just sitting in all the time gets pretty boring, you know? So we're going hit the town. Just wait for me to come back later, alright?"

"Yes," Fili agreed, "I watch movies until then?" he asked. Kili smiled and nodded, clapping Fili on the shoulder. "Yeah man that'll do. Seeya in a bit," he gestured goodbye to Fili before leaving back to work.

 

True to his word, Kili showed back up three hours later. He found Fili standing in the middle of the sidewalk in front of his apartment’s stoop, grinning and waving at anyone who rushed by him, yelling at him for being in the way. Kili rolled his eyes and grabbed the excited Fili by his elbow and dragged him over to his bicycle. They rode down to Kili’s favorite tavern, Fili falling off the front when they slowed down. Kili laughed at him while he whined over his scraped hands, but helped him up and paid for his first pint.

Fili quickly became attached to the little bowls of peanuts and pretzels sitting around, and soon the boys got into a brief peanut fight, throwing them at each other. The game ended all too soon when Fili scored a direct hit to one of Kili's eyes. It was Fili's turn to laugh at Kili's pain while Kili rubbed at his battle wound. They continued enjoying themselves for over an hour with friendly banter and some explaining to Fili about the the sports game playing on the corner television. After sitting in a comfortable silence together, Fili completely hypnotized by the television, Kili looked over to him.

“Hey I gotta pee. Come with me?”

Fili nodded before he pulled his eyes away from the basketball game and to Kili. He nodded again and tilted his head back as he gulped down the rest of his beer. “Yes, we pee together,” They both got up and shoved through the crowds over to the seedy bathrooms, sauntering in and taking up spots next to each other at a couple of urinals. After a long moment, Fili looked over at Kili, then down at his groin. He let out a sigh of relief.

“Oh, you have skin stick too, good,” he muttered. Kili’s head shot up and he stared back at Fili.

“A what?” he glanced down, “Oh. Yes, I have a dick. Of course I do? What the fuck are you going on about now,”

Fili hummed in response. “Dick? Not stick?”

“Dick. Penis. Wang, cock, sausage, sword.” Kili shrugged, tucking himself back in, “Y’know, dick.”

They stood staring at each other. Fili’s face progressively lost more and more color.

“S...ausage? Sausage is on pizza? I eat… DICK???” Fili gaped at Kili in horror. “Who is dick on pizza? Who is this dick??” when Kili didn’t reply immediately, too busy hiding his face in his hands and laughing, Fili became frantic. “Kili?!” he whined, grabbing the man’s shoulders and shaking him. "Who give this dick for pizza?! Kili?!"

“Get off!” Kili laughed, “don't touch me with your dirty cock hands, go wash them. It’s not dick, it’s a different kind of sausage. Sausage is just slang for dick. Penis is… the real word for it,” he explained. Fili’s head dropped onto Kili’s chest in relief. Kili rubbed his back. “Let’s go back out and grab a couple of drinks, yeah?”

Fili nodded, looking twenty years older as he let Kili lead him out of the restrooms, only to find that their spots at the bar had been taken. A quick look around revealed no other open seats.

“Damn,” Kili grimaced. “Oh, hey! There’s something I’ve been meaning to do with you, I just kept forgetting. I know this guy, he’s from Iceland too, he speaks Icelandic! I thought you’d want to meet ‘im? He could help you learn English better, maybe,”

“Oh, sound nice,” Fili smiled, following Kili outside to his bike. “We go now?”

“Yeah, if you want!” Kili grinned. Fili nodded and climbed onto the front of Kili’s handlebars, getting as comfortable as was possible when sitting in between narrow metal bars. Kili rode them to the outer limits of town until they reached the local college. They got lost for half an hour, but Kili finally managed to find the room he was looking for. Not bothering to knock, Kili barged right in.

“Elrond, hey! Are you here?” he called out. There was some shuffling from another part of the room, and a tall man glided over slowly. His brow raised steadily as he recognized Kili.

“Kili Layman. What a… pleasant surprise. And-- Fili? My, I really am surprised to see you here. Though I suppose I shouldn't be, I always knew you'd eventually show up.” he said, looking Fili up and down. Kili was shocked.

“You know Fili?” he asked. Fili and Elrond looked at each other then nodded.

“Yes. In fact, he too was one of my former students.” Elrond explained. Fili crossed his arms and looked away, his face turning a bright shade of red. Kili looked between them, shocked and amused.

“No way!”

Elrond smirked. “Oh yes. He was about as hardworking and studious as you, in fact,”

Embarrassed, Fili turned away and mumbled something in Icelandic as he walked to another part of the room, playing with some of the trinkets lying on a small table there. Elrond snorted.

“Died? I packed up my things and moved my family here! Did noone tell you?” he asked. Fili scrunched up his nose, but slowly walked back over. “The pay’s better here,” Elrond explained lightly.

He closed the short distance between him and Fili and yanked on the sheer hairs poking out of his face, teasing him. Fili yelped and slapped his hand away, holding the throbbing spot on his face with his other hand.

“So, to what do I owe the pleasure of seeing you both? I bet your uncle was thrilled to hear you were leaving, Fili,” Elrond asked pointedly, walking back over to his desk. He played with a few papers while Kili explained himself. Fili hissed quietly, muttering something to Elrond darkly in Icelandic. Elrond smirked.

“I know, I was just teasing…” he replied under his breath. He turned back to Kili, raising his impressive brow curiously.

“Well, I figured that since you’re both from Iceland, and Fili can’t really speak English really well that you’d be able to help him out!” he grinned widely. Elrond shot Fili a look then back to Kili to stare at him impassively.

“I don’t see why I would want to do that. I have lectures and hundreds of actual willing pupils to teach,” he stated. He glanced at Fili. “Fili could not be lower on that list,”

Kili shuffled his feet.

“Oh, well, I don’t know, I guess I just thought…” he shrugged, hiding his face behind his hair. Elrond sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You thought wrong, Kili. I don’t have the time to teach a stubborn prince something he should have learned years ago,”

“A prince?” Kili looked up, confused.

“What I can do for you is keep in touch. Kili, if anything opens up in my schedule, I’ll let you know. Meanwhile, _Fili_ , stay out of trouble. Don't do anything that will put us in the spotlight.”

"Who, us? What?" Kili questioned, still not completely sure what was going on between those two. Elrond brushed him off.

"Nothing that concerns you, don't worry about it,"

Kili sighed, dejected.

“Alright. Thanks anyway, Peredhel,” he said. He turned away and began walking towards the entrance, Fili following close behind while throwing a distrustful glance over his shoulder to Elrond.

 

A week later, Elrond had yet to contact Kili at all, and Kili was starting to forget they made the trip at all. Fili made for plenty of distractions. The blond yanked on Kili’s arm both excited and impatient.

“Hurry up! You say beach day, we do beach day! Only so long sun is up!”

It was Kili’s day off, and the weather was very fine. Kili had offhandedly mentioned that going to the beach wouldn’t be too bad an idea, and Fili immediately perked up and demanded that be exactly what they do.

Kili laughed and pulled free from Fili’s grip.

“Hold up man. Yeah, we’re here, but I gotta grab our shit first,” he explained, turning back to the awkwardly strapped-on bundle on the back of his old bike. With some struggle he undid the sunbaked bungee cords and fumbled to catch the items as they began falling as a result. Arms full of beach accessories, he turned and dumped some of them onto Fili, telling him to make himself useful. Fili nodded absentmindedly, not really paying attention. Instead, he was staring longingly out into the ocean and the beach, watching all the people there. Kili rolled his eyes dramatically.

“Alright, alright go on ahead and find us a spot. I’ll lock up the bike. Pick us a good one, yeah?”

"Yes I will find the best spot!" Fili promised as he shot over the short wall separating the parking lot and the beach. Kili found him settled on the sand near to the tide.

“Alright man, this is a bit too close. Let’s move back a bit or we'll drown maybe. Also put down this towel so we don’t get any sand in our butt or crotch! Any more anyway, you've probably already got gallons down there,” He snorted. Fili nodded and followed Kili, lightly tugging up the boxers Kili had lent him.

When Kili had told him earlier to get his swim gear ready, Fili just stared back at him, baffled. Kili told him that some boxers would work fine as a substitute, but Fili’s expression stayed the same.

“Dude. Boxers. Underwear? … You don’t have underwear? You’ve lived here for six months and you’ve never worn undies??” Kili had asked, incredulous. His gaze slipped to his friend's crotch. "How many times have we hugged and my dick has just been so close to your dick?" he thought out loud.  Fili just shrugged. So Kili took Fili to his own tiny apartment for the first time (this enthralled the blond and it was hard getting him to leave) and grabbed some boxers, towels, sun block and a large rain umbrella.

The shorts were a bit too big for Fili, and he kept having to pull them back up as they slipped down his hips. Kili messily set down the towels the best he could beneath the umbrella and dumped the rest of their items on one. He stood straight and rubbed his hands together.

“Right, sunblock, super important. You wanna go first or me?”

Fili tilted his head in bewilderment. “What is it?” he asked. Kili shrugged, too used to Fili not knowing what anything was to be shocked anymore. He bent over and grabbed the bottle, shaking it, opening the cap and squirting a little on his hands to show Fili.

“It’s this goopy stuff you rub on your skin if you go out in the sun. Keeps you from sizzlin’ like bacon,” he rubbed the lotion on his arm, then instructed Fili to go ahead and lay on his stomach. "Here I'll do you first, then you do me. I know it smells gross and feels weird but trust me dude, you're better with it than without,"

Without hesitation, Kili made himself comfortable straddling Fili, sitting on his butt. "God, your ass is like pillows," he muttered, squirting a bit of sunblock straight onto Fili's back. Fili looked over his shoulder at him from where his face had been resting between his crossed arms. He wriggled his butt playfully, but shivered and squeaked at the sudden coldness being spread on his back.

A smile stretched across Kili's face and he leaned forward and slathered the lotion all over Fili, smoothing it out evenly. Fili hummed in contentment and even began falling asleep as Kili began massaging his shoulders. Kili slid off Fili's butt and in between his legs as he began onto his thighs. Fili jerked up, uncomfortable and alarmed.

"Kili stop! No legs!" he whined, his face contorted in discomfort. Without a second though Kili scrambled up to his feet.

"Oh, shit man, I'm sorry, I didn't know."

Fili readjusted until he was sitting on his own butt and ran a hand through his hair. "No, is okay, you know now," he reassured Kili. He looked concerned at his legs, which seemed to be red and inflamed.

"Is it your tattoos? Are they just really sensitive?"

Fili shook his head and pursed his lips, not understanding, watching Kili as he plopped down next to him and pulled off his shirt, tossing it over his shoulder.

"Yeah, you know, permanent skin ink. Like this, tattoo is what it's called," Kili pointed out a tiny Celtic knot clover tattooed over his heart. Gently, Fili reached over and lightly rubbed the skin there as if trying to figure it out, tracing the lines.

"Oh, tattoo," he said softly, not taking his eyes away from it. "Yes, tattoo," Kili watched him affectionately. He finally grabbed the probing hand tenderly and pulled it away, telling Fili with a sheepish grin that it tickled him. Fili snickered and apologized, letting Kili shove him onto his back.

"I've still got to get your front, dude," he said, sliding to sit on Fili's hips. He poured more lotion onto his hands and smacked them onto Fili's chest, making the man grunt. He slathered the gel evenly and caressed his pecs, abs and neck. Fili continued letting out soft, pleasured sighs. Realizing that he was making his friend feel so great, Kili's chest swelled with happiness. He proceeded to apply sunblock and massage both of Fili's arms and hands and fingers intimately. He let go of Fili's last arm and let it thud heavily onto the beach towel, but Fili barely responded. Kili laughed and shook the man awake, making him groan and swat him away.

"So good... Kili do more, feel so good..." he moaned. Kili laughed harder and pulled him up by his arm, informing him that it was his turn to apply sunblock onto him! This woke Fili right up, and he seemed all too enthused to get a turn at it. He almost forcefully thrust Kili onto his stomach and assumed the position, squirting an unreasonable amount of sunblock onto a laughing Kili's back.

Kili laughed harder. "I can't see it but I can definitely feel that that's way too much,"

"Nope," Fili said adamantly, taking both his hands and spinning them in wide circles around Kili's back. "Doot doot doot," he singsonged, poking the skin with no real pattern set in his mind. He wiped his slate clean and made more little doodles, then went ahead and cleared it all off again, leaving Kili's back fully covered. After asking, he moved onto Kili's thighs and calves and feet, then his neck and arms and chest. Fili sat back on his arms, copying Kili.

"We can go swim now?" he asked hopefully.

"We just put on sunblock! We should wait a little while, or else the water will just rinse away our hard work! Let's just lay around for a bit, relax,"

Fili stared at Kili, turned to the ocean, then back to Kili. "How long we do this?"

Kili shrugged. "I don't know, a while?" this caused Fili to sigh loudly, but flop down onto his back nonetheless. He rolled onto his stomach and lay on the beach towel in defeat. Snorting, Kili lay back on his own towel. Putting his arms behind his head, Kili closed his eyes, smiling when he heard Fili let out an impatient sigh. Even through Fili's restless huffing, Kili managed to drift off into a lovely mind-numbing nap for a blissful half hour. He was ripped from the peace when Fili let out a high-pitched yip. Kili startled awake and sat up, confused.

He watched with rapt interest as Fili flew to his feet and fell backwards. Kili scanned the area and saw, sitting on Fili's towel and clacking it's claws angrily, a little red crab. It scuttled after Fili, pinching up a frenzy in the air. Fili fled from it, hopping wildly as he avoided getting pinched again. He himself began pinching at the air with his hands at his little foe. After several seconds, he was actually successful, grabbing the crab in one hand and pulling it into the air.

 **"You crabby little bitch! Who sent you, was it Thorin? Yeah, not so big and strong now, are you? Yeah that's right you little twat,"** Fili hissed at the crab, his face rather close to it. He yelped when the crab took the opportunity to pinch Fili's nose. Yanking it off, Fili turned towards the ocean and then flung it with all his might towards the water like a frisbee.

Kili watched in awe as the little critter twirled through the air with impressive precision for several yards before skipping and sinking like a stone back to it's home. Fili turned back to him, panting.

"You keep doing that thing... the yelling at sea creatures in Icelandic and then assaulting them thing. What's with that?" Kili asked, mildly worried. Fili just put his hands on his knees as he caught his breath.

"We go swim now," was all Fili said. It was with an air of finality that Kili didn't really want to argue with, but he still glanced at the water, unsure.

"But the crab, you just--"

"We swim now."

"Yup, okay, let's go play in the ocean," Kili surrendered and climbed to his feet, hurrying to Fili's side. Fili dragged him into the water and then immediately shoved him over. It was so sudden and unexpected, Kili came up laughing. He hurried back up and returned the favor to Fili. Underwater, Fili tickled one of Kili's feet, resulting in a spasm and solid kick to Fili's face. Fili resurfaced, sputtering through a bloody nose.

"Holy fuck! Are you okay?" Kili freaked out, wading over and gently grabbing Fili's face in his hands. Fili tried to nod, with disastrous results. More blood spilled out, and he choked for a second before retching up a giant jellied glob of blood onto Kili's chest. It hit with a quiet splat and slid down quickly, leaving a bloody trail behind it.

"Oh my god," Kili whispered, resting his forehead against Fili's. He was overwhelmed by the absurdity of it all. Reopening his eyes, Kili was met with Fili's own seemingly endless blue irises. They were blue like a beautiful and calm Caribbean, blue like the sea in the midst of a hurricane, and blue like the sky in beach pictures used for a computer's desktop; they were inches away from his own, which Kili figured were the color of poop.

Taking one of his thumbs, he wiped away the still-wet blood from Fili's nose, smearing it across his cheek. It had stopped bleeding though, much to Kili's relief.

"Better?" he asked. Fili nodded, a small smile on his face. Kili pat his cheek gently then took a couple steps back, looking around. He pointed off into the distance at a buoy. "Hey, race you there?"

Fili glanced at the buoy then stared at Kili. The dried blood on his face cracked when his cheeks stretched into a bright grin. When he realized Kili was serious, a shot of laughter burst from his chest, but he nodded over enthusiastically.

"Yes, okay!" he grinned. He giggled some more. "Okay," he repeated, unable to get rid of his smile. He didn't bother getting into any special starting position, letting Kili get ready. "You get head start,"

Kili didn't argue and began counting down.

"Well aren't you smug. Alright, three... two... one... GO!" he dove into the water, speeding away. He didn't see Fili at all, even after a minute or so of swimming. Kili had no doubt he was kicking some serious ass. He was confident in having challenged Fili in this competition, he had always been a strong swimmer. He won all the awards in his middle school competitions! As he neared the buoy finally, there was still no sign of Fili. A part of him was getting worried, but another part remembered the glee on Fili's face when Kili issued the challenge.

Finally reaching the buoy, Kili grabbed on and began to catch his breath. He looked around, searching for Fili. Something landed on his head with a wet smack, causing Kili to look up and throw a hand to his hair. There, sitting on top op of the buoy, was Fili, still looking smug as all hell. Kili pulled the object out of his hair and found it to be a starfish, writhing around wildly but seemingly reaching for Fili. Kili rolled his eyes and tossed the creature away, then smacking Fili's leg slightly.

"You knew you were going to win, damn you," Kili panted, smiling and shaking his head. Fili laughed at him, nodding. "You're like a damn fish, you are," Kili told him playfully.

"I'm no fish! I am beautiful mermaid," Fili whistled an odd tune and flipped his hair over his shoulder. Kili rolled his eyes again and called his friend a glamour queen. Fili started laughing again, but was interrupted by a sudden seagull flying over, pooping right on Fili's nose. This sent Kili into hysterics as Fili fell back into the ocean. The seagull was relentless, and flew around Fili's head, squawking like crazy. Kili started choking on sea water he was laughing so hard. Finally Fili, who was swatting at the annoying bird, gave up. He looked at Kili and said, "See you back on sand,"

He pat Kili on the back and disappeared back under the water. Kili noticed something shimmering on Fili's forearms, but he figured it a trick of the light. Instead, he focused on seeing when he surfaced for air, but he never did. Within a minute and a half he saw a tiny Fili climbing to shore and waving at him. But then the seagull returned. It swooped down and attacked Fili, and Kili watched as his buddy ran around, fleeing and swinging at the bird.

Kili figured now would be a good a time as any to return to shore. Taking a deep breath, Kili began his own trek back to the beach. When he arrived minutes later, Fili was sitting in the low tide, breathing a bit hard and... naked. The seagull was gone, but Fili was naked. Kili blanched. "Fil, where's your boxers?!" he asked, horrified.

Fili shrugged. "Your undies? They are big, I lose them in water," he explained. Kili groaned and dragged a hand down his face.

"Alright dude stay here, hide your bits, I'm going to grab your towel for you to wrap up in," Kili rubbed his back. When he returned, he helped Fili out with tying it around his waist but frowned when he noticed that Fili was wheezing slightly when he breathed. "Hey, you alright?"

Fili tried to wave him away. "Yes, I fine," he huffed. "Is nothing," it didn't deter Kili.

"Nah, man, you're not. Do you have asthma?"

"Azmuh? No, no azmuh." Fili shook his head, taking one deep breath through his nose and letting it out. "Hmm... How I say... when I was baby? Talking baby, dirty, sticky, walking baby,"

Kili laughed, "A toddler?"

"Yes, toddler. I get-- chocked?" Fili put his hands around his throat and squeezed lightly.

"Oh, choking. You got choked?!"

"Mmmm, yes no. Something tie around my neck, and I can't breath for long time. Make my... gills," he gestured to his neck, but Kili corrected him. "Lungs? Oh. It make my lungs hurt a lot. I have hard time breathing now, all the time. And the water! Air. So dirty, so, so dirty, it is toxic to me and family. Hurt lots, sometimes," Fili explained glumly, holding his his chin in his hands. "Not our fault, is... others'," he mumbled.

"Fili, that's awful," Kili lamented, throwing his arm around him. He pressed their cheeks together and hugged him tight. When he looked down, Kili noticed something on Fili's forearms; the same somethings that he caught a glimpse at earlier. They were very similar to the tattoos on his legs, in a weird fin-shaped pattern. "Fil, what's--" his eyes narrowed in suspicion, they weren't there before!. He looked up into Fili's eyes. "Fili?"

Fili took Kili's hand and put it on his closest knee. "Is nothing, is tattoo!" he explained almost frantically. He pulled Kili's hand to his forearm, where there was suddenly marks identical to his legs there. "Is tattoo. They always there, you just bonkers!" Fili grinned, knocking on Kili's head. Kili snickered and pulled away from the offense, nudging Fili's shoulder. They both looked up at the loud sound of something emerging from the ocean.

A man was there, standing shin-deep in the water. He had identical leg tattoos to Fili, but instead of a dark aquamarine, it was royal purple. He was wearing clothes made out of basic cloth and his long dark hair was pulled back into a simple ponytail. He clinged onto a sidebag, similar to the one Kili first saw Fili with. He stood staring straight at Fili, eyes wide. Both other men returned the shocked stare. Finally, the stranger moved.

"Prince Fili!" he exclaimed, bowing deeply before him. 

 

* * *

 

[Fili's 'tattoo' color](http://thumb1.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/441760/160731044/stock-photo-blue-green-background-teal-or-aquamarine-color-with-black-vignette-edge-and-vintage-grunge-160731044.jpg)  
[Stranger's 'tattoo' color](http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/441760/100989430/stock-photo-purple-background-or-blue-background-with-royal-purple-color-and-vintage-grunge-background-texture-100989430.jpg)

 Kili's last name is Layman, and Fili's fake adopted surname is Seaman. Aren't I clever :P

Song of the day: [~~Bret~~ Fili You've Got It Going On - Flight of the Conchords](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPyuZ6ZTqmo)


	4. Chapter 4

tags have been updated, rating's been changed! Oh and I apologize in advance for the uh...  _porn_. I've never done that nonsense before lmao so... enjoy the cliff hanger :D

song of the week: [Sirenes by Claude Debussey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QMAlGAoiuQ)

* * *

 

 Kili looked up at the clock for the third time in the last five minutes. Only two had passed. He sighed deeply and looked back out the front window, watching the people sprint through the rain and hurrying home. His head was held up by his hand and a grimace was ingrained on his face as he leaned over on the front counter. He glanced up at the clock and sighed again.

“Jesus Christ Kili, go home. I’m sick of you sulking around here like a damn slug, get the hell out of here,” his boss spat, standing in the doorway to the kitchen with his hands on his hips.

Kili stood and turned towards him. “I’ve still got an hour and a half though…” he pointed out. His boss shook his head.

“I could not give two shits. We’ve had little to no customers today because of the damn weather, and Khafi will be in in 30. Just fuck off already, take one of the leftover pizzas and sulk at home,” he ordered. Kili sighed deeply.

“Okay…” he mumbled, shuffling back into the kitchen. After choosing a pre-made pizza from a pile in the corner and making a few adjustments, he went out the back door, unchained his bike and began the ride home. He arrived at a major intersection in a couple minutes, as cold and soggy as the pizza strapped onto the back. He watched the crosswalk timer count down and glanced in the other direction.

That was the direction Fili lived in… and he hadn’t seen Fili for a month. A month! Without a second though, Kili headed across the crosswalk when the light turned, towards Fili’s apartment.

It had all begun that day at the beach. That _Lindir_ had shown up, and started speaking to Fili in _Icelandic_. Fili absolutely lit up with excitement, jumped to his feet and began babbling wildly at him. He returned to Kili and told him that he was going to show Lindir around the beach market and that he’d call him later. The next time Kili interacted with his hetero lifemate was almost two days later, which was practically weeks in Fili-Kili together time. Kili hadn’t heard from him, so he headed over to his apartment after his shift to see if he was okay. Having spent nearly every day together for almost half a year, he was understandably concerned.

Kili only made it up the stoop stairs, he didn’t even get to push the buzzer because in the next instant, he slammed right into Fili who was on his way out.

“Kili!” He exclaimed, grinning. Then a look of confusion crossed his face. “Why you are here?” he asked.

Kili’s positive mood dropped slightly. “Well… to see you! I hadn’t heard from you and I was getting kind of worried. While I’m here I figured we could smoke and play some games y’know?”

Fili looked incredibly guilty then. “Oh… um well I am sorry but I promise today to be with Lindir!” he shrugged. “I text you tomorrow,” patting Kili on the shoulder, Fili walked around him and left. Saddened but understanding that friends have their own friends, Kili went home.

The next day, Fili didn’t answer the door buzzer or his phone at all. Or the day after that, and the day after that. The only correspondence they had by the two week mark was a few stilted texts back and forth about Fili spending time with Lindir, Elladan and Elrohir. After that Kili decided that he should just wait for Fili to reach out to him instead.

 

That clearly hadn’t worked as a strategy, so now Kili was on his way to win him back. He was glad when he finally arrived, he was shivering so badly. He dismounted his noble steed and buzzed Fili’s nameplate several times desperately.

_“Yes? Who is it?”_

“I-it’s me, c-can I come up?” Kili’s teeth chattered.

 _“Kili!”_ he could hear the smile in Fili’s voice, and hope swelled in Kili’s chest as the door buzzed open. He hefted his bike inside and up the stairs to the fourth floor. Fili, in nothing but a pair of boxers, greeted him at the door with a big hug. He stepped back quickly when he realized how wet Kili was.

“Kili, you ride here in the rain?” he asked with a frown.

Kili shrugged. “Yeah… w-well, didn’t have m-much of a choice, did I?” he pondered.

Fili yanked his buddy inside along with his bike, and didn’t allow him another thought before he began ripping off his clothes for him. Kili didn’t protest, just allowed his limbs to be pulled up and dropped down as his clothing was stripped away until he was in only his wet boyshorts. Fili grabbed his arm and dragged him down the hall to the bedroom where he pulled them down onto his bed with a _fwhoomph_. The two of them were [tangled together](http://41.media.tumblr.com/9eab9bcefcfd6d6ebd315ec742476a55/tumblr_nidenkFl381tqe4tto1_500.jpg) in their underwear, enjoying each others presence. Pulling the comforter over them, Fili did his best to bundle Kili up to try and keep him warm.

“Fili what the hell are you doing?”

“Making you… not get sick! I see on TV you get sick if wet in rain,”

“Oh, thanks bud.” Kili snuggled up closer to the blond, and Fili lay his head on Kili’s chest, which Kili welcomed readily. He lay there prostrate, staring around the room as Fili hummed a nonsensical tune as Kili listened to the beat of his heart. After a few minutes of this, Fili slowed to stop.

“Kili, why you are sad?” he asked quietly. The brunet lifted his head to look at him.

“I'm not sad... I'm just tired I guess. ... And... ... I missed you, jerk,” he grumbled quietly, laying his head back down. It wasn't a lie, Kili hadn't been sleeping well, and work, however slow it was, wore him out. Laying down in a plush bed, he struggled to stay awake.

“I’ve been trying to chill with you for ages but you prefer to be with _Lindir_ ,”

He heard Fili gasp quietly.

“No, Kili…! I not replace you with Lindir! I just… it is good for me to find Lindir from home,” he struggled with trying to translate his thoughts for a second, "You really great but is hard some days, I am here alone! Lindir knows me, knows home... I miss it some days, it is happy for me to know him,"

Cold and grumpy, Kili rolled his eyes.

“Tch, yeah, happy for you indeed,” he muttered. “You like him better,”

Fili whined. “Kiliii… no look I show you, I prove it to you, you are my best friend,” he reached for his phone on the nightstand, struggling for several seconds as he could barely reach it with his fingertips. Finally he grabbed it and unlocked the screen, going into the contacts list. He held it over to Kili, who examined it.

Fili grinned and nudged him with his shoulder.

“See? See? You are one _and_ two. Lindir is three!” he laughed into Kili’s ear, making the other man smile shyly and nudge him away.

Kili couldn't hold back an amused grin.

“Okay, okay, I believe you. Thanks, dude, that made me feel better,”

“I am happy too! I am number one in your phone?” Fili asked hopefully. Kili chuckled and shook his head.

“Sorry bro, you’re number two. My mom is number one,” he yawned.

“Your mom? I did not know her. I did not know you have mom!”

“Uh, yeah, of course I have a mom, dork. I love her very much, she’s the most important person in the world to me.”

Fili hummed in acknowledgement, picking quietly at the hemp bracelet hanging around his wrist. Kili tapped his chest with a finger.

“What about your mom?”

“Hm? Oh, no, no mom,” Fili grimaced. Kili sat up completely, suddenly feeling much less tired.

“What? Oh, I’m sorry, dude…” he placed a hand on Fili’s shoulder, not really sure what to say or do. Fili shook his head and shrugged.

“No is okay, she was died when I was still guppy, I not know her. Pirate attack, I think. Is what Uncle said.” he didn't seem too fazed by it, making Kili feel even more unsure. He had questions he wanted to ask his friend, but Fili beat him to it.

"Can I meet your mom?" he asked suddenly, throwing Kili for a loop. “I see on the TV mom is really nice. This is true? I want to know this for real,”

"Uh, sure, I don't see why not. Yeah, actually, I think she'd like you. Next time I plan to visit her I'll take you with, how about that?"

Fili grinned and nodded. "Yes, please!"

Both content, Kili flopped back down onto the bed, snuggling into the pillow his head found. It smelled just like Fili, he realized; sunshine, the tropical citrus deodorant he wore, sunblock and weed.

"Okay, great talk. I'm passing out now," he mumbled, losing the fight to open his eyes one last time. He reached out and patted up Fili's arm until he found the shoulder. He smacked it a couple of times, then let it curl back up to his chest.

"Okay," Fili whispered. He brushed a thick clump of hair out of Kili's face and pulled the comforter back up to his shoulders. He carefully slid out of the bed and scooted back to the living room. He settled onto the worn down sofa after grabbing some old Chinese food, a 2-liter of soda, and powering up the television.

He spent the next fifteen minutes channel surfing until he finally found an interesting program on MMA knight fighting. He was immediately immersed in it, not even really noticing as the sun began to sink lower and lower on the horizon. He began feeling mildly uncomfortable after some time, but smoked a bowl to help take the edge off.

Finally, hours later, the intense program ended. Fili was completely lax against the sofa, his arms thrown over the top, his head flopped back. As a commercial Fili had seen one too many times flashed on the screen, he began to notice how dark his surroundings had really gotten. His head rolled to the left so he could lazily look out his patio door. The full moon was up, and as realization dawned on the blond man, his heart rate shot up and his insides froze. He whined, and scrunched his eyes shut.

"Oh, no..."

 

 

**  
  
**

_Kili's chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath, and his eyebrows bunched together as he writhed around in pleasure. He felt weightless, like he was floating in space, an invisible force keeping him from falling. A grunt escaped his lips as a surge of ecstasy shot through him, and he continued to gasp involuntarily every few seconds. He sighed in contentment. His delirium abated slightly, and Kili began to become aware of his surroundings. He was underwater... in the ocean._

_The thought of his ability to breath never crossed his mind, nor did he wonder about the man whose face was between Kili's legs. He was enveloped by an all-too familiar smell, but somehow he couldn't place it. He didn’t dwell on it, just floated around and let the euphoria numb his mind._

_A particularly hard suck from the man below had Kili shouting out, a hand sluggishly swinging through the water to grab the blond scalp. His other hand, a fist, went to his mouth instinctively to muffle his shouts._

_"P-please--" he begged, "Ngh," the tight coil of heat in his lower stomach was becoming too much, and Kili knew that he wouldn't last much longer._

_The blond stranger responded by swallowing Kili's cock entirely, making Kili whimper when the tip hit the back of the man's throat. Like Kili, the blond's long hair floated around his face like a halo. It made him appear almost ethereal, an impossible entity in a fantasy world._

_This beautiful creature before him was unattainable, Kili knew, but those eyes that looked up at him just then... they spoke volumes. This man belonged to him, and him alone. Those eyes... bright and shining, twinkling with mischief. With Kili's dick still deep within his throat, the man swallowed, and Kili screamed, his eyes clenched shut._

_"Oh fuck, f-fuck, please, I-I--"_

His eyes shot open, and for a moment Kili honestly expected to be met with those brilliant blue eyes. Instead all he got was pitch darkness and a wretchedly hard cock. As his vision adjusted to the dark, he began to feel a presence nearby.

"Fil, that you?" he asked groggily, blinking his eyes and trying to see the large shadow before him. All he could make out was the shine of darkened eyes, and an odd, quiet wheezing.

"Fili, are you okay? Hold on..." he sat up and turned around to turn on the lamp on the small table next to the bed. He turned back around and froze. In an instant, Kili had shot from the bed to the corner of the room in fear.

That... _thing_ , was _not_ Fili. It looked like it was supposed to be him, but it... the monster, in on fluid motion, stood from the bed as well, but made no other movement. It's eyes never left Kili. Not that Kili could tell. The creature's eyes were completely black, an extremely faint blue glow coming from them. His skin was a stark contrast to them; an extremely pale blue. It looked like a drowned corpse. The ears... they were fins! It’s forearms were the same, and it’s fingers were webbed.

"Wh... what the fuck! What the fuck are you?! Fili, this is an awful fucking joke--" Kili stuttered out, his eyes shooting to the beast's mouth. It was filled with razor sharp teeth and remained open just slightly. Every breath it took wheezed, and what was once a luxuriously golden mane of hair was now pale, dry and brittle. Kili could hear it breathing plus the muffled sound of the television out in the living room, but a ringing in his ears from fear overpowered them both. For ages the two stood staring at each other, Kili shaking like a leaf.

Kili glanced to the doorway several feet away from him. When he checked back to the not-Fili, it had moved, and still was, floating towards Kili certainly with sinister intentions. It was then that Kili's subtle inching towards the open bedroom door became an impressive sprint. He slammed the door loudly behind him, turned around and slid down the hall backwards. There was no way in hell he was turning his back to that thing.

Unfortunately, his own pair of shoes left in just the right spot on the floor tripped him, and he fell to the floor. He scrambled to his feet as quickly as possible, but when he looked towards the bedroom door, Not-Fili was already on the other side of it. He had opened and shut the door completely soundlessly, making it appear as if he had teleported. Kili's heart rate accelerated and he kept backing up as the monster slowly glided after him.

Frantically glancing around, Kili grabbed the remote control to the television and chucked it. It missed, hitting the wall with a loud clatter. Not-Fili was undeterred. The next item Kili grabbed was Fili's thick glass pipe. It was a gift from Kili himself, a housewarming gift. It hit the creature square in the forehead with a loud knock, before dropping to the ground and bouncing away somewhere. Still the creature continued.

Scared shitless, Kili's back hit the front door. He wanted nothing more than to just bolt through it, but it was closed and locked, and the monster was too close for comfort. Out of the corner of his eye Kili spotted Fili's magic conch shell. He scrambled to grab it, took quick aim, and threw it with all his might.

It brutally whacked Not-Fili in the face, cutting open his forehead and the bridge of his nose. Dark green blood began leaking out of the wounds. Not-Fili took a step back and let out a ghastly grunt. Regaining itself, it took in a deep breath and let out an otherworldly hiss.

Kili took this time to tug at the locks on the door, throw it open, fling himself out and slam it behind him. He leaned all his weight against it, and almost immediately the wooden barrier began shaking as the creature behind it tried to open it.

Another odd noise joined it, an eerie and strangled tune. It was weak and warbled as if underwater, but a tiny part of Kili was lured to it. Without realizing it, his hand slowly started reaching towards the door handle, ready to open the door back up. He panicked and pulled his hand to his chest, not knowing what to do. He was afraid that if he just left like this, the thing would follow him. He frantically looked around for some way to bar the door from the outside, but there was nothing.

Then he remembered his bike. The chain! He could use it to tie the door handle and the odd wall protrusion right next to it together. But it was in the apartment, right in the living room. Kili lay his head against the door. _Fuck, fuck, fuck..._ he thought. He had no other choice, he'd have to go in and get it. Taking several deep breaths, Kili began to count down. _3... 2... 1..._

He swung open the door and dealt a strong high kick right to the monster's chest, sending it stumbling back several feet. It tripped and slammed to the ground. Kili wasted no time in running over to his bike and yanking at the chain. Finally it snapped and Kili yanked it free, stood, and turned around just in time to be met by the monster only a few feet away.

Hysterically, he began whipping the chain wildly at it, causing it to back away and block its face with its arms. Kili shoved it away further with a solid blow with his shoulder to its chest, and he ran back out the door. He threw himself at it to slam it shut, and tied the chain around the door and odd metal loop in a frenzy.

Trembling fiercely, Kili backed up into the far wall behind him, holding his heart. The door began shaking in an effort to be opened again, but then it was replaced by pounding and scratching. The celestial singing began anew, and again Kili felt a strange pull. Instead, on shaky limbs, he rushed down the hall and stairs and out the front door.

 

* * *

 

[look at this atrocity I made](http://lindir-official.tumblr.com/post/123160963811/official-cover-for-a-fish-tale-an-exciting-romcom).

Spread the word, promo surf and turf!

[Oh, PS](https://youtu.be/IV3yvOkooYA?t=261). 


	5. Chapter 5

Kili let himself in with the key that Fili had given him some time ago. When he reached Fili’s door, he was mildly surprised to find that the bike chain that he had left there tied around the door handle was gone. His hand hovered over the door handle, shaking slightly from nerves. Counting to three, Kili let himself in Fili’s door with ease, shutting it behind him quickly so he wouldn’t be tempted to run.

Fili was sitting in his tiny kitchen at the hilariously large dining table that had somehow been squeezed in there. His legs were pulled up onto the seat with his butt, and he had a little kit of things set up on the already messy surface. It was covered in piles of old mail and coupon books that remain relatively untouched, an old, greasy pizza box and some dirty, disposable tableware.

As Kili came in, Fili stopped what he was doing, placing what he was holding onto some coupons and hiding his hands in his lap slowly. His shoulders raised as he curled in on himself, then he became like a statue, trying to be invisible. Though his eyes stared blankly at the table, he was hyper aware of any slight movement Kili made, watching him with his peripheral vision. He looked exhausted. He had dark circles beneath his eyes, and there were scratches on his arms and neck from where Kili’s bike chain got him. His elbows were bruised, presumably from when he fell and large scabs on his nose and forehead thanks to the magic conch shell.

Kili cleared his throat and swallowed awkwardly after a long, tense moment of silence.

“Hey, I uh… thought I should come over and maybe get my bike. … And let you out… y’know,” he said tentatively. “But I see that someone’s already undone the door for you...?”

It took a moment for Fili to respond, his eyes shooting to the left so he could avoid seeing Kili all together.

“Lindir get me out,” he mumbled, “on Tuesday,”

Kili immediately sneered. “Lindir? Of course,”

“I call him Tuesday!” Fili glanced at him, his voice getting louder. “I wait three days for you! You not come, I have to call Lindir!”

It was Kili’s turn to look away though in shame. In the past week Fili had flooded his phone with a plethora of calls and texts, all saying the same thing:

_“I m sory plez c me,” “Kili plez i m sory,” “I m lokt in i can t get owt kili plez i m sory,” “I m not lik that eny mor is only wun day,” “Kili i hev no food no fing but weed do yu c my problim kili plez i m sory,” “Kili plez cum,”_

Kili ignored the messages to the best of his ability, flinching every time it buzzed and beeped. He knew though that he had to check, because there was always the possibility of someone other than Fili messaging him. Every time he dared to, his heart rate sped up and his breath thinned slightly, his face scrunching up as he cringed at the sight of Fili’s name. He only ever glanced at what the upper alert previewed before promptly shutting the screen off and returning to his tasks at hand.

It was his mother a week after the incident that eventually persuaded him to go free his wild fish from the net.

 _“You’ve been a miserable little shit all week,”_ she had sighed, going over to pinch his cheeks, _“Go see him and let him explain. You need each other,”_

He left for Fili’s the very next day.

  
“Yeah… that’s um… are you painting your nails?” Kili’s face twisted in slight confusion. Fili’s gaze flashed to the table, where there was indeed an open bottle of turquoise nail polish resting. “That’s for girls, you know,” he mentioned. Fili shrugged, but as he replied he became bolder, looking straight at Kili. He raised his chin.

“Yes, for cuties. I’m a cutie, girl at store said so. I’m cute,” he boasted. He raised one hand next to his face, wiggling his fingers. Only half of them were painted, and each of the skin on those fingers were just as colorful as the nails themselves. Fili was awful at this.

Kili laughed through his nose and smiled as he ducked his head. He walked over to the table and sat down in the seat across from Fili.

“You’re making a mess of this, let me help. My mom always had me do her nails when I was little, I’m a pro at this,” he grabbed a nearby paper towel and wet a portion of it that didn’t have old pizza residue on it with his mouth, using it to rub away the paint on Fili’s skin. As he brought the paint over to his side and shook it up, he stared straight into Fili’s eyes.

“You have until I finish painting your nails to explain yourself… and whatever the fuck kind of stunt that was that you pulled last weekend,” his tone was flat. Fili nodded vigorously.

“Yes, finally. Is not a… a stunt, though. I happen one day every moons,” he told. “It is not… fake movie face, it is really me. Real me mouth and me eyes and… all me,”

Kili finished gracefully painting Fili’s ring finger before resting his hand on the table and staring deadpan and unamused at the blond.

“So what you’re saying is every full moon you turn into the creature of the black lagoon.” Fili looked briefly confused, but nodded when he figured just another pop culture thing that he didn’t quite understand yet. “Right, fine, I’ll play along. How? How the hell does this shit happen?”

Fili shrugged, his face scrunching up.

“Is a siren thing. We all do this every moon. Lots of other fish are like this too. No biggie, we more killer for then is it.”

Kili was looking less convinced and less interested by the second. He dropped Fili’s hand callously and stood from his chair, one finger left unpainted. He strode over to the other side of the room, where his bicycle lay propped up against the wall with its chain lying on the bike seat.

“I was giving you a chance, Fili, but if you’re going to bullshit me like this I’m not even going to let you waste another minute of my time,”

Fili leaped up from the table and rushed over to Kili, who was now crouched down next to the bike as he tried to reattach the chain.

“No no nononono! Kili this not any shit I mean it! You know I am mermaid, I tell you all the time!” he pleaded, tugging frantically at Kili’s shirt. “You know this,” he repeated.

Kili turned to look at Fili, his face a convoluted mess of negative emotions.

“You haven’t said shit about this ridiculous story before. Fuck outta here with this rubbish!” he snapped, shaking Fili off.

It was Fili’s turn to get angry. “OI! You so stupid! I tell you all the time!! I tell you at the mall--”

 

_Fili gracefully bent his body into the same shape as the mermaid fountain that lay in the middle of the shopping center. His right leg swooped up behind him while both his arms did the same, up over his head. He began singing a brief and jaunty tune._

**_“Oh we in the sea are as merry as can be_ **   
**_when you come on your ships for fishing_ **

**_but you’d better escape on the horizon_ **   
**_for I am the lovely sea siren,”_ **

 

“-- at the beach--”

 

_"You knew you were going to win, damn you," Kili panted, smiling and shaking his head. Fili laughed at him, nodding._

_"You're like a damn fish, you are," Kili told him playfully._

_"Well yes. I am beautiful mermaid," Fili whistled an odd tune and flipped his hair over his shoulder. Kili grabbed one of Fili’s toes and wiggled it until Fili tugged his foot away._

_“Dang, your feet are perfect. I don’t think I’ve ever seen more perfect toes in my life, dude,” he observed._

 

“-- twice!!”

 

_Kili guffawed loudly when his eyes landed on the gift Fili brought him. He slapped a hand over his eyes and the tips of his ears turned pink._

_“What the hell are these for?” he asked, tossing the box of child’s arm floaties over to the side into the sand._   
_“You bad at swimming, you not ever close to winning me in water games! You soooo bad!” Fili laughed, rubbing Kili’s back reassuringly. “You wear these you maybe get better,”_

_“Oh, yeah and you’re so much better,” Kili remarked sarcastically, rolling his eyes. A loud laugh bubbled out of Fili as he clambered to his feet in the same, awkward way he always did._

_“Yes! I am mermaid, we swim, that is point of mermaid,” he grinned._

_Kili joined Fili on his feet and smacked his butt, making Fili yip._

_“Yeah, yeah, fish, whatever you say. Just get your rock hard ass into the water so I can show you what a real man is made of,”_

_“Rocks?? You say my ass is soft like pillow. Like bunny!” Fili frowned, reaching back and squeezing his bottom. “Yes, see? Feel, is not hard at all,”_

_Kili took two small steps over to his companion and grabbed a handful of ass. Both of them with a hand on Fili’s butt, they squeezed and squished and patted for a moment before coming to a conclusion._

_“Yeah, you’re right, that is soft. You’ve got yourself a gen-yu-wine bunny booty. But that’s only because you’re not really flexing or anything. My butt’s soft too, but if I were to stretch… like this,” Kili lunged forward and looked back at his butt, the muscles firm from the wide-legged position. “See, feel, buns o’ steel right here,”_

_Fili reached over and pinched. “Whoa,” he gasped, moving on to patting the globes of flesh. He then mimicked Kili’s position, putting one hand on his own butt and the other remaining on Kili’s He rubbed and patted both, comparing them._

_“Yup, I’m much better.”_

 

“-- here even!!”

 

_The pair sat comfortably on the ground in Fili’s apartment that night, set up with pizza, booze, weed and video games. The coffee table had been moved off to the side so they had a much easier time playing their games as they leaned back against the couch. They sat shoulder to shoulder cooperating fully with each other in their multiplayer game, not needing to say a single word to each other. The glow of the large screen lit up their faces, and they each had headsets on, leaving the only noise in the whole apartment to be the clacking of their controllers._

_Finally after several long minutes they finished their level and they decided to take a break for a few minutes to eat more, smoke more and pee. When Kili reappeared from the bathroom, Fili was on his feet, arms in the air as he stretched. Kili pointed at his stomach and laughed._

_“Ha ha, you’re getting chubby,” he snickered. Fili, arms still above him, looked down at his middle and frowned. Sure enough, his once toned and firm stomach had given way for the beginnings of a small gut. Fili’s arms dropped to the extra skin and he pinched it, suddenly insecure._

_“No…” he moaned, looking up at Kili, concerned._

_“Why are you looking at me? It’s not my fault all you do is lay around eating pizza and smoking weed,”_

_Fili huffed. “I eat other things! I eat lot of fish, you know this. I eat lot of other things, we go out and eated meat buns yesterday! And potato sticks?”_

_Kili laughed again. “A hamburger and fries, you mean. Yeah, that stuff’s shit for you. I don’t know what you ate over in Iceland or what you did to stay in shape there, but you can’t just lay around and eat shit food all the time. You’ll get fat,” he explained gently._

_“I am mermaid, all I eated is fish and seaweed!” Fili whined._

_“Tch, yeah, well, welcome to the land of plenty, my friend,”_

 

“-- I tell you this all the time but you never listen, just ignore it off. I am not supposed to say this at all ever! I tell you because I like you a lot, I can get in a lots of troubles for saying this to you! I trust in you so I tell you this. And I knows that one day you see me on the moon night and I not want you to be scared as much to know I am siren, it is normal for us,” Fili panted, his face red. “You do not believe in me and that hurts my heart! Why do you not believe me?” he asked, his voice a pitch higher.

Kili pursed his lips and turned away. Voice low, he asked his own question in return. “How am I supposed to believe in something that’s been proven to be fake? A myth? Next you’re going to tell me that vampires and… and werewolves and witches are real too,”

Fili didn’t answer right away. Instead he glared at the ground, and Kili returned to working on his bike. After shifting around uncomfortable, Fili turned and ambled away, down the hall. A minute later Fili returned, but he didn’t stop. He kept right on going straight out the front door, slamming it behind him. That got Kili’s attention. He got up and followed Fili out the door.

“Where the fuck are you going!” he snapped, right before Fili disappeared down the stairs. Fili turned, glaring at the ground.

“I show you.” he said quietly. This irritated Kili further.

“What?” he asked.

“I said I will show you. I show to you I not a lie!” Fili shouted. He turned and ran down the stairs loudly.

Kili just stared after him, expressionless, but his chest burning with fury. He returned into the apartment and finished fixing his bike up. Without a second thought, he locked the door behind him and rode home.

Kili heard nothing from Fili for three days and two nights. He spent most of that time at work and with his best bro (before He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named) Brad. Brad was this typical party boy jock bro who enjoyed playing beer pong, volleyball down at the beach and partying on the part boat at night. While admittedly that lifestyle was a bit extreme for Kili sometimes, he and Brad had grown up with each other. Brad had even lived with Kili and his mother when they were just children, right after his father Girion had died in a freak harpooning accident until his grandmother adopted him.

He went by Bard, Bard the Broman.

During the first day he and Bard sat and played Xbox, got high and ate cheetos. By the time the sun had set, Legolas and Gimli had joined them. The four of them played beer pong and video games until they had all passed out by the time the sun rose. None of them woke up until the late afternoon. Bard informed them then that there was to be a fiesta on the party boat that night, starting in less than three hours. It and the fifteen other people invited lasted until the dawn of the next day. The morning of day three, the massively hungover Kili was woken by his phone ringing shrilly in his pocket. He blindly pulled it out and checked the time, but not who was calling. It was late morning.

“‘Lo?” he croaked.

_“I am ready now.”_

“Wha’? Who is this?” Kili slurred, slowly sitting up. He clenched his eyes shut, trying to block out the bright sun that shined on him from where he lay on the deck of the boat. Several people were strewn about, still deep in their liquor comas.

 _“It is Fili!!”_ the tinny voice shouted. Kili pulled the phone away from his ear for a second.

“What th’ fuckkkkk. What do you want? Ready for what?”

_“I proof to you I am beautiful mermaid!”_

Kili groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You’re still going on about this? Fuck off, mate and leave me alone,” Kili went to hang up, but the desperation in Fili’s next sentence made him pause.

_“Kili, please I need you. I am so tired, and I not have food three days now,”_

Kili listened, but he didn’t reply.

_“Kili? Please…”_

“Where are you?”

_“A-at beach. Is secret cave behind the big big black rock. I send pikcha,”_

Kili listened and nodded.

“Yeah, okay,” he whispered. He ended the call. A few seconds later he received a text from Fili with a picture of the entrance to the cavern. It was a really vague photo, but Kili had lived by this beach his whole life, he was sure he’d be able to find it.

He forced Bard awake and made him set course to the pier then scavenged around for any edible bits of food for Fili. All he managed to scrape up was cocktail cheese cubes and a loaf of bread.

Luckily, they were at the very shore Kili was sure Fili was at. There was indeed a gargantuan black boulder before the curve of the island, and it would only take a minute to get there.

Kili hopped off the boat and waded knee-deep in the ocean water to the sand and hurried over to it, his arms full of bread and cheese cubes.

“Fili?” he called out. “Are you there?”

 _“Yes! Kili, I am here!”_ Fili’s muffled voice shouted out. Kili ran all around the boulder until he found a small crawlspace at the bottom. It was hidden well by a cliff face. He looked down at his booty and grimaced. Head pounding, he managed to come up with a bright idea.

Kili peeled off his shirt and made a sack of it, sticking his goodies in it and tying it up. He stuffed a portion in his mouth, got down on his hands and knees and began inching his way through the small hole. After several feet it opened up into a great cavern.

There were holes in the top of the rock, lighting the area up quite well. There was even a palm tree growing there, up and through one of the skylights. Most of the area was sand, but in the center was a sizeable but shallow pool. And right there lying half out of it was Fili. He stared at Kili pleadingly.

Kili hurried to his feet and took his makeshift sack out of his mouth, running over to the blond.

“Fili, are you okay? Why are you here?? What were you thinking?! What’s going on!?” he asked frantically.

“Kili…”  the other man whined. Kili slowed to a stop just before he reached him. There was something off about Fili, but he wasn’t sure yet. He closed the short distance and collapsed to his knees next to him.

“Kili I proof it to you. I show to you I am beautiful mermaid, look see,” Fili mumbled, struggling up onto his hands. Kili stopped him.

“Stop, you’re weak and delirious. I brought you uh… something to eat,” he undid the knot in his shirt to reveal the cheese and bread. He handed a slice to Fili, who stuck it in his mouth immediately. After eating everything up, Fili showed Kili his hands.

“Look see. Webs. And my arms: fins. And my ears! My back!” he turned his head and showed him the tips of his pointy finned ears, then his back with another long webbed fin. Kili just froze and watched, aghast.

“Fili, what--”

Fili began dragging himself out of the water and onto the sand. It obviously caused him great discomfort, but Kili just sat and watched with wide eyes when instead of the two legs he was accustomed to, a large and shimmering turquoise fin appeared out of the water. The tailfin was translucent and sparkly, flicking slowly in the water. It matched all the other fins on his body. It dawned on Kili that the tail was identical to those intricate tattoos on Fili’s legs.

“You believe in me now?” Fili asked softly. He started trying to brush the sand off his tail.

“I… um…” Kili couldn’t take his eyes off Fili’s tail. “Can I touch it?” he asked, looking into Fili’s eyes. Fili nodded, face relaxing. Kili scooted over ever closer and slowly reached out. The instant his hand touched Fili’s tail it jerked back, but it returned an instant later. It was cold and smooth, and Kili could feel the muscles flex as Fili’s tailfin slowly moved. It was so surreal.

Suddenly Kili jumped up to his feet. He continued staring at Fili’s tail, then turned and fled, crawling straight back out of the cove.

“Kili!”

There was some splashing as Fili frantically moved to get completely out of the lagoon, but Kili ignored it all as he rushed back to the beach. Swallowing, he slowly sank down onto the sand, legs shaky. He placed his head in his hands and had a good long think for a quarter of an hour. He could hear Fili calling out for him desperately. Finally Kili stood back up and slowly went back to Fili.

“You came back…” Fili said weakly from where was was resubmerged in the water. Kili ignored him to  stare at the random spattering of scales all over his body, thinking back onto the now hidden tail.

Kili ran a hand through his hair.

“... Yeah, I came back. I’ll always come back. I just needed time to take it all in, I guess. I’m sorry, Fil. For not believing you. I believe you now,”

“Thank you. Don’t tell people please. It is big secret,” Fili smiled weakly. Kili snorted.

“Yeah, duh, no problem. You thought I reacted poorly? I’m sure others would be even worse.” he threw an arm around Fili’s shoulder, pulling him into a hug. Fili returned it, squeezing Kili tightly.

“How long does it take for you to change back?” Kili asked.

“More days. Maybe two, maybe three,” Fili shrugged. Kili nodded, then stood up.

“Kili?? Where are you go to?” Fili asked worriedly.

“I’m going to go get some supplies. If we’re going to be staying inside this giant rock for three days, we’re going to need some food and shit. I’ll be back, I promise,” Kili stroked Fili’s hair. A bright smile lit up Fili’s face.

“Okay, I bleave you.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

It turns out you can only go so far on a bike with flat tire. Almost immediately out the door, Kili, with Fili in his usual spot in between the handlebars, rode over a stray screw hanging out on the sidewalk.

  
“Shit. Well, eh, we’ll be alright. We can get to my place first to get my spare tire, just a quick setback,” Kili said assuredly.

That showed to be a truly awful idea, and the tire began shredding after another fifteen minutes of riding on it. They ended up falling off in the middle of the crosswalk, causing them to almost be run over. Kili got them both up in a jiff though and yanked Fili to the other side.

“Okay… well I guess we’re walking the rest of the way. Should only take twenty minutes,” he shrugged. Fili groaned.

“ _What?_ I do not like walking!” he huffed, shooting a glare towards Kili. In turn, Kili belted out a laugh.

“Yeah, well, suck it up because we have no other choice, and you’re the one that wants to meet my mom like crazy. Why is that, by the way??”

“Oh… is like… _rite of passage at home_ …” was the mystic reply.

“... Right. Well, get your ass in gear then ‘cause we’re in for lots up upward hills!”

Fili grumbled about it for the first five minutes of their trek, but ambled on next to Kili nonetheless. Kili watched him out of the corner of his eye as they traveled along. Fili had always had an odd gait, mildly wobbly and exaggerated.

“Why do you walk like that? Is that how you all walk in Iceland?” he asked. Fili looked up at him, slightly shocked.

“I barely learn to walk! I am swimming my whole life, and now I am walking first time ever! It is hard… two legs is so hard!” he seethed, glaring down at his shiny, hairless and scaly limbs. He raised his head back to Kili. “And um… I am not from Iceland. I am from Erebor,” he corrected. Kili tilted his head in confusion, then held his arm out to stop Fili from continuing through the next crosswalk while the red hand was still lit.

“Ehr...ebor? But you’re always saying you’re from-- oh. Fish. Right. Uh… Is that right there off the beach?”

Fili smiled and nodded. “Yeah! Well, a bit… not close,”

“Far away?”

“Yes. Take me... “ Fili stopped in his tracks, face scrunching up and gaze flying high in the sky as he thought. Kili scoffed at him and pushed him along, begging pardon from the person who nearly walked into them.

“Don’t stop right in the middle of the sidewalk, dork,” he jeered. Fili apologized and kept going.

“It taken me a day and half to get here from home-- Erebor,” he backtracked. “Home is here now, not Erebor,” he derided himself quietly.

Now more curious about Fili than ever, Kili asked, “Why? Why did you come to live here? I thought you were just a tourist when I met you, but you stayed. What happened at Erebor?”

Fili’s face became thunderous, and he looked away for a moment, his mouth a thin line. It lasted only seconds, and Fili’s frowned righted itself in a flash.

“Nothing, is nothing. I am just curious. I see you humans all my life and your legs and your fun things. I want to have fun too! So I come here.” he shrugged. Not giving Kili a chance to ask any more similar questions, Fili changed the subject at a lightning speed. “Kili, you say this when you are still mad at me; what is this v...vvvampire? Vvvvare volf?”

Kili perked up, but certainly noticed the shift. “Oh, well! I’ll tell ya, I know quite a bit about these things, y’see mate.”

The rest of their trip consisted of Kili going on and on and on about his knowledge of mythical beings, even enduring Fili’s taunts and jabs about his so-called expertise on mermaids. By the time they finally arrived at Kili’s mother’s home at the beach on the other side of the island, Kili was carrying Fili piggyback because the poor fish was tired and worn out from the walk, his chin digging into Kili’s shoulder.

As the two-legger paraded through the sandy pathway to the front door, several seagulls appeared from nowhere, circling like vultures and screeching like banshees. Fili watched them like a hawk, immediately suspicious. He dug his heels into Kili’s side, hoping to speed him up into the house.

“Go, go, go, I not trust those fuckers,” he hissed. Kili squealed as the bony heels burrowed into his waist. It was one of his biggest ticklish spots, and his instantaneous reaction was for his legs to give out and them both crumple to the ground into a heap.

“Kili that is not what I say at all,” Fili grunted from beneath Kili, writhing and clawing at the ground in an attempt to get free. The three seagulls swooped by them, a rain of poop showering down onto them.

“That is a hell of a lot of shit coming from three birds, damn!” Kili grumbled, crawling up onto his knees. Fili mimicked him and glared up at the sky, then yanked Kili onto his feet with him before sprinting straight into the house.

At the commotion in the front of her home, Dis peaked out from the hallway, a dusty vase and rag in her hands.

“Oh!” she blurted, eyes widening at the sight before her. “Hello boys. Why are you covered in bird poop?"

Fili hissed while Kili told her about the birds. She laughed and tossed the rag at him, telling them to wipe off.

“In the meantime… _who_ ,” her eyes ran up and down Fili’s body, sticking to his abs the longest, “is this?”

Kili tossed Fili the dust and poop covered rag at Fili who was less than a foot away, it smacking the blond in the face as he failed to catch it. Kili shrugged and threw an arm around Fili’s shoulder, pulling the other man against him affectionately.

“This is Fili,” he explained simply. Dis grinned and closed the distance between them, hugging Fili tightly and for longer than Kili would have liked. Finally she stepped back.

“Ah, so this is the odd Fili Kili doesn't shut up about. Are you hungry? I made cake a bit ago. Fili, do you want cake? I’ll get you some cake. You two settle in!” she nudged them towards the living room, her one hand not so subtly brushing Fili’s butt. After catching Fili from tripping over the hallway rug, Kili led them to the other room and all but shoved the blond onto one couch. Fili flew into the couch, impacting into the brown leather with a solid _phwoomph_. He easily sat straight up as Kili plopped down next to him, grabbing the remote control from the close side table and powering on the large screen in front of them.

A second later as Kili browsed the channel guide, Dis glided back into the room and placed a plate of red velvet cake straight onto Fili’s lap. She patted Fili’s head and brushed a few strands of hair behind his ear. Kili looked up and behind to her.

“Where’s mine?” he asked, watching Fili out of the corner of his eye enviously. Fili swiftly maneuvered the fork from the right to his left hand and dug in. Dis sniffed.

“You know where the kitchen is,” she said. “Fili would you like something to drink? Kili, get Fili something to drink while you’re in there,”

Kili’s face scrunched up in displeasure, ignoring as his mother playfully dragged the dirty rag over his face as she walked back down the hallway. He looked over to his friend who was already halfway through his large slice. Sighing, he stretched out his arms and legs, pushing out his torso and groaning as his spine cracked. When he looked over to Fili again, the blond had picked up flipping through channels, lost in the bright screen. His mouth was parted and if Kili were to look he’d be able to see red mush within.

Instead Kili’s eyes had snapped down to Fili’s plate, then awkwardly reached over and grabbed the fork. Fili ignored him, now entranced in the documentary program about the deep blue sea. Upon realizing this, Kili helped himself to the cake. Before he could finish it off, Fili seemed to notice but was indifferent about it and he just gently pulled the fork out of Kili’s hand and finished off the small amount of cake left, dragging the fork from his mouth idly as he laved the frosting and crumbs off it. Kili grabbed the plate from him and strode to the kitchen to put it away in the sink. When he returned, Fili was smiling and laughing at the television, which was now featuring whales slowly swimming past the camera. The narrator wasn’t even speaking at that moment, leaving Kili in a mild state of confusion.

“What’s so funny?” he asked, returning to his spot pressed up against Fili. The blond startled out of his reverie and looked over at Kili before returning to the screen.

“Oh, sorry. Is the whales. They talkin’ crap and making fun of, um… the people who making this,” he explained. “They is making jokes,”

Kili’s eyes squinted at him before turning to the television. The whales were indeed

speaking quite loudly, but it was definitely whale language. His eyes slid back to Fili, then again to the screen.

“... What?”

Fili became uncertain.

“The um… the whales…? They is saying things and it is funny to me,” he tried to explain. Kili stared at him for another brief moment before shaking his head and letting the subject drop.

“Alright,” he shrugged, closing the small distance between them and throwing his arm around Fili’s shoulder. Fili’s head dropped softly onto Kili’s shoulder and he slightly readjusted himself until he was comfy. “Tell me what the fish are saying, Fee,” he nudged Fili slightly. They sat relaxed in a comfortable silence, watching the marathon of ocean programs for another hour and a half, Fili translating for Kili for the first hour.

Right in the middle of a shark swimming wildly after its prey Dis walked back out from the hallway with wet hair and wearing nothing but a towel.

“Oh Fili’s asleep,” she pointed out, a hint of sadness laced in her tone.

Glancing at the blond for quick affirmation, Kili grimaced at his mother.

“Ugh, yeah blessedly. Lucky he doesn’t have to see you right now, gross,”

Dis laughed at him and walked back into her room, telling Kili as she went, “I’m going out to get ice cream! What kind does your boyfriend like?”

“What? Why?”

“Because I want ice cream!” she shouted back. “What does Fili want?”

“I don’t know I don’t think he’s had ice cream before. Better go with vanilla.”

Dis walked back out, fully clothed and ready to take on the world.

“Never had ice cream before? I’m getting him the most then. He better have a whole load of sticky white substance all over his face by the time he finishes. I’ll be back,” she winked then turned and swooped out the front door just in time to miss Kili’s much-delayed objection to her referring to Fili as his boyfriend.

Rolling his eyes, he tugged sharply on Fili’s nose and ear until he woke up.

“Ouch, stop it, what?” he grumbled. He sat up and tried to stretch, but instead Kili playfully elbowed him in the side, causing him to flip over the side of the couch to the floor. “Kili! You know how I feel with tinkling, I do not like it!”

Kili laughed as he stood and walked over to pull Fili to his feet. “It’s tickling. Tinkling is peeing, bro,”

“Oh yes sorry,”

“Have a nice nap?”

Fili grinned. “Yes, I have a dream about vvvaampires!!”

Kili smirked. “Yeah? What about ‘em?”

“I am one! I have sharp teeth and I bites the people!”

“You bites the people?”

“Yes, like this like you say!” Fili stepped over to Kili, grabbed his arm and then stuck his mouth on it. Kili jumped at the sudden contact but didn’t pull away until he felt Fili’s wet tongue and the sudden sucking sensation.

“Whoa man, that is _not_ how vampires do their thing,” he scolded, wiping his slobber covered forearm on his shirt. Fili’s eyebrows scrunched up.

“No? How they are do it then?”

“They bite the neck! You were doing some weird hickey mating ritual with my arm,” Kili grumbled as he investigate the puffy red spot right by his elbow.

“What is the hickey?”

“Nothing fancy, it’s like when a couple is making out but instead of on the mouth it’s wherever the hell they want besides the mouth. And it leaves a bruise. This thing you did here won’t even do that though…”

Fili looked slightly offended. “It won’t not bruise! Show me then how is right to make bruise.”

Without question Kili grabbed Fili and pulled him closer before latching his own mouth right onto Fili’s bicep. He bit and sucked for several long seconds, Fili making a myriad of unsure and confused expressions. Finally Kili pulled away.

“Ok in a few minutes it’ll bruise--”

“My turn!”  Fili launched forward and chose the same spot on Kili’s arm. He tried valiantly, but Kili ended up pushing him off, laughing too hard.

“You can’t really do it if there’s clothes in the way, dingus,” he explained, pulling off his shirt and throwing it onto the couch. Fili didn’t respond, just threw himself back at Kili with his mouth.

“Hmm… no, I don’t think that was right. It didn’t feel correct. Here let me…”

“Like this?”

“No, like this!”

“Like this??”  
  
“No, you’ve got to do this thing with your tongue…”

“Okay, like this.”

“Almost! Too much tongue this time. Here just do it one more time and I’m sure you’ll-- what are you doing?

YOOOO WHAT THE FUCK--”

“I am vampire and I bites the people!”

Fili had suddenly rocketed forward, clamping onto Kili’s neck. He held Kili’s head to the side via a fistful of silky brown hair and ravished him. His mouth, it turned out, had landed on the perfect spot on Kili’s neck. The second Kili began feeling the suckling just above that bundle of nerves, a jolt shot down to his groin. His cock twitched in extreme interest and an embarrassing whimpered moan crawled out of his mouth. With shaky arms his pushed Fili away.

“Ok I think that’s enough of that game,” he said quickly, rubbing the back of his neck and looking away, his face flushed. Fili looked disappointed.

“What? Why?” a sly grin stretched across his face. “Is because I am too good vampire, innit?”

“Yes, why did you stop? I want to know too!”

Kili’s eyes widened and he whipped around only to find his mother standing right in the entrance to the room from the front hallway. She was holding a cardboard cup holder with only two large ice cream cones.

“Mom!”

“They only gave me two ice creams so you two will have to share. I’ll just sit here and eat mine while you two do your… thing, there. Don’t mind me, you can keep on going,” she told them. She walked over and handed Fili the large cone of vanilla ice cream (who looked at it oddly, not sure what it was), then bustled over to a leather armchair and made herself comfy across from them. Kili’s face turned red and he scrambled to yank his shirt back on.

“It’s not what it looks like I swear Mom,”

“Oh well I hope it is what it looks like! Fili darling you don’t have to put your shirt back on, you’re fine without it,”

“Okay,”

_“Mom!”_

“Son what’s yours is mine. If you get to look at him naked then I should get to too,”

“Mother we’re not rubbing our genitals together--”

“Gentles?”

“-- He’s just a friend! My best friend!”

Fili was touched, and he showed his gratitude by shuffling over to Kili and embracing him in a bear hug. Dis’ eyebrows shot sky high as she took in Fili’s well toned back.

“He better be more than just a friend soon or else he’s going to become my really good friend instead,” she warned casually.

 _“Mother!”_ Kili hissed, his face several different shades of pink.

“He’s cute--”

“I am very cute!”

“too cute for you--”

“Mom I’m going to stick you in a nursing home,”

“and he’s a better son, clearly,”

Fili again looked pleasantly surprised. “You are my mother now?” he asked hopefully. Dis put her free hand up to her heart.

“Oh darling, of course I am. Some may even say I’m a… MILF,”

“What is that?”

“MOM.”

 

After several long minutes of debating back and forth, Kili finally managed to shoo his mother out of the living room, leaving the boys to eat their ice cream in peace. By now, though, it had already begun melting all over Fili’s hand, who remained intimidated by it.

“What hell is this?” he badgered Kili.

“It’s ice cream. Here, lick that stuff on your hand up. It won’t be as good as the frozen bit but it’s making a mess all over your hand so like. Yeah, like that,”

Fili slowly dragged his tongue up his hand, slurping all the liquid ice cream into his mouth. The reaction was immediate. He reeled back and his eyes widened a considerable amount.

“What fuckery is this?!” he shouted, hysterical. He looked to the remaining frozen treat and didn’t hesitate to take a huge bite. Eyeballs nearly popping out of his skull, Fili stuck his tongue out, overwhelmed by the cold sensation.

“Don’t just let it fucking melt off your tongue! Swallow it!”

Fili brought his tongue back into his mouth and gulped loudly, holding his throat with his hand. He ended up choking it back up. “It is cold!!” he whined,  “too cold!! I do not want, get it off!! Kili, get it off! What do I do with this!?”

“No you get it off!” Kili instantly countered, watching as Fili let the the glob of ice cream slide off his tongue and onto the floor. “Fili what the hell!”

A large amount of drool and white sticky liquid had begun leaking out of Fili’s mouth as well, while the rest of the leftover ice cream kept on melting. Panicking as it began dripping onto the sofa, Kili sprinted to the kitchen, grabbed two large handfuls of leftover fast food napkins and sprinted back. He began gratuitously wiping up the residue from the couch with one hand, and Fili’s poor messy wrist with the other. Fili’s chest was also a casualty, while the blond himself tried to hurry up and consume the rest of the frozen treat before any more chaos could happen.

“Kili get it off my chest!!” he shrieked. “Too cold!!”

“I can’t, my hands are full-- dammit, fine! Shit!”

Kili shoved Fili’s arms up in the air, grabbed one of his shoulders for balance then stuck his face to Fili’s chest. He had no other choice than to begin licking Fili’s mostly-hairless chest clean. He didn't notice the way Fili's nipples started to harden or the way Fili's whines of distress began morphing into shallow pants. Ice cream from Fili’s hand above him began dripping onto his neck, leading an impressively flexible Fili to bend over and begin cleaning that up with his mouth as well. A sticky hand grabbed Kili’s hair as he sucked on Kili's neck (practicing his hickey skills because two birds, one stone), then pushed him away when his chest was clean. Kili's eyes were partly closed from the neck sensation, but they shot up to the mostly empty cone warily and yanked it from Fili’s hand, chomping down on it quickly until there was not a crumb left. A brief assessment had them both breathing out large sighs of relief and collapsing back against the couch.

"Okay so that was a learning experience. Ice cream goes on the no-fly list, then," Kili said. Fili just nodded, laying back down on Kili.

After hearing the commotion die down finally, Dis snuck out of the kitchen to see the damage. Two debauched children covered from head to toe in a white, sticky substance, half naked and spotted with hickeys. Swollen lips, slobber and spit, and a head in a lap. She turned and paraded towards her special cabinet.

“I need a drink.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you love this chapter as much as Fili loves pizza you'll leave me a hella fresh comment, right? ;)


	7. Chapter 7

Dis ended up having to drive the boys to Kili’s apartment. Kili’s bike was beyond repair, after a hoard of crabs got to it and snipped the brake line and chain. They discovered the damage after walking out to grab it, only to find it buried under a mountain of tiny red crabs writhing around. The crabs made Fili angry, so much so that he delivered a solid kick to the pile, sending a good portion of them right at Kili.

Kili sputtered and waved around wildly until they were all shaken off, but they didn’t seem interested in him much anyway, going straight for Fili.

Fili hopped away from them and over to Dis, trying to hid behind her where she happily welcomed him into her embrace.

“Okay get your asses in the car, I’ll take you home. I’m also not trusting the looks those seagulls are giving us and I don’t want this to turn into a Hitchcock movie,”

There was a lot of that sentence that Fili didn’t understand, but he was used to it and let himself be led over to a large metal bubble. In the months that Fili had lived up on the land, he had seen plenty of these metal contraptions. He’d even been near them plenty of times as he and Kili walked by on the sidewalk, but Kili would always pull him away saying that ‘standing and staring in someone’s car like that makes him look like a creep,’. Never had he actually been in one though, and now that he was about to, he was getting pretty nervous.

“Um… we are getting in? This??” he asked, eyebrows bunched together worriedly.

“Yes darling, just pop right on in the front there next to me and I’ll get you two home in a jiff!”

Fili looked back over to Kili who was sliding into the back seat of the green beetle. Putting on a brave face, Fili did the same in the front passenger’s seat, where he sat, petrified. He felt locked in, the air was stuffy and there was so little space! Dis reminded him to put on his seatbelt, which he had no idea what was.

“It’s the strap to your right, just pull it over and into the buckle. It’ll click. … … Have you ever been in a car?” Kili asked. Fili shook his head frantically, trying his best to keep his hands from shaking so much.

“No,” he whispered, finally clicking the seatbelt in. Dis turned the engine on, and Fili nearly shot through the roof, saved only by the seatbelt. Any other time Kili would have made fun of him, but seeing how upset Fili was made _him_ upset. He remembered that Fili was from _the ocean_. They most certainly didn’t have things like cars down there! This was an entire new world for him. Kili scooted closer to the middle of the back seat then sat forward, taking Fili’s hand. The sudden contact startled Fili, but soon he had Kili’s hand in an iron grip.

“You want to sit back here with me?” he asked gently. Fili shook his head.

“No, I’m fine,” he said softly. It seemed to be true, too, until Dis began pulling out of the driveway. Fili became ramrod straight and stiff as a board, his breath getting shallow. The car turned out onto the road, and then jerked as it was put into park, then drive. As they really began picking up speed before the stop sign, it finally proved too much for the overwhelmed.

“STOP! STOP PLEASE!” he shouted, scrambling for the door. Dis slammed on the brakes, and everyone was flung forward a few inches and flung back into the seat. Fili clawed at his seatbelt, trying to get free.

“FILI! Calm down!” Dis shouted, grabbing his hands.

“No, let me out! I will walk to home I do not--!!” his panicked sentence tapered off into a stream of his odd musical language. He finally managed to unlock the belt buckle and all but threw it off with a loud thud as it hit the car interior.

Kili jumped out of the car himself and opened Fili’s door, grabbing his arm and pulling him out onto the road with him, and directly into a tight embrace.

“Fil, it’s alright. You’ll be alright. Just come back in--”

“No I am not--”

“just come sit back--”

“I am not get in again!”

“Fili, it’ll be alright. Come sit in the back with me, and you’ll be okay. It seriously will take us only ten minutes to get to my apartment. Just keep thinking about how we’re going to order pizza, cuddle up under Fort Blanket and watch movies all night,”

They stood there in silence for a long moment, Fili’s head tucked into Kili’s neck. At long last, he nodded.

“Ok.” he grumbled, stepping out of the embrace. He and Kili returned to the back of the vehicle, Fili sitting in the middle because he felt safer. Kili grabbed his hand, and Fili scooted as close as possible next to him, not letting go. The entire trip, he had a look of fierce determination upon him, and Kili’s whole arm in a vice-like grip.

Even though Dis drove a bit under the limit, the speed still overwhelmed Fili quite a lot. Halfway through the trip, a stray crab [appeared](https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=8VP5jEAP3K4#t=95) in the gap between the passenger seat and the headrest. It was a dark silhouette, and it’s little claws flew up into the air like a warrior getting ready to charge into battle. This turned out to be a poor move on its part because Fili noticed it immediately. Already on edge, Fili roared out and slammed down the headrest, effectively smashing the wee crustacean into a crabcake. That’s when Dis decided it was time to speed the car up just a bit.

They made it outside Kili’s dingy apartment in one piece, not including the crab. Dis got out of the car to give Fili a very affectionate goodbye hug and Kili a pat on the back.

“If you ever need _anything_ , darling, just give me a call. Here, hand me your phone and I’ll put in my number,” she told Fili, helping him pull the device out of his back pocket.

  


Dis handed back the phone.

“Alright you two, I’ll see you again soon I hope,” she told them, giving them both goodbye kisses on the cheek before getting back in her car and zooming away. Fili looked at Kili, a small smile erasing the stress lines from moments before.

“I like your mom, she is real nice lady,”

Kili rolled his eyes as he pulled out his keys.

“Yeah I bet you like her. She sure as hell likes you, that’s for sure,”

Leading Fili up the stairs, he let them in and mindlessly threw the keys onto the filthy kitchen counter. The only light coming in was from the moon until Kili flicked on the kitchen and began raiding the fridge.

“I’ve got pizza from the other day so no need to order one tonight,” he mumbled, yanking the old box out and tossing it onto the counter next to the sudden cat. Kili startled at the sight of the little calico, but ignored her otherwise.

“Cat.” Fili said softly, gliding up behind her to awkwardly pat her head. Cats were another thing Fili had seen plenty of-- on television. This was his first real life encounter, and he was much more excited about this than the horrible car ride.

“Yyyeah, that’s my roommate’s cat, Salty,” Kili told him as he preheated the oven. “You can go ahead and pick out a few movies if you-- oh wait, no. I know what to watch. Just sit your ass down on the couch and get comfy.” a sly smile stretched it’s way across Kili’s cheeks, and he slid out of the kitchen, around the counter and into his bedroom down the dark hallway. He scooted back out some time later, arms full of DVDs, a bong and accompanying baggie of weed and two packages of popcorn. Fili meanwhile had migrated to the blue-and-white striped couch with Salty purring away happily on his lap as she licked at his thighs.

Fili grabbed the offered bong to him while Kili moved away to stick popcorn in the microwave, and Salty moved from Fili’s legs to rubbing all over his chest and face, licking away. As he tried to pet her, she nipped lightly at his fingers before hopping to the floor and slinking away. Fili kicked his sandals off and gently placed the bong on the floor, opening the small sandwich baggie of weed and packing the bowl. Kili flipped off the lightswitch and returned from the tiny kitchen with a case of chilled soda and the leftover pizza, leaving them in almost total darkness. Only the light of the blank television, bright although it was only on a black input screen, prevented Kili from stubbing any of his toes on furniture.

On his hands and knees, Kili opened a DVD case and popped in the disc, the distinct sound of Fili lighting up and taking a hit coming from behind him.

“What are we watching?” Fili asked as he let the smoke out of his lungs.

“A surprise,” Kili grinned.

“Ok wait I have to pee,” Fili told him, pushing himself up off the couch. He ambled into the bathroom, flipped on the light and was greeted with a very unpleasant sight. There, sitting on the shag toilet lid cover, was another tiny crab. It was scuttling around from side to side super quickly, pausing only to [hop forward](https://vine.co/v/ee150MIjjMM) on the seat towards Fili a couple times before sprinting around in a circle.

Fili’s jaw clenched and his lips pursed. He stomped over to the toilet and flipped the lid open with a bit more force than necessary. Instead of smashing the crab like its predecessor, it merely fell down a bit, landing on porcelain. Fili quickly snatched it up by its claw and dropped it into the toilet water, watching with pleasure as it floundered. Fili whipped out his penis and began peeing on it. He watched as the crab spun around and around in the whirlpool after he flushed it and didn’t tuck himself away until he saw the last of the shelled critter.

The blond sauntered back out to Kili, looking curiously to the menu screen that was playing on a loop.

“Thuh… Behrrrdss…,” he sounded out. Kili breathed out a large puff of smoke.

“Yeah, The Birds. It’s a horror movie about killer birds, like that crap we’ve been putting up with from the seagulls. Thought it was funny. You good for this? It’s an oldie but a _reaaalll_ goodie, I promise,” he explained. While Fili had a basic grasp on writing, knowing the bare minimum to get his point across when texting Kili, reading was still a large weak spot. Kili though was always there to help him out, giving him fleeting lessons just as he did with speaking.

“Yiss, I like the scary ones!” Fili nodded, smiling.

“Okay cool, let me grab the popcorn real fast,”

As Fili waited, a small, sharp stabbing pain resonated through his calf.

“Ouch! What--?” looking down, he found Salty between his legs on the floor, gnawing on him. “What!? Salt why are you doing this it is hurting me!” he yelped, trying to shoo her away. Salty was undeterred, nibbling and lapping at his scales. “Salt, no…” he whined.

Kili walked over with a bowl of popcorn and dropped it into Fili’s lap. He bent over and picked Salty up, bringing her to his roommate’s room and shutting her in.

“Sorry about that,” he chuckled, “I don’t know what the hell she’s doing but she needs to be put away anyway, the smoke’s not good for her.”

Massaging his calves, Fili nodded, frowning. “Okay, good.”

Kili sat back and propped his legs on the coffee table, looking over to Fili.

“You good?” he asked.

“Yup, I’m good.” Fili tossed a handful of popcorn into his mouth, chomping loudly.

“Good,” Kili pressed play on the remote. His arm was thrown behind Fili, their legs were crossed identically on the coffee table, and Fili’s arm had idly come up to Kili’s, slowly and absentmindedly playing with his fingers. “Let’s get this show on the road,”

  


 

One hundred and nineteen minutes later, Fili looked over into Kili’s soul with wide, bloodshot eyes. In the background, the three surviving heroes of the movie drove off away in fear from the their torment, an entire island covered in violent crows.

“Kili, I have a question,” he said softly.

Kili nodded once, deeply, his eyes just as red. They spent the majority of the film smoking, and both the pizza and popcorn were beyond history. Their heads were filled with haze, vision swimming.

“You tell me… hair on face, it is normal. Hair on arms, is normal... hair on chest, is normal…” Fili seemed unsure, and it took him a minute to proceed with what he wanted to say. He leaned forward and grabbed the two liter of Pepsi Kili had eventually pulled out of the pantry and brought over for him. Kili was more of a Coke guy, but Fili discovered that he really preferred the sweeter soda. After taking a long swig, he spun the cap back on, placed it on the floor between his feet and returned looking to Kili.

“You tell me this, but you never say…” one of his hands lightly grabbed the hem of his thin grey t-shirt, raising it a few inches and revealing a bright yellow trail of hair leading down into his brand new swim shorts covered in brand new stains. Kili’s eyes dragged down to the happy trail and the v-line there. There wasn’t as much chub on Fili’s stomach as there had been some months ago (after being teased a few times by both Kili and Lindir he picked up a strict regimen of going down to the ocean and swimming laps for as long as his weakened lungs permitted), but a very thin layer remained. Kili thought it was an endearing trait. He fought to focus back in on Fili’s voice as he continued.

“It is normal for hair…” his voice dropped to a whisper, “ _down there?_ ”

His tone was very dull, but the worry was still laced in.

Suddenly very aware of how dry his throat and mouth were, Kili tried to produce a bit of saliva to swallow but it didn’t work out. His eyes shot back to Fili’s face.

“Show me.” he stated, voice hoarse.

Fili nodded, climbing unsteadily to his feet and tugging at his short’s laces. He smoothly began pulled them off, letting them pool at his feet.

Kili stared unabashedly at his dick. It was shorter and wider than his own, though not by much. The bright blond curls there curtained it beautifully, and Kili wanted nothing more than to see if they were as soft as they appeared. His gaze flicked to the ever-present scales. They started right below his groin at the top of his thighs, and faded off into translucency at his hips and ankles.

“So?” Fili asked, eyebrows creasing in worry.

Kili stood up.

“Kili?”

“Fil… you’re perfect,” he mumbled.

“So is normal?” Fili asked softly.

“Yeah. Yeah. Way normal. Mine’s like that too,” Kili told him offhandedly.

“Really? Show me too,”

“Not right now. Fil I wanna make you feel good…”

Fili shook his head minutely, baffled.

“Lee you always make me feel good. I am always feel good with you,”

“Nah. Not like that. I wanna try something else.”

“What? More cuddles?”

Kili ignored him.

“I’ve never done this before, but… my ex-girlfriend. She really liked to watch gay porn, ‘n she had me watch it with her sometimes, so like… yeah,” he grabbed Fili’s hands, tugging him by the hands gently. “C’mere, sit on the couch,”

Not letting go of Kili, Fili looked down at his feet as he stepped out of his shorts. His knees bumped into the couch and he flopped onto the cushions, turning to sit on his butt.

“I like to be naked, it feels nice a lot,” he wondered aloud.

“Yeah, I like it too. It’s nice to get a little breeze now and again,” Kili replied, now on his knees in front of Fili. He pushed his knees apart, and that’s when Fili began to get suspicious.

“Kili?”

The brunet’s right hand reached forward and gingerly grabbed Fili’s cock. Fili jumped and slammed his knees shut, horrified. His hand shot down and slapped Kili’s wrist.

“K-Kili! What in fuckery-- what-- K-Kili w-what are you doing!?” he shrieked, face red.

“No, Fili! It’s fine. This is what people do… who really like each other. It’s supposed to feel good. I want to make you feel good… really good. Fil… don’t you trust me?” Kili pleaded, looking up at him.

“Y-yes… you know I do,” Fili whispered. “But…”

“But what?”

“It is dirty down there…”

“Is it? Are you dirty, Fili? Do you not wash yourself like I taught you to?”

“No! I am in water all the time, you know this. I am clean!”

“Then you’re fine. C’mon Fil. I just want to try. If you don’t like it, then I’ll stop. Kay?”

Fili didn’t respond until he was prodded.

“... Yes, okay.” he finally agreed quietly. Kili smiled gently and rubbed Fili’s knee for a moment before softly pulling his legs apart. Both of them took in large, shaky breaths. Fili held his while Kili let his out, bringing his head slowly up close to Fili’s junk. His right hand pulled back foward to hold the dick, and in one swift move, Kili took Fili’s dick into his mouth. Fili whimpered at the wet heat, throwing his head back against the couch.

Kili pulled back, unsure about the odd texture and taste. The air hit Kili’s leftover saliva and Fili keened at the feeling, knees shaking and snapping back shut. Kili shook his head and pried them apart, pleasantly surprised to see Fili’s dick beginning to salute him.

“No I got this. I’m going to make you feel good,”

This time he licked a long stripe from the base up to the tip, making Fili twitch. His hands were clawing into the couch cushions, not sure what to do with them. Kili made sure to lap at the head for a brief moment before engulfing what he could back into his mouth. Any thoughts of gay porn left his mind and instead he began to recollect what it was like to be on the receiving end of his previous girlfriends.

The hand holding the base of Fili’s dick began to pump it slowly, and that’s when Kili felt the hand grab his scalp, tugging.

Fili was panting now, letting out quiet little whimpers. Kili smiled around the cock at the sound, tasting the beginnings of precome and trying to remember more. Letting his eyes fall shut, Kili began suckling rythmically for a moment, matching the pace of his hand and revelling in the sounds Fili was making.

" _Oh..._ " he sighed. His eyes were closed also, and the hand in Kili’s hair had gone limp as he let himself be overcome with pleasure. Then Kili’s head began sliding up and down suddenly, and Fili felt his left eyelid twitch.

It had been maybe only a few minutes, but he began to feel an unfamiliar tightness in his groin. It became more and more intense as Kili’s sloppy and inexperienced ministrations continued. Then, blam. A sharp jolt shot through his dick and Fili was overrun by pleasure and relief all at once. He barely recognized the loud shout the left his own mouth, nor did he notice as his grip came back full force on Kili’s head, pushing his cock further into Kili’s face.

Kili had no warning for the sudden deluge. One second he was enjoying himself immensely, the next he was choking on thick wads of come. He jerked back out of Fili’s grip and fell back onto his ass, rolling over to his hands and knees. He hacked up the salty substance out of his larynx and onto the already filthy carpet. Fili lay boneless against the couch, trying to take deep breaths but being interrupted by persistent hiccups. From elsewhere in the apartment, Salty was scratching and meowing from behind her owner’s door, begging to be let out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BROJOB BROJOB CHOO CHOO!!!!!!!!!!111
> 
> Wowowow super fast update huh. WELL, I'm on vacation, so. ANYWAY *shakes suggestion box* tell me in the comments (or on tumblr. Wherever.) what your idea(s) of a great/hilarious place to do the do (that means sex) would be. Any and all answers will be taken ;) wink wink nudge nudge
> 
> OH DID YOU GUYS SEE THE PAINTING I DID?! I made fanart for my own story haha lame. You can find it HERE 
> 
> http://lindir-official.tumblr.com/tagged/surf%20&%20turf
> 
>  
> 
> I was promised wine while doing this, but I did not get wine. I still had fun painting this though. I encourage cracky fanart of this, doitdoitdoit
> 
> OH and BY THE WAY
> 
> "Vampire practice"
> 
> you guys. please. that's so cute. 'vampire practice'. Those two were giving each other hickeys and you know it. Only toothless vampires give hickeys. So maybe they were practicing to be old fart vampires. cute. 2 cute.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter doodles on my blog, tagged under Surf & Turf. I'll input links at the appropriate places so you can see them if you'd like :3  
> and yessss it's been over a fucking month since I've updated, and I apologize to the ten of you that read this story lmao. I have so many stories to write... nnng I should probably just hold a poll for you guys to tell me which to update/publish next :P
> 
> PS this chapter is dedicated to the bird anon ;) you know who you are ;) ;) ;)

Kili blindly reaches for his phone and answers the call, putting the device to his ear with help from his shoulder.

“Yo,” he greets, struggling to pull his apartment key out of his pants pocket. He shifts his bag of groceries to his non-dominant hand to try and make things easier.

_“Kili, I need you,”_

Dammit. Kili sighed. “What is it now, Fil?”

_“Um… I washed clothes and you need to come get me. They want me out and I can not go in again,”_

“What? Why? Where are you??”  
  
_“There is little sign on the door out side and it said I can pay with lots of thing but I only have kisses so I try to[pay with kisses](http://i.imgur.com/3cRlwjT.jpg) but they are mad? I can’t come in no more they say. They make me leave but I can go in to dry my thing first they is said, cause my things is already in there,”_

Kili entered his apartment and tossed the bag and his keys onto the counter, grabbing his phone with his right hand and sticking his left on his hip.

“Wait, what?” his eyes narrowed. _Kisses? Who the fuck is trying to kiss my boy_ , he thought. Fili tried to repeat himself, but Kili stopped him. “Okay, okay, whatever, where are you?”

_“Mmm… I do not know, it is cloth place. Next is sanwij store? ‘nd other side is for babies,”_

Kili’s free hand swooped up and hit his forehead, dragging down his face.

“Are you telling me you’re at the laundromat in the next town over??? How the hell did you even get there!?”

 _“You give me bus card,”_ Fili explained. _“I go explore, I find giant fish shop. There is sad amount of real fish here,”_ he lamented. _“So I find other place. Place for cloths here so I brang them. I like it here, it is nice. Why don’t you live here Lee?”_

“What? Why don’t you live there then? I live here because of my budget and my mom. … Wait, you took the bus all by yourself?”

_“Mm yes, it is always scary. Want you with me but I go when you work,”_

“Well you shouldn’t have gone without me!”

 _“Kili I need you to get me!”_ Fili cried again.

“I don’t know if I want to come get you, now,”  
 _  
“What?! Why?”_

“I d’know… I just picked up this game, and I’m about to make dinner…” Kili teased, smirking.

_“Kili please! They are not letty me leave until you get me…”_

“Why me? What if I don’t want to? Or don’t have the money to pay them? You should just get someone else to help you,”

 _“... I do not have no one else… you know this...”_ Fili whispered into the phone. He sounded so upset and ready to cry. _“No one else… so alone…”_ It broke Kili’s heart and made him feel guilty beyond belief.

“Oh, man, Fili, I was just teasing. You know I’ll always be there for you,”

Fili let out a large sigh of relief.

 _“Thank you Kili! Aah, thank you. I will do nice thing to you when we get home, I promise!”_ he babbled on excitedly. Kili smiled, reaching for his keys.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you in a little while. Sit tight, hombre,”

 

Kili had to call his mother to give him a ride. She was all too happy to comply, thrilled at the chance to see Fili again. Out of respect for her son and his boyfriend (“I’m not gay mom!”), she stayed in the car. Kili wandered into the laundromat, the tinkling bell on the door drowned out by by the sound of machines whirring loudly throughout. He walked six steps into the facility before stopping abruptly. Lindir was sitting on a bench against the far wall, his head in his hands. Kili walked up to him, grimacing.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked.

Lindir’s face shot up and his expression melted into one of relief.

“Oh you’re here, finally. He called me frantically, asking me to pick him up but now that I’m here he’s refusing to move! He’ll react better to you, definitely,” he explained.

Kili rolled his eyes. “Okay, fine. You can leave now,” he said.

“Oh, uh… I used the last of my change on the ride here--”

Kili groaned and pointed viciously at the large front window, to his mother waiting out in the car outside. She smiled and waved.

“Oh okay, thank you,” Lindir said awkwardly, standing up with his book bag and walking out the door.

“Alright, fish man, where are you hide-- oh.” Kili stared in bemusement at the other end of the parlor, where Fili was sitting on top of a rocking dryer in the corner. He was sitting quite provocatively, legs spread and hips tilted just so, [a blissful look on his face](http://40.media.tumblr.com/630dbd6bb673e69b3e72e195ad8f1852/tumblr_nvmgnnpiX81u05lrfo2_1280.jpg). Kili walked over and stood in front of him, waiting until Fili cracked open an eye to say something.

“I’m going to need you to put on some underwear before you say anything,”

Both of Fili’s eyes shot open and he sat straight. He grabbed the hem of his banana covered tank top and pulled it up.

“I am wearing underoos!” he exclaimed, tugging at the thin grey fabric. Kili rolled his eyes and shook his head, glancing out the large windows and seeing Dis laughing hysterically at Fili. He prodded at Fili’s stomach and pulled his shirt down just as the dryer finished.

“Oh it stopped,” Fili said sadly. “Kili you know that it feel good to sit on? You need to try it,”

Kili couldn’t hold back his laughter, “Yeah, I fucking bet it feels good. Grab your shit and let’s go--”

“And a-blow this-a pop-sicull stand!!” Fili shouted excitedly jumping into a slight crouch and punching the air.

“Yikes, okay buddy, that dryer did a bit too much work on you, didn’t it?” when Fili stood straight again Kili smacked his ass affectionately as he walked away, leaving Kili to grab a convenient shopping bag and put Fili’s clothes into it. Not seeing any clerks around, Kili quickly and quietly snuck out, forced to slide into the backseat next to Lindir since Fili so graciously decided that he belonged up front. Still afraid of being inside a moving vehicle, though, he silently reached back and grabbed hold of Kili’s hand for safety.

 

Dis dropped the three of them off at Kili’s apartment, kissing and hugging them all goodbye (Fili getting a few more smooches than Kili) then leaving. Kili begrudgingly let Lindir inside and dropped Fili’s bag of clothes on the couch next to him.

“Hope you guys like spicy food, because I’m making jalapeno poppers for dinner.” he called out to them from the kitchen. He heard the small television get turned on in the other room and accepted that he’d be able to get into the zone to make his favorite food.

Fifteen minutes into his preparation he had washed his jalapenos, cooked the bacon and pulled out the cream cheese. He had just preheated the oven and started slicing the jalapenos when he felt a presence behind him.

“I want to help,” Fili told him, barely leaving two inches between them.

“Okay, well… here, you can help me cut these up. C’mere I’ll show you,” he moved them both around until he was pressed up behind Fili, demonstrating how the peppers should be cut. Fili took to it very well, enjoying holding the knife in his hand. Kili left him to it as he prepared the pan.

“You can slice the bacon and the cream cheese while you’re-- oh, you already have. Okay, uh… let’s finish putting them together and then it’s just into the oven with them,”

They both stood side by side putting the cream cheese and bacon bits into the hollowed peppers, sprinkling shredded cheese on top and placing them into the greased pan.

As they stood and watched them from the oven window, Kili turned and looked into Fili’s eyes, smirking.

“These are gonna be good,” he purred. Fili grinned, scratching at his teenaged-boy mustache.

“Good like kisses?” he asked. “Kisses are very good.”

Kili hummed and nodded. “Yeah, kisses are pretty nice,” he agreed. He looked over and caught the blond staring at him pointedly. “Oh,” he laughed, turning fully towards him. “Look man, we talked about this… I’m not gay. What happened last month was just… I don’t know. We weren’t sober,” he shrugged awkwardly and tried to turn away.

Fili glared and grabbed his arms, preventing him from moving.

“Do not say that, it’s lying, you know it.” he hissed quietly. “You are super gay!”

“I am not super gay! I’m not gay at all!” Kili replied, his voice just as quiet. They crouched down next to the sink and pressed their foreheads together as they bickered.

“You are gay for me!”

“Well yeah I’m gay for you, but that doesn’t count! Of course I’m gay for _you_ ,” Kili scoffed, grabbing Fili’s hand.

“Doesn’t count?? What--”

“Hey, uh…” Lindir appeared in the kitchen, staring down blankly at them. They jumped up and stepped away from each other. “... I was just wondering how much longer it’d take? I will probably have to leave soon,” he checked his phone for the time, “I have classes in the morning, so,” he shrugged.

“Oh, yeah,” Kili nodded frantically, “it shouldn’t be too much longer.” he went over and yanked open the over, bending over to look in dramatically. “Yup! Almost done!” he declared.

Lindir nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay… well America’s Next Top Model is on so I’m going to go back and watch it then…” he inched away.

Kili sighed and shook his head, stepping away from the oven and straight into the Fili golem, who grabbed his face and kissed him. Kili pulled away in shock.

“Oh you fucker, that’s not cool,” he grumbled, quickly recovering and returning the action. Fili responded much more positively as he was rammed up against the fridge with one of Kili’s hands in his tangled, dreaded mess of hair and the other holding his face. Fili’s own hands came up to caress Kili’s face as they made out against the appliance, Kili’s knee forcing its way in between Fili’s scaly legs.

Fili’s lips were so nice, all plush and hydrated thanks to the Lipsmacker collection he’d amassed. Today’s flavor was sparkly Strawberry Watermelon, apparently. The flavor matched the cute little bow that came with it that was hidden in the blond dreads somewhere, among the plethora of other sparkly beads and trinkets.

Kili had dreamed of kissing his best friend more than once, but this was the first time it was happening for real.

They spent several long minutes just breathing each other in, eating each others face. But then Kili felt his pants button undone and he was brought back down to reality.

“Whoa, hey, too much,” he said, trying to step back. Fili locked him in place with his feet.

“No, you started it, you did me first. My turn now,” he replied, smacking Kili’s hands out of the way of his zipper. With a sigh, Kili relented and let the hand burrow its way into his cotton boyshorts.  “I seen a movie on my phone, they do it like this,” Fili mumbled, gripping Kili’s cock firmly and pumping at a leisured pace.

“A-ah, yeah, that’s-- nng, go faster,” Kili pleaded, “it’s called a hhha… h-handjob. You’re doing a good job for your first time. Mmm, shit. Though I’d think any man with a hand on his dick that’s nnnnot his would be saying that,” he chuckled. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the freezer door next to Fili’s.

“First time? No, I do this to me all the time!” Fili snorted. Kili laughed so hard at the exact moment that Fili tugged his cock particularly firmly that he came, sending his laughter into a deep guttural moan.

“Mmm, okay, Fili. I am super gay for you,” Kili mumbled. Instead of a response, Fili started twitching.

“O-ow. Um. Ow. OW. Kili? What? Hnng, what is happen-- nnng ow!” he started hyperventilating and rubbing at his eyes which were clenched shut in pain. Tears were leaking out and he shoved Kili out of the way as he ran directly into a counter and crumpled to the floor. Dazed and confused, Kili went to comfort him, but found himself falling to the ground too, in pain. An intense burning sensation had begun in both his eyes (well whole face, really) and his crotch.

“FUCKING JALAPENOS!” He cried out, clutching his loins in agony. Neither he nor Fili (who was now sobbing loudly) could open their eyes.

“Lindir!” Fili sobbed, taking one hand and reaching out to nothing. “LINDIR!!”

The other merman ran frantically into the kitchen, alarmed.

“What? What is it!? What’s happening?!” he asked, not understanding what he was seeing.

“C-call m’mum!” Kili slurred out in between sobs. “CALL ME MUM!” he reached into his pocket and launched his phone blindly, still managing to feel a sick satisfaction when he heard the thud of it hitting Lindir’s chest. He listened to Fili’s sobbing next to him and Lindir chatting to his mother on his phone.

“Y-yes, something has happened, but I don’t know--”

“JALAPENOS! WE GOT FFFFUCKING JALAPENOS IN OUR FACES AND ON M’DICK!” Kili howled. He heard Dis’ voice get louder and more upset on the other end of the line.

“Okay, okay, yes. Um, yes, no problem. Okay, goodbye, thank you, goodbye,” Lindir hung up and hopped over Fili and Kili to reach the fridge, yanking the door open.

“Milk, milk, do you have milk?” he asked. “Your mom will be here as soon as she can, but she said--”

“Of course I have milk, I fucking love milk! I have two fucking gallons in my fridge!” Kili shouted.

“Bowl, bowl??” Lindir asked. Fili blindly found a cabinet near him and grabbed the biggest bowl he could feel out and flung it at the man. It was an extremely large tin bowl that could fit an entire person’s head in it-- which is exactly what Fili did the instant after Lindir dumped a gallon and a half of milk into the bowl. Fili choked immediately and drew back out, dripping wet and hacking the liquid up out of his lungs.

“I can’t-- can’t breath it! Can’t breath and BURNINNNGG!” he screamed.

“It’s fucking MILK of course you can’t breath it, dumbass!” Kili roared elbowing Fili away from the bowl and walking on his knees over to it. He splashed his face with it and tried to get as much in his eyes without opening them.

Just then a frantic knocking sounded on his door.

“MOM! Let her in, let her in!” Kili screamed at Lindir, who ran over and opened the door. Dis burst in and hurried over to them, getting on her knees.

“Okay, darlings, talk to me. What’s burning?”

“Our fucken eyes and me fucken cock!” Kili ground out.

“What the hell were you doing with your penis??” she asked, horrified. She pulled Fili into her arms, hugging him as he wept.

“Fili gave me a handy after cutting up jala-- the oven!!” Kili freaked out as he remembered that the stuffed jalapenos would have been long burnt by now, and was afraid of starting a fire.

“I got it, I got it!” he heard Lindir say. He found an oven mitt and grabbed the tray from the oven, dropping it on top of the stove. “They’re fine! They’re still edible,” he reported.

“Good, I want revenge on those fuckers,” Kili sighed.

“Okay well first we have to stop the burning, darlings, and the best way to do that according to the internet is milk. So both of you just… here’s a dishcloth for each of you, just keep dipping it in the milk and rubbing your face and eyes. Yeah, just like that. Kili, I’ll get a separate bowl of milk for you to stick your penis in,”

“I’ll do fucken anything to get this burning to stop, even if it means whippin my dick out and sticking it in a bowl of milk,” Kili sniffled, not even waiting for a separate bowl.

Grossed out, Lindir left the room.

“Wait, Kili, at least let me get another bowl--”

“No I do not care about dick milk I just want suffering to stop,” Fili moaned, wiping the milk cloth all over his face vigorously. Dis sighed and rolled her eyes.

“Okay, fine, do whatever,” she sighed, standing back up and leaving to join Lindir in the living room.

 

Half an hour later, the boys were still laying on the kitchen floor crying in pain. Dis stuck the jalapenos in the oven to keep them warm. Thirty minutes after that, Fili and Kili finally shuffled out of the kitchen and joined the other two. [Their faces were swollen, their eyes and noses red from crying.](http://41.media.tumblr.com/3e23f29cc60ecab09a2f7ad4fdff7f03/tumblr_nvmgnnpiX81u05lrfo1_1280.jpg)

“Oh dear. Feeling better now?” Dis asked her sons. They both nodded pitifully.

“Yes, much better,” Fili whispered. Kili just grunted and placed his hands gingerly on his crotch. Dis smirked in her attempt to repress a laugh.

“Ready to eat?” she asked. All three men nodded. “Alright, I’ll serve us.”

She came back from the kitchen and handed everyone a plate with three medium sized jalapenos each with plenty of napkins and forks.

Fili managed to finish one entirely before he slowly lifted his face from his plate and gave Kili a scandalized look.

“What? Don’t you like it?” he asked incredulously.

 _“This is burning too,”_ Fili whispered desperately. He gently placed the plate on the coffee table and slowly got up, walking silently to the bathroom. Moments later they heard him puking, and Kili whined in concern. He put his plate on the couch and hurried after the blond.

Exasperated, Dis looked over at Lindir. “You done?” she asked. He nodded.

“Kili I’m taking Lindir home! Call me later and check up with me, okay?” she called out.

“Okay!” was Kili’s muffled response.

 

Two hours later found the two laying bundled up in Kili’s bed, cuddled up together.

“Why was that burning?” Fili asked him.

“Well… some foods are spicy. They burn. I don’t know why, they just do.”

“Oh, okay. Never again,” Fili shook his head, glaring. “That was awful,”

Kili laughed. “Yeah, that was a bit awful. I’m not going to stop eating jalapenos, but… I’ll just have to wear gloves or be super careful when cutting them from now on,”

“Oh, let me cut them. I liked that. I’m good with knives,” Fili told him.

“Mm, yeah, that was some crazy talent you had there. Okay, from now on, I’ll let you do the cutting for our dinner,” Kili smile matched Fili’s that brightened his whole face.

“Okay, so, and, for two legs, how do you do the thing? How you say, er, sex? Or did we have sex today. What is that? How do we have sex.”

Kili blushed. “Okay, um… well no that wasn’t sex. That was just a handy. Sex is a dude stickin’ his dick up a lady’s vaj, so… _gay sex_ would be… well my dick would have to go into your ass. Repeatedly.”

They stared at each other blankly for a full minuted before Fili continued with his questions.

“Okay. Um. Why is your dick up my ass? Why not my dick up your ass?”

Kili shook his head. “Out of the question. That’s just-- I’m not bottoming. You’re the bottom.”

“What? No. I am not agree with this. We will find this out first hand, right now. Let’s go, we do it now,”

Kili reeled back. “What?! No, not now! Not today at all! It’s late, and I’m tired. I don’t even really know how to do it, I don’t want to hurt you. You’re tired as shit too, look, you’re yawning! We’re going to bed. We’ll deal with this tomorrow. Now turn around so I can spoon you,”

 

The next afternoon, bright and late, Kili woke up on his stomach to a strange tugging at his hair. He cracked open his eyes and grimaced.

“Fili wh’th’fuck ‘re you doin’,” he grunted, trying to pull his arm out from underneath him and swat at Fili. His arm was dead asleep, so he failed.

 **“Zantûn Amral,”** Fili said simply.

“What? Too early f’r this shit, say it ‘n English,” Kili drawled out.

“I don’t know how to. It is… hair… twisty? For… us.” Fili reached over Kili to grab his phone and take a picture, Kili admiring the view as his chest was mere inches from his face. Fili snapped the picture and showed it to Kili.

“A braid? I don’t get it,” Kili rubbed his eyes.

“Braid, okay. Braid, braid,” Fili rolled the word around in his mouth, trying to work it out and remember it. “Braid for you and me. Me and you. Together. Together braid!” he smiled. Kili’s eyebrows creased as he tried to work the information out.

“Oh… okay,” he yawned. “Boyfriend braids. So we’re boyfriends now then, have you decided?” he snerked. Fili looked confused.

“We are boy friends already. This is different?”

“Sorry, sorry, it is different. Boyfriends and girlfriends is a romantic term. Boys who are friends just do… eh, hugs? Bro hugs, I don’t know. But boyfriends…” Kili thought for a second, “boyfriends do this together,” he sat up and flopped over on top of Fili, grabbed his chin and lazily began kissing him. Fili let out a happy grunt and reciprocated fully.

“Okay,” he said when Kili pulled back. “Super gay boyfriends. I get it now,” he smiled.

“Ha, yeah, Scruffy,” Kili teased, taking both his hands and rubbing vigorously at Fili’s ever growing stubble. "Only for you though. I'm not gay. I'm just gay for you, and it's not only because you've got dank weed,"

“Hey, don’t do that! I like it, I think I will have it forever,”

Kili snorted. “Yeah well it’ll keep growing and growing and growing if you don’t shave eventually, then you’ll look like Santa or worse, Dumbledore.”

“Who??”

“Eh, no one important,” Kili got out of bed and stretched.

“Okay. We will learn sex today?” Fili followed him hopefully. Kili blushed.

“Oh, yeah. Um… We’ll go to the library and figure it out after breakfast,” he said, scratching his butt through his boxers and heading to the kitchen. “Oh, it’s one-thirty. After lunch then. I think there’s leftover jalapenos, do you want some?”

 _“No!”_ Fili hissed, stomping into the bathroom and slamming the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it :3 when I get home i plan to get straight to writing the next chapter so it's out much sooner!!  
>  Btw I still need more replies to what outlandish place would be interesting to have sex at. Plez send suggestions~! and plez comment, each and every one lifts my spirits!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helllllooooo!! I'm awful because this was supposed to be a special chapter but... NEXT CHAPTER FOR SURE.
> 
> important news!!  
> I have update chapters 1 - 5, just edited them and whathaveyou. You don't _have_ to go back and read them, it's not mandatory, but I _highly recommend_ you go back to reread **chapter 5** because there are indeed massive changes to that one. Let me know what you think about them ;)  
>  **((Go read the end of chapter 5, seriously. And maybe the first half of Ch2.))**
> 
> ALSO!!!!!!!! People of the month:  
>  **Geppettowoman/Islandkate** for helping me edit this chapter and for throwing ideas around with me, and **Sonsofdurin95!!** LOOK at this[ hella fresh, hella rad fanart that she did!!!!!](http://lindir-official.tumblr.com/post/130532693511/sonsofdurin95-for-lindir-official-i-dont) AAAAH! It's featured in Chapter 1!!
> 
> aaand one last thing before I let you go, class:  
> [more drawings from me!](http://werewulftherewulf.tumblr.com/post/132060939600/clockwise-l-r-spooky-were-mer-fili-spooky-were) Featuring Were-Fili. And is Spooky Fili is too much for you, then please enjoy the version of him I drew while drunk instead. Also there u3u
> 
> Alright, I unleash thee. Go forth!

Kili flipped through the tacky catalog with his free hand and shoved spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth with the other. He pointed at one ridiculous item in particular and looked up at Fili.

“Look at this shit,” he guffawed, mouth full of cereal puffs, “Who would buy this?”

Fili leaned over his plate of eggs and bacon and looked at what Kili was pointing to, bed pillows that looked exactly like food.

“Oh those look yummy.” Fili hummed. He tried to bring a strip of bacon up into his mouth but he missed at first and poked his cheek, leaving a grease mark. Salty hopped up onto the kitchen table, but went ignored as she lapped happily at Kili’s cereal milk.

Kili laughed. “You would. Those wouldn’t last the night if you had them.” he said.

“Huh?”

“You’d eat them in your sleep!”

Fili hummed quietly, reaching over to stroke Salty and scratch behind her ears. “Yeah, probly,” he went back to his plate and finished his runny eggs. “When are we sexing? I want to learn today.” he asked.

“We’ll do it now.” Kili ate another large spoonful of cereal. “We can go to thuh libwayee. They have fwee wifi theh. And booksh! We can luk foh… info theh.” he said, mouth stuffed full.

“The libry? I can not read,” Fili frowned, “You know this.”

Kili nudged him. “That’s not true, I’ve been teaching you! You’ll get plenty of practice while we’re there,” the two men shared smiles. Kili nudged the blond. “Get your shit ready, we have to take the bus until I get a new bike.”

Fili grimaced and watched as Kili took their dishes to the sink and rinsed them out. “Why do we not walk?” he asked.

“Walk?! The library is on the other side of town! Absolutely not, bro, sorry.”

Fili groaned and hid his face in his hands.

“But people are sticky on the bus…” he whispered. “So sticky and smelly.”

“You’ll just have to sit and smell me then, won’t you? I smell macho.” Kili grinned. He swung up his arm and stuck his nose in his armpit, taking a deep wiff. He hadn’t put on deodorant yet, and smelled quite rank. He slowly looked back to Fili but kept grinning to keep up appearances. He found Fili completely immersed in his phone, glancing back and forth between Kili and his screen. He tapped the screen and placed the device on the counter and smiled back.

“Sure,” he said. “When we goin’? I am ready now.”

Kili didn’t have to see to know. “Fili you’re going to need to be wearing pants to get in the library,”

“I am--”

“And shoes.”

Fili looked down at his feet, then hopped off the stool and disappeared into Kili’s bedroom. He came back wearing Kili’s blue flip flops, a pink tank top with a large pineapple on it and tight black boyshorts.

“Ehh, that’ll do,” Kili shrugged, knowing that Fili wouldn’t be too willing to change. He slipped on his own sandals and grabbed his backpack from the floor by the couch. “Alright, let’s fuck off.” he ushered the blond out the door.

 

Kili was sure that just seeing the outside of the library more than made up for the awful bus ride for Fili. The blond merman just stood there gaping, staring with wide eyes at the tall building.

“Y’know we can’t actually get anything done without entering the building first.” Kili mentioned. Fili nodded vigorously.

“Yes, we need to go in now.” he said, leading Kili inside. “Aah! This is lots! Way a lot!” he shouted upon seeing the first section. It was a young-adult fantasy scifi section, and Fili hurried right over.

“Hold up, Fishdick, we don’t need this type. We’re here for a very specific purpose and the only thing we’ll find here is space nerds doin’ space werewolves. We’ll probably want to try nonfiction.”

Fili stopped in his tracks. “Oh. But you are teach me to read? This would help?” he asked. Kili grimaced.

“These might be a bit too complicated for you right now. We’ll try the kids section later--” Kili swung around to try and spot Nonfiction but instead got an eyeful crows feet, wrinkles and lily-of-the-valley.

“No.” the old librarian in her pink cardigan, floral print dress and cat-eye glasses snapped, crossing her arms.

“Uh… what?” was Kili’s intelligent reply.

“That young man is not wearing the proper attire to be allowed into our establishment!” she huffed, gesturing wildly towards Fili.

Fili sauntered up next to Kili.

“Why? I am wearing pants!” he demanded.

“Absolutely not! Those are your underwear! You wear them _under_ your pants! _Under_ wear!” she hissed. Fili reeled back and pouted.

“I look cute in this!” he countered. “Kili even think this a lot.”

“What?” Kili asked, unhappy to be brought into the argument, “I never said that!”

Fili scoffed. “Not your mouth but your private bits get really happy when I wear this at home,” he swung his hips to and fro, grinning as Kili’s face turned red. “My butt is sssupah’ cute.”

“ _Be that as it may_ , you can’t be in here so under dressed! Get out!” the librarian hissed, pointing to the entrance. Kili sighed and placed a hand on Fili’s shoulder.

“It’s probably better if you head out, Fil.” he told him. A deep frown etched into Fili’s face, and Kili put his face close to Fili’s ear. “There’s a sex shop down the street from here… you should go in and check it out, maybe ask the clerk for some tips?” he murmured.

“Ohh, okay. Yeah, I will do that.” Fili nodded. He tried to walk around the librarian, but she pulled a magazine off a nearby shelf, rolled it up and began whapping Fili with it.

“Out! Out with you! Get out!” She screeched. Fili ducked and shielded his head with his arms and sprinted out the door. After watching Fili’s precious behind disappear, Kili sighed and shook his head, getting back to the task at hand.

 

As he discreetly browsed through a section he found about sex, Kili constantly looked over his shoulder. He selected a few books off the shelf and quickly spun around in hopes of finding an empty table or chair to read quietly in. Instead, he slammed directly into something tall, hairy and manly. It was his childhood friend, Brad.

“Ho-ly shit, Bard, what the hell are you doing here?” he asked, the color draining from his face. Bard was the absolute last person he had wanted to meet here.

“Oh hey dude, fancy meeting you here!” Bard said, Flinging an arm around Kili’s shoulder. “I’m reading up on some stuff for my classes at uni. But you… what are you doing?” he asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion as he scanned the raunchy section.

“Oh, I uh… am just doing some… research too…” much to his dismay, Bard grabbed the books out of his hand and read the front and back covers of each. “uhhhhhhhh…”

Bard looked back up at him.

“Bro, you gay?” he asked in a low whisper. “You don’t look gay.”

“Because I’m not gay!” Kili hissed. He grabbed the books back and hid them behind his back. “They’re just… for a friend is all. This guy I know, he… eh, y’know...”

“Wait, that blond guy you’re always talking about, right? It’s him, right?”

Kili blushed bright red. “I don’t always talk about him!” he demanded. Bard laughed.

“Yeah, man, you do. That weekend we spent together a while ago? You wouldn’t shut up about him, and you’re like, always chillin’ with him now.”

Kili looked around frantically to make sure no one was looking. Then he grabbed Bard’s arm and sunk them both to the floor.

“ _Okay, yes, it’s him_. He’s… special. But I’m not gay. He’s like-- he’s my-- you know how you’d do Victor Wonderle in a heartbeat but you’re still like super super straight?”

“Without hesitation.” Bard replied seriously. Kili dropped the books and grabbed Bard’s hands.

“ _This guy is my Victor Wonderle._ ” he whispered.

Bard stared at him for several long seconds, then nodded. “Okay.” he looked at the books. “You don’t know how to fuck a dude?” he asked. Kili looked away.

“No! Of course not!” he spat.

“That’s okay, me neither. That’s what these books are for. We’ll learn together.” Bard put his hands on top of Kili’s gently. Kili jerked back, confusion etched on his face.

“Bard, what?”

“Nah man, you were always there when I needed support, now I’ll be here when you need it. Let’s go learn to fuck a dude, brah.”

  
  


Fili strolled determinedly down the street, tripping and stumbling over cracked sidewalk and his own two feet. It didn’t help much that he was half concentrated on his phone screen and half concentrated on glaring up at shops that weren’t what he was looking for. He passed a pet store, where he stopped by the front window to take a selfie with the angry fish there, then one with a paper taped to the window with a picture of none other than _himself_ on it! Afterwards, he sauntered inside with every intention of buying a snack to go.

It only took the clerk there ten seconds to glance at Fili and then the flier taped to the counter in front of her. Fili smiled politely and walked up to her.

“I want hmm… fiff-ten go-fish to go please!” he declared, delicately clasping his hands together and placing them on the counter. The clerk grabbed a squirt bottle and immediately began spraying Fili, who was at first shocked and affronted, but then began basking in the cool feeling of the mist, a look of euphoria etched on his face. “I hope this not is extra monies...” he sighed happily, letting his eyes slide shut. “So nice, thankyous.”

His heart nearly leaped from his chest when he was smacked on the head with another rolled up magazine. He jumped back into a defensive stance, shielding himself once more.

“No no nonononono!” he yelped, sprinting out of the store under attack. “I just want a snack!” he whined. The door was slammed shut behind him, the welcoming bell nearly cracking the glass door as it banged against it.

Fili turned towards it and glared through straight to the clerk. “Rude!” he hissed. He adjusted his underwear and marched off.

As he fumed down the street he stared at his phone, grumbling at the screen. He stopped abruptly for two seconds so he could check his reflection in it (ever the merman, so _vain_!), when he became suddenly aware of a presence… a menacing presence from above. He turned his phone off and tilted it, using the reflection to see up and behind him. Sitting on the roof of the pet store was a flock of seagulls, about ten, fifteen of them. All of them were staring straight at Fili.

“Fucking--!” Fili hissed and picked up his pace, hoping to avoid them. No such luck. They had their eyes trained on him the entire time, and as soon as he took off, so did they. Like a fighter plane squadron in the Great War, the seagulls flew after Fili, taking aim and firing with precision that rivaled the Red Baron. Fili could do nothing but run, terrified. As he sprinted down the sidewalk, he narrowly avoided several obstacles; small children, pets on leashes, bums. It was something much smaller that was his undoing, though. Something small, red, and especially pinchy. The crab was just big enough to get caught between Fili’s feet, and the blond collapsed heavily to the sidewalk on his knees, causing vicious bruises and scraped palms.

Fili cared for none of that though. His eyes were trained on his phone, which had been sent shooting through the air. He watched in dismay as the device soared through the air, flipping and twisting like an acrobat in a Monty Python skit. It landed similarly, straight onto its screen with a loud smack and not getting up again. Fili was too horrified and upset to care about the drive by pooping he received. He crawled towards it and picked it up gently with shaking hands. He tried it, and was immensely relieved to find that it was still working fine, except for the shattered screen.

The crab sat next to him, clacking it's little claws. Fili slowly turned his head towards it and glared murderously. He reached over and plucked a joint from one of the claws.

"What is this even? Where do you get this? Give it to me is mine now you asshole," he hissed, shooing the beast away. He turned back to his phone sadly, sticking the joint idly in his mouth.

He stared at it for a second, then looked up. The device was still on the maps app, and according to it he was directly where he needed to be. Staring down at him in bright neon lights was _Breast, Ass and Beyond_. In the window was another flashing light, a blinking XXX. There were bras in the window, corsets, handcuffs, whips. Fili broke out in a nervous sweat. What did this stuff have to do with sex?? Two-leggers were very worrying.

“Hello, sweetling. You’ve been standing here for ten minutes looking scared. Do you want me to go in with you?”

Fili turned around to look at the new arrival.

“You know this place?” he asked hopefully.

“I certainly do. Here darling, take my arm. I’ll help you out.”

A relieved smile stretched across his face. “Yay, thank you.” he sighed, latching arms with his new companion.

  
  


Kili looked up from struggling with his crumbling taco when Fili walked back in the door.

“Oh hey you’re back. About time. I hope you ate, I didn’t get you food.” he said, gesturing to the shambles that was his taco. Fili walked over and sat down across from him, and he placed his shopping bag on the floor next to him.

“No, I’m okay. I had heck a day today. I met a person today but-- my phone…”

Fili dug the device out and showed it to Kili sadly.

“What happened? Oh those are cute, did you go shopping?” Kili was staring at Fili’s legs, which were hidden in a pair of red fish-scale leggings.

“Oh yeah, my friend taked me shopping,” Fili said, posing his legs. “I buy lots of colors so my legs are lots different colors every day. She brang me home on bus and we talked about cutie things.”

“Yeah they’re cute. What’d you do to your phone?”

Fili slammed his hands down on the table.

“Fucking crab!! And, and the-- mine mine birds! Mine! Mine! Mine!” he shouted.

“Seagulls,” Kili laughed. “That sucks though. We can get it fixed. Did you find the sex shop?”

“Yeah, I find it. I find Rosemee there too, she helped me a lot, got me lots of thing, look at this.” Fili picked up his bag and dumped its contents all over the table. There were several packets of condoms and tubes of lube, a pair of handcuffs, a blue gelee dick and a purple vibrator.

“Oh.” Kili stared down at it all, not really knowing what to do. Sure, he had spent two hours with Bard trying to figure it out, but right now in the moment it was different. “Ok, uh… _well_ … get naked.” he told Fili.

Fili grinned and hopped up to his feet. “I bet I can do this faster!”

Kili jumped up just as fast, his chair clattering to the floor. He tried to be nonchalant about it.

“Aha!” He laughed, leaning on the table with both arms. “Well you see… that’s where you’re wrong.”

They stood frozen, staring each other down and ready to move at a hair trigger.

“READYGO!” Kili shouted, and in an instant they were stripping at the speed of light. Kili unbuttoned his jeans and hopped out of them, kicking them away lazily. Next was his loose muscle shirt that depicted a banana flinging it’s peel behind it and screaming ‘let’s get naked!!’

He slipped it off and threw it at Fili’s face, whose dexterity trumped Kili’s accuracy.

Meanwhile, Fili yanked down his undies and leggings in one fell swoop. He got tangled up and fell, but he didn’t let that stop him. He slammed to his knees, but and immediately tugged off his shirt, throwing it across the room. It caught on a blade of the quietly whirring ceiling fan and spun around and around until it slipped off and soared and landed smack on top of Salty.

Salty let out a pitiful meow and sprinted off with the top out of the room. The boys both stood there naked watching the scene unfold. Kili startled.

“Who finished first?!” he asked, grabbing Fili’s wrist.

“Heck, I do not know.”

“Damn! We’ll just say it was me--”

“Oi!”

“Next we have to get to a bed! Let’s go!” Kili quickly interrupted him and pulled him to the bedroom.

  


“Okay so uh… you’re naked. I’m naked. We got the lube. It’s on my fingers, your legs are spread aaaaand--”

Fili grunted in discomfort. “Cold!” he groaned as Kili’s finger breached into him. Automatically Fili clenched down on Kili’s finger, a look of horror plastered on his face.

“Unclench, unclench!” Kili yelped, yanking out his finger. “Holy shit. Okay, uh… don’t do that.”

“I didn’t mean to!” Fili squawked, blushing madly. “I can do it better probly.” he stated. He sat up and pushed Kili over and quickly hovered over him. “Twolegger sex is weird, but mer sex is weird too. Mer sex starts out with nice kissies though, so we are try this.” Fili explained.

He lowered himself onto Kili’s chest and pulled his face into his hands before gently kissing him. It was soft and passionate and electrifying all at once. How many people had Fili kissed before? He was awfully excellent at it. Kili couldn’t bring himself to care, he got to experience first hand the result of Fili’s practice, and it was supreme.

When Fili pulled away and sat back up, Kili was dazed.

“Nice?” Fili asked. Kili nodded slowly.

“Oh yeah.”

“Okay good.” Fili nodded and grabbed a wayward bottle of lube. He popped it open and slathered some all over his fingers.

“Whoa, hey,” Kili began sitting up, “nah man, I’m not--”

“Nope, you suck at this. I do much better, you will see. Lay your ass down.”

Kili let himself be pushed back down onto the bed, but he brought Fili down with him, tugging him in for another kiss. As they made out Kili was thrown into a sluggish ocean of euphoria but he was abruptly yanked from it when he felt a finger _right there_. He couldn’t even react properly; the second he felt that finger, it was _in_ and that led to a whole other myriad of sensations. Fili was mouthing at his neck just so and his other hand was in Kili’s hair, tugging at his scalp. Then he was gone, minus the finger.

“See? Kissies make it better. Now what?”

“It’s uh… like scissors,” Kili grumbled, dazed. “Put two fingers in, then three after a while I think? I don’t-- !!!” Kili jumped in shock when he felt Fili add a second finger and not even hesitate to begin scissoring. “Holy sssshiit.” Kili groaned. Fili smirked.

“Good?” he asked, starting to slowly thrust his hand mischievously.

“Uhhhh yeahhh… you should keep doing that.”

“What’s that? You ready for more??” Fili put his free hand to his ear in feigned deafness. He added a third finger and picked up the pace.

“Wha-? Oh! _Shit_! Okay hold up, stop stop stop for a second. Fili stop man.” Kili gasped, clenching his eyes shut. His face was beet red and he was sweating bullets. Fili’s hand abruptly stopped and the blond stared down at him in worry.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just starting to hurt a little. Kind of stings, kind of burns. I just need a second is all.”

Fili nodded and pat Kili’s knee and leaned forward to peck him on the forehead. He let out a deep breath.

“I’m tursty, gonna get water. Want water?” he asked as he climbed off the bed.

“Uh, yeah, that sounds good thanks.” Kili nodded.

Fili puttered away out of the room and into the kitchen. As Kili lay and caught his breath he listened to Fili grab a couple glasses and fill them with special filtered water from glass bottles that he _demanded_ Kili have in his home at all times because tap water was too hard and plastic bottled water tasted poisonous. He came back and plopped down next to Kili, handing him a glass.

“Drinky drinky little two-leggy, is good for you~” he sing-songed, holding the bottom of the glass up as Kili tried to keep up with the flow of water gushing down his throat.

When finished Fili graciously dropped the empty glasses onto the bedside table. He quickly climbed back on top of Kili.

“You okay now?” he asked, grabbing Kili’s hands and pinning them above him to the mattress.

“Yeah, go on ahead.”

Fili’s hand quickly returned to its previous spot, his three fingers slipping in Kili’s gaping hole and getting right back to business.

“Ah yeah, that feels real nice,” Kili sighed. “Can’t you go any deeper?”

Fili paused. “Uh…” he looked down at his stilled hand. He started envisioning a scenario in which his arm was so deep within Kili, he was using him as a puppet. “No, I not think… uh… dick. Dick good. Ooh-la-la can goes deep in the tra-la-la.” Fili stammered, his thoughts speeding past his ability to translate. Kili laughed and tugged on Fili’s free arm.

“Well alright then, fin-boy. Stick me with your ooh-la-la~”

“Okay. Okay?” Fili grabbed his own cock and glared at Kili’s ass as he focused.

“Okay.”

Fili’s intense gaze transferred to Kili’s face. “Okay?”

“Yes!”

“Okay. And away… wwwee… go!” Fili pushed straight in, not stopping until he was balls deep.

 ** _“SHHIIIITT!”_** They shouted simultaneously. Fili fell on top of Kili, making Kili grunt in pain.

“Okay, holy shit. Yeah, Fee? Don’t fucking move for like a minute okay?” Kili rasped.

“Yeah.” Fili squeaked.

They stayed like that for five minutes. Then Fili tried to readjust himself and accidentally jerked his hips forward slightly.

“Aagh!” Kili yelped.

“Hurt again?!” Fili asked.

“No! Fuck, that felt good.” Kili replied. A slow smile crept onto Fili’s face.

“Oh yeah?” he rocked his hips slightly in response.

“Ohhhhh yeah.” Kili’s eyes were closed and a dopey grin took up his face.

Fili pulled out mostly then snapped his hips forward, roaring as he went. He and Kili synchronized in their moans of pleasure, and Fili quickly started up a steady pace. For the first minute or so it was awkward going as they got used to the intense sensations, but just like with everything else, Fili picked it up quickly. As he gently rocked Kili into the mattress, Kili reached and grasped his own prick, tugging at it every time Fili’s balls smacked his ass.

Everything was going fantastically for several minutes, and Kili had managed to get Fili to pick up his pace. All was great, all was good. And then Kili was seeing white. It was very brief, and when his visioned returned to him he was seeing stars and panting heavily.

“Holy fuck!” he snapped, staring at the ceiling. He sat up on his elbows when he realized Fili had stopped and was staring at him, still completely balls deep inside him.

“You… okay?” he asked slowly. “You were screamink.”

“Yes, shit yes I am way okay. I don’t know what you did, but it was something and that something was fucking amazing. Do it again.” Kili insisted. Fili smiled and shrugged. Then he snapped his hips forward a few times and Kili reacted similarly. He flopped down onto the bed, shouted, and…

“Kili you fucken asploded are you sure you are okay.” Fili stated, staring worriedly down at his partner.

It took Kili a minute to crack open his eyes and catch his breath.

“Yeah man. I am a-ok. And I didn’t explode… I came. Jizzed. Blew my load. This should be nothing new to you you told me you’re ‘batin’ all the time.” Kili made exotic hand gestures in the air. “You fucked me, you found some _crazy fucking spot in my ass_ , and I came. Good job buddy.”

“Oh, well that is nice. I still need to… _jizz_ though.” Fili grimaced, looking at his lap.

“Here, get out of me, I’ll help you out.”

Fili pulled out and crab-walked backwards on the bed until Kili grabbed his ankle to keep him from walking off the bed, consequently making him plop on his butt. By his grip on the limb, Kili dragged Fili back a bit. Then he took his other hand and grabbed Fili’s dick in a firm grip and began to stroke it. Fili struggled to keep himself upright on shaky arms, but he didn’t try to keep the grin off his face.

Kili wanked him off to completion, and afterwards they lay on each other with their dirty feet on Kili’s pillows. Fili rolled onto his back and folded his arms behind his head, Kili crossing his own arms across his chest. Fili turned then forced Kili onto his side as well, so he could jetpack the taller brunet.

“I’m glad we did this,” Fili mused. “It is nice.”

Kili nodded. “Okay, yeah, that was pretty great. I figure we’ll have to do it again some time.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ten places the boys attempt (and sometimes succeed) to have sex in interesting places

Yes, yes, it's been 2 months. Let's not talk about it. You can smack talk me in the comments though!

  
BUT: [ACCOMPANYING SOUNDTRACK!!!!!!](http://8tracks.com/werewulftherewulf/a-sea-shanty) Each track goes along with each section so you can either listen to it while reading along or... I'll link to the songs individually each segment... which will be divided by crab pixels BD

I'll also be linking things along the way that go along with the story, so I hope you guys don't find them too intrusive or anything :) and if you hover over the links you'll get info if there's more than one per segment... ... ... if there's not more than one link then it's just the song lol

Special shoutout to islandkate and straycrab, my best buddies. Trixlop too. I miss you a lot and hope you're doing well unu  
  
Also you! and you! and YOU! AND YOU! and  _YOU! YEAH THAT'S RIGHT_ \ o /  for sticking with me this whole time ♥ without further ado:

 

                                                                    

The old refrigerator slammed rhythmically against the wall. The cupboard door next to it had been left open, and was knocking open and shut. The silverware clattered quietly in the drawer.

Fili was bent over onto the counter. Surrounding him was a cutting board with[ raw meat, vegetables, and several herbs and knives](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orTYX0nMeXw). His black gym shorts were around his ankles and through the island window to the living room was the television, playing Gordon Ramsay cooking videos on a loop. Behind him was Kili, who had his hands on Fili’s waist and was slamming into him, snapping his hips quickly and wildly. With every thrust, his backside smacked against the fridge, causing it to hit the wall.

“ _Ohh_ yeah…” Fili sighed, letting his head fall gently onto the cutting board.

[ _“ **Hold** the steak, and just place it into the pan, don't drop it--” _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwu2y9x5OlM)

Kili leaned forward and grabbed Fili’s hair, pulling his head up, then stopped fucking him to lay nearly on top of Fili, nipping at his jaw and whispering nasty things into his ear. Fili only responded by groaning lowly into counter.

_“Place the pan into the oven for let’s say about twenty, twenty five minutes at around four-twenty degrees, that’ll do--_

Kili trailed a single finger down Fili’s spine as he stood straight up again, and lifted a bare foot at a time to unstick them from the linoleum. As he placed back down his right foot, it landed in a small splash of olive oil. His leg jerked forward and tried to find a good grip, but instead he slipped out of Fili and fell back and slammed his entire body weight into the fridge.

Fili stood and shuffled around right as Kili slid down to the ground.

“You okay?” he asked. He went to reach out to help Kili up after yanking his shorts back on, but then noticed the freezer door above the brunet had been flung open. He couldn’t help but just stand and watch as a single loaf of frozen garlic bread in plastic packaging slowly slipped out and smacked Kili on the head. Then another fell out. And another. And another. More and more and more continued sliding out of the freezer, landing right on top of Kili and adding to the mountain of bread. Kili sat staring at nothing in abject confusion. Finally, thirty-two loaves later, the freezer was empty.

Kili looked up at Fili.

“Why the fuck do you have so much garlic bread in your freezer?” he asked, face twisted up grossly.

Fili gestured to Gordon Ramsay still playing on the screen.

“I was gonna make for dinner tonight, I’m practin my cook skill.” he explained, smiling. Then he gave Kili a thumbs up

Kili got to his feet and rubbed his sore butt.

“We only need one for tonight! Why do you have so many?!” Kili asked again, beginning to try and pile all the frozen bread back into the freezer. Fili came over to help.

“Oh, I got a _really_ good deal at the store!” Fili grinned and nodded, leaning his weight against the freezer door to keep it closed. “And gahlic brid is yummy in the tummy.” he nodded, patting his stomach with his hands.

Kili’s mouth twisted into something sly. He fisted Fili’s hair and forced him to his knees.

“You’re right. You know what else is yummy in the tummy?” he asked wickedly.

Face inches from Kili’s crotch, Fili looked up and grinned. _“You._ ”

                                                                                                         

 

“What do you think about these jeans? Kind of expensive but they [make my ass look nice I think…](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z7fV-wB2z8)” Kili spun around and stuck his butt out, staring at himself in the dressing room mirror. Fili was sitting across from him, watching as he changed and tried out new clothes. He casually crossed his legs when Kili bent over to pick the hanger up off the ground.

“Nice,” Fili hummed. “Very nice.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll get ‘em.” Kili said as he began tugging them off. As he folded them up and placed them back on their hanger, Fili slid up behind him and wrapped his arms around Kili’s waist.

Kili had no choice but to look up at him through the mirror. Fili was grinning maniacally, his hands snaking lower and lower until they were at the elastic of his Christmas-patterned boxers.

“Fil, what the fuck are you doing?” Kili hissed. His head jerked to the side to speak to the blond, but his eyes stayed glued to the mirror, both watching and feeling as Fili’s hand slipped into his underoos and grabbed a hold of his limp prick.

“Yikes!” Kili hissed, jumping slightly. “Your hand is fucking freezing dude, Jaysus,”

Fili apologized, but didn’t let up. Instead, he stepped ever closer to Kili, pressing his hips and his half-hard dick along with it up against Kili’s ass. He brought his face close to Kili’s neck, then bit down right between the throat and his shoulder.

“ _Oohh…_ ” Kili sighed, his eyes nearly sliding shut.

“Yeah, ‘ _oh_ ’.” Fili sniggered, continuing licking and sucking on Kili’s neck.

Kili had to hold himself up against the dressing room mirror as Fili jacked him off. They tried to remain alert in case they were caught by store security. Unfortunately, Kili was blind and deaf in the white out of his orgasm. Mall security swung open the door, horrifying the boys. Kili tripped over to put his own pants back on, then he and Fili fled from the scene of the crime. All in all, being chased out and banned from the shop wasn’t too bad a punishment in the end.

 

                                                                                                             

 

Kili hated his job. He absolutely  _hated_  it. The worst part was his asshole boss, who scammed customers out of money and enjoyed degrading his employees. He was a cheap jerk who liked to cut corners to save money, forcing his employees to spend their own money to deliver pizzas.

Until now.

It was the middle of the night, and the boys had been walking out together to get some Chinese takeout when they passed by Kili’s work and saw the car.

"Look at this shit!” Kili sneered. He gestured at the vehicle. “Bastard says he can’t afford us more labor hours but look at this! A brand new delivery car!”

He shoved his hands in his pocket angrily, kicking at the sidewalk. Then he stood up straight and pulled his right hand back out of the pocket, surprise written across his face as he stared at the keys dangling from his fingers.

“Oh, I forgot to give these back.” he said, shocked. He looked over at Fili, and they shared a look. Kili raised his arm and unlocked the car with the remote. It beeped once, making Fili jump, but right as he attempted to take a few steps away from the horrible metal beast, Kili hooked their arms together and dragged him over.

Kili went ahead and plopped into the driver’s seat, using the overhead light to look into his carton of Chinese food. Fili hesitatingly slid into the passenger’s seat, grabbing his own food from the bag. They ate quietly as they listened to the quiet [lull of the radio](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FufL80hJsP8), Kili laying slouched in his seat half out of the car, his one foot not quite touching the ground below.

When he finished, Kili turned completely in and shut the door behind him. He stared at Fili, who was digging around in what was left of his noodles for any more beef.

“You got the lighter?” Kili asked. Fili hummed and nodded as he swallowed a mouthful of noodles, still scavenging. After a few more seconds, he grimaced and closed up the box with the disposable fork inside and set it on the dash. Then he awkwardly stuck a hand into the pocket of his cargo shorts (the longest he’d willingly wear) and dug around for a few seconds before pulling out a transparent green BIC lighter. He handed it over to Kili, who was messing about with a tiny sandwich baggie of weed.

They lit up and sat in a tranquil state, hotboxing themselves in the vehicle for several long minutes. Then they were kissing. Slowly and passionately, leaning over the gearstick to reach each other, one of Fili’s hand cupping Kili’s face. Next, Kili was fumbling to climb into Fili’s lap, bruising his knees and elbows in the process. He was soon grinding his hips down onto Fili’s as they sucked each other’s face. The recliner lever was pulled, they both panicked as they flew down with the seat, and then Kili was crawling across Fili to the back seat, his furred stomach where his shirt had ridden up brushing Fili’s nose along the way. Fili rolled onto his stomach then up onto his elbows so he could follow Kili. And then--

 _“You take what I give you!”_ Fili hissed, pinning Kili face down into the cushy seat. Kili’s face was resting in the crook of his elbow and he clawed at the seat as Fili brutally snapped his hips against Kili, fucking him into the back seat of his boss’ new company delivery car.

“I want it all, Fi! Give me all you got, please!” Kili pleaded, hand smacking onto the smoky and foggy window as he tried to find purchase in the shaking car. His hand slipped down from the moisture and with the addition of Fili pounding into him, he flew forward and slammed his face brutally into the window.

Fili stopped when he heard Kili’s wail of pain and lay across his back and peaked over his shoulder to check if he was okay, but the movement made Kili let out a low groan of both pain and pleasure. “You okay?”

“Keep going.” Kili grunted.

“What?? You sure, you hit the glass really hard,” Fili said.

“Yes, _yes,_ keep going, your dick is helping, just keep go- _ohhhh_ yeah…”

 

                                                                                                

 

“Hell no we won’t go!”

“Keep our oceans clean!”

“No crabs!”

“Save the fishes!”

“Keep our waters pure!”

“Free the bitches!”

“Free the beaches!”

“Save whales, ride mermaids!”

“Fucking recycle!”

 

Kili stood in the middle of the sidewalk, a grocery bag held slack in his hand as he watched the aquatic protest across the street. It was in front of the City Hall, and Kili was mildly surprised to find Fili a part of it. He watched his enraged boyfriend furiously swing his picket sign around erratically, way out of beat with the rest of the protesters. Fili seemed to only have a bare minimum knowledge of what he was involved in, which was ‘save the ocean’ and was an understandable cause for him (though he was screaming about crabs and his sign read ‘keep the whales happy’), but he was certainly spirited about it. Kili found it oddly arousing to see him so riled up.

He spun around and spotted a bench, quickly taking advantage of that by plopping his ass down right in the center, spreading his legs wide to give his cajones some breathing room. He flung his arms back behind him and proceeded to watch Fili flail around. With the blond in his form-fitting black tee showing off his biceps beautifully, and his voice so gruff and surly, Kili had to sit up straight and cross his legs not too long after.

Fifteen minutes later, the cops came and began dispersing the crowd. Fili dropped his sign and bailed, sprinting across the street through traffic.

[“If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball!”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-OvGYHHbSU) Kili couldn’t help but yell. This got Fili’s attention, and he swerved and began rushing at Kili.

“What?” he shouted back.

“Nothing, just a reference to a movie we’ll be watching later,” Kili explained. Fili reached the other side of the road and launched himself over the back of the bench, lying flat on the ground until all the cops left and Kili stopped laughing and sitting on him.

“So, a protest, hm?” Kili asked as Fili brushed the dust off himself.

“Mmm, yeah,” Fili nodded. “I was walking to get snacks at store and they find me, so I help with them,” he explained.

“You were pretty damn passionate about it, that’s for sure.” Kili smiled, tugging on a braid in Fili’s hair. Fili smacked his hand away.

“Well, duh. I hate fucking crabs.” he agreed offhandedly. Kili just chortled, then he took a step forward and grabbed Fili’s chin, capturing his mouth in a heated kiss. Fili didn’t argue, just let out a confused hum and went with the flow. When Kili released him, he looked around for somewhere, anywhere they could get a bit freaky. Then he spotted it. Perfect. [A car drove by with music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXOIRLPVLcs) screaming out the windows at top volume as Kili dragged Fili over to the blue porta-potty, threw open the door (and blessed Mahal that there was no one in there) and shoved Fili in.

“Oh, gross, what?” he heard Fili ask. He didn’t reply, instead shoving him to one side wall and quickly untying the drawstrings on his cargo capris, and yanking them down to his thighs. Then Kili stopped.

“Hm, wait, I want to suck you off, and I’m not kneeling on the floor of this thing. Here, stand up on the seat.” he told Fili, pushing him over.

“What?!” Fili yelped as he stepped up. He had to stand awkwardly to avoid smacking his head on the ceiling, and it was a very real danger of slipping into the filthy toilet. Kili couldn’t even finish getting him off. They both agreed that this was an awful idea and that the stench was way too overwhelming for both of them. They put themselves away and set themselves up to leave quietly with their heads down. But then Kili glanced behind him.

“Oh shit Fili don’t look--”

“Look what?” Fili immediately turned and followed Kili’s gaze. He immediately leapt into a combative yet defensive stance, which was quite hard in such an enclosed space. A crab had clawed its way out of the toilet and was sitting on the toilet seat. “NO!” Fili shouted. “NO MAHAL PLEASE NO! _NO!_ [NOOOOOOO!](https://youtu.be/6w0jakILepk?t=16)”

Kili threw an arm across Fili’s chest, holding him back. “Don’t start anything-- JESUS FUCK!”

The crab launched itself through the air at them, and Fili slipped and fell to the floor. Kili instinctively tried to jump out of the way. Instead, he hit the wall hard enough to send the porta-potty to the ground, sending unpleasant substances everywhere and on everything.

“Oh Mahal!” Fili yelped. He punched open the door and flung himself out onto the tarmac, Kili following with a gazelle-like leap. His foot got caught on the doorway and he slammed brutally onto the road. Fili skittered out of the porta-potty on his hands and knees. “This is what you mean get crabs from sexy times!?” he asked hysterically.

Kili, now on his feet, grabbed Fili by his bicep to drag him up. His knees and face were all scraped up, but for now he ignored the pain. “Not at all, just fucking run!”

 

                                                                                                 

 

Kili looked up when Fili finally showed up with their drinks and popcorn and sat down next to him. Immediately Kili grabbed a handful and munched away.

“This is a real weird-ass movie, but you might like it. It’s good to get exposed to pop culture references no matter how obscure so you’ll be a lot less confused.” he said through a mouthful of mush. Fili nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, sure. What’s it about?”

“Um… aliens?”

 

Taking Fili to see Rocky Horror Picture Show would later prove to be a mess of an idea. No one had ever told Kili about what went on at live shows, how could he have possibly known the disaster he had brought his fish to? When he saw that it would be playing live in theaters, he figure'd it be a nice day out for the two of them. Almost immediately masses of drunk and high people poured into the theater, singing and shouting and acting out.

“Ugh, hope these assholes aren’t like this the entire show,” Kili groaned. Fili just smiled and accepted a joint from a stranger walking by.

"No I can like this." Fili nodded.

The movie started, and everyone started screaming. People began throwing rice at the screen, and Fili was head over heels confused.

“Why rice?” he asked the person next to him, almost having to shout to be heard.

“Why rice!? What d’you mean, _why rice_? You’ve been to one of these before, right?!”

“What? No! Never!”

The glitter-covered, crossdressing man next to them gasped loudly and he clutched his chest.

“What about you?!” he asked Kili. Kili nodded wildly.

“Yeah I come to these all the time!” he lied. Fili glared at him. The man took a deep breath.

 **“VIRGIN! WE HAVE A VIRGIN RIGHT HERE!! VIRGINNNNNN!!!”** He screamed at the top of his lungs. The boys jumped back.

“What? No, no, defnitly not this at all.” Fili tried to explain. “ _Really_ , defnitly havin’ lotsa sexy sexy.”

The entire theater fell silent except for the movie. The man jumped up and pointed at them.

 **“VIRGIN!!”** He screeched. Then suddenly, Fili was being pulled to his feet and dragged to the front. Glitter and rice was thrown at him, and he was squirted with water guns and there was a flying silicon dildo or two soaring through the air. Lipstick was put on Fili very messily while the crowd chanted ‘virgin! virgin! virgin!’ over and over. He was hoisted into the air and spun around tossed a few times.

Kili was quite worried for a while, until he noticed that Fili seemed to actually be having the time of his life. Then he sat back, grabbed a passing drink and continued munching on his popcorn. Yup, Fili was definitely getting exposed to some pop culture.

It took ages for Fili to make it back to his seat next to Kili. When he tried, the [Time Warp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkplPbd2f60) had just started up. He was nabbed by a stranger (as was Kili) and clumsily shown how to follow the dance. When he was having a bit of trouble with it, his hips were grabbed and he was shown the way properly.

He spun around several times and stumbled over his feet and smoked passing joints and drank passing beers before finally plopping back down next to Kili. He stared fiercely into Kili’s eyes for exactly twenty-seven seconds, and then suddenly there was [a hand in Kili’s pants](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRiZRMLGjCY). Luckily, it was actually Fili’s. So Kili put his hand in Fili’s. They were being as discreet as possible, so it seemed, but somewhere in the back of Kili’s blitzed mind he was sure it was actually, much, much more obvious and no one was bothering them out of embarrassment for them. He was perfectly fine with that.

After the show, it was decided that they were far too drunk to get all the way to either one of their apartments. Fili shot a quick, incoherent text off to Lindir that they were coming over.

                                                                                                      

 

[Thorin let out a long breath](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUmq1cpcglQ) through his nose as he stood in front of the body-length mirror, straightening his tie. He pulled his hair back into a simple but neat seahorse-tail, and buttoned his cuffs. He had to be here today, for a meeting among leaders. It was a quarterly meeting that they all had, and Thorin knew it’d be a good time to bring up his issues.

He left his hotel room and hailed a cab to take him down to the conference hall. The meeting itself was quite dull, with other matters being brought forward first, including Thorin’s worry over his ocean’s pollution levels, and his missing heir. With promises that they’d have all their men on the lookout, the meeting was adjourned.

The room steadily emptied until all that was left was Thorin and a couple of bodies standing by the doorway, giggling at something one was showing the other on his phone. As Thorin walked by, he glanced over the one’s shoulder to the screen-- then halted in his tracks. His heart skipped a beat.

“What is that?” Thorin asked hurriedly. The men looked up at him, down at his legs (though they couldn’t see the scales there, they knew they were there (and had been sworn to secrecy because of them)) then at each other.

“It’s a phone?” one asked nervously.

“I know it is a phone.” growled Thorin, “I mean what are you watching? What is that! Where did you find it!”

The men’s scared faces morphed into both amusement and relief.

“Oh, man, here,” the phone was handed to Thorin, “it’s a Vine, these six second videos people make and upload. Lots of them are sooo funny, especially this guy. He posts all this random-ass shit of him and his boyfriend and they’re so good!”

Thorin watched the video loop over and over and over again, a myriad of emotions running through him. That little _fucker_.

 

                                                                                                       

 

The boys appeared on the stoop of Lindir’s apartment within an hour of leaving the theater. Fili didn’t let Kili knock, and instead unlocked the door and let themselves in.

Lindir was lying stretched out on his couch, idly playing a video game in the dark. He sat up when his door opened and watched displeased as they made themselves at home, ignoring the mess of lipstick on Fili’s face and their combined stench.

“I don’t mind if you stay the night tonight, just try and maybe leave before I leave for work tomorrow morning. My step-father is coming to visit and you know how he feels about you.”

Fili and Kili looked at each other, shrugged and nodded.

“Yeah, yeah, not a problem.” they told him.

The next morning, Fili was woken up by an odd feeling that he hadn’t experienced since he was living back in Erebor and sneaking around with--

“Geran?” he called out quietly, suddenly back in Geran’s hidden back-alley grotto.

When he turned his head to the side and opened his eyes, it wasn’t his old lover that was dry-humping his leg, it was Kili.

“Kili? Wake up! We’re sleeping in Lindir’s bed! How did we get here!?” he shook the brunet forcefully, trying to get him to wake and hopefully stop trying to fuck his leg.

“Wha--?” Kili flopped over onto his back groggily and sat up on his elbows. “Whose bed is this?”

“Lindir’s! Oh I got l-lisptick all over the sheets oh no,”

“How d’you know _that_ ? _Shit_ you got lipstick all over my dick too, damn.” Kili held up the bed sheet and stared at his crotch. 

“Same way I know what yo Mama’s bed looks like. How did we get in Linda’s bed? I don’t rember anything.” Fili’s brows scrunched together.

Kili ran a hand through his hair. “Shit, I don’t know. What time is it? Didn’t we tell him we would be gone by the time he got back from work?”

“Uuuugh, yeah, I think so.” Fili reached over and grabbed the digital clock and stared at it. Then he turned and shoved it in Kili’s face. “What does this say!”

“It’s almost two, Jesus! He’ll definitely be back by now, don’t you think?”

The distinct sound of the front door be unlocked and opened rang out through the silent apartment.

“ _He’s back!”_ Fili hissed. He turned and tried to roll out of bed and onto the ground, but Kili stopped him.

_“He’ll hear you hit the ground! Just play possum!”_

_“What??”_

_“Play possum!”_

_“What hell is possim?”_

_“_ **_Play dead!!_ ** _”_

Kili threw the sheet over their heads, covering them completely, and they lay there, frozen to the core. Lindir walked around the other half of his apartment, putting things away, getting himself something to eat, turning on the television.

When he came into the bedroom to change, the boys nearly died of fright right then and there.

‘Don’t even breath!’ Kili mouthed to Fili.

‘What?’

‘I said don’t breath!’

‘I don’t wanna breath ennyway, yo’ breath is stank!’

Kili’s face scrunched up in faux shock and hurt.

‘It’s morning breath!’ he mouthed, ‘you don’t hear me complaining when your breath smells like fish all the damn time!’

They continued pulling faces, poking and jabbing each other while trying to be as completely still as possible.

Half an hour later, Lindir grabbed his keys again and left. Five minutes passed before Fili and Kili finally sucked in huge, loud breaths and flopped out of the bed.

“Oh Mahal, okay, okay, we need to hell outta here.” Fili clutched his chest in horror. “Findyer pants and let’s go.” he waved Kili away as he caught his breath.

“What about yours?”  
  
“I dun’t care. I just wanna leave.”

Kili walked away and into the bathroom, locking himself in to do his business, while Fili walked out into the living room.

[The front door opened.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhIs1k8yuPU)

Lindir walked back in with a small bag of snacks.

He and Fili, wearing nothing but his boxers, stared at each other.

“Um.” Lindir said. “You’re… still here?”

“No! Not still here!” Fili frantically shook his head. “I came back!”

“Why?! My dad will be here any second now!”

“I… forgo-ot... mmmy clothes!” Fili slowly nodded, hoping Lindir would believe him.

“Um. Alright. Kili… still isn’t-- I mean, he didn’t come back looking for his clothes either, right?”

“No! No he is not here, Kili is gone, doing pizza thing. Kili is not here.”

Lindir just nodded and went into the kitchen to put away his things, just as the bathroom door swung open. Fili’s head whipped towards Kili, his eyes as wide as saucers as he shook his head frantically. Kili went to close the door again but Fili gestured wildly with his arms to stop him and beckon him out, because he knew Lindir had an odd habit of running errands then immediately going to the bathroom afterwards.

Kili took a step out of the bathroom, confused as to where he could possible go now. Hearing Lindir’s ever-nearing footsteps Kili panicked and near-silently climbed into the dryer resting in the closet right next to the bathroom. Fili rushed over and slammed the dryer door shut right as Lindir walked over.

“Nope! Not in the dryer!” Fili yelped, his voice an octave higher than normal. “I shall check in the refrigerator, shan’t I? Just in case! You never know when several articles of clothing may find their ways into… queer locations!”

Lindir stopped and stared at him. He squinted his eyes.

“I don’t remember seeing anything in there, and it’s pretty empty, but… it’s been a long day. I may have missed it,” he said, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him.

Fili yanked open the dryer and Kili tumbled out. He rushed to his feet and they both sprinted towards the exit. The bathroom door opened and Fili shoved Kili roughly into the kitchen at the exact moment that Lindir strolled back out. Fili stopped and watched him as he plopped onto his couch, mind blank. Then Lindir noticed him and began staring back.

“So… no luck, then?” he asked.

Fili’s gaze slid over to the opposite wall. He raised his arm and pointed at it, then shouted in horror. Lindir jumped and turned to see what was there. Fili tugged at Kili’s arm and they sprinted out the front door, slamming it behind them. They ran and ran and ran all the way to the parking lot where they hid behind in a building.

After a minute of catching their breaths with their hands on their knees, Kili’s face scrunched up in confusion.

“Why did we do that? That was horrible, we could’ve just done the walk of shame. That was way more complicated than it should have been!”

“Yeah why did we do it? Stupid…”

                                                                                                        

 

“What do you mean your pee is _yellow_? Pee is kind of supposed to be yellow…” Kili said through the bathroom door.

“No, mines in’t a color!”

Kili sighed and lay his head against the door.

“Okay, well… I don’t know what to do about the pee, and Mom’s at work. What else did you say is wrong?”

“My head hurts and my skin is dry and my lips is dry and-- I just found a lotion, so just my head and tummek now.”

“Alright so hurry up and put your dick away and we’ll find some ibuprofen for you or something.”

 

It was late Monday morning, and Kili and Fili were at Dis’ home. They had just spent the entire weekend on a bender with Bard, Gimli, Legolas and the El twins (Elladan and Elrohir). All seven of them were cooped up in Gimli’s small bedroom, ingesting nothing but soda, booze, weed and Doritos and doing nothing but playing competitive video games. Afterwards they all showed up to Dis’ home for some proper breakfast before leaving Fili and Kili there to clean up the mess, like true friends do.

Fili slunk out of the bathroom, grimacing. He was a little pale, which worried Kili.

After checking behind the bathroom mirror and finding nothing, Kili brought Fili to his mother’s room to search for some pain medicine. Fili sat on her bed while Kili rifled through her dresser.

He spotted a round, white object and grabbed it, sure it was a bottle of ibuprofen. When he pulled it out, it definitely wasn’t that at all. It was a large plastic rod of sorts with a large rounded head. It read up the side in shiny, silver text, [Hitachi Magic Wand.](http://magicwandoriginal.com/)

“Huh.” he said. Fili stood up and walked over to stand next to him.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I dunno…” Kili said. He found a switch and flipped it on. The device began buzzing intensely, startling the boys.

“Oh you know what? I think it’s a back massager. Maybe we can use it on your stomach and your face!” Kili grinned, proud of himself. Fili smiled and nodded.

“Yeah! I will lay on the comfy couch out there.” he said, floating out of the room in much higher spirits. When Kili arrived out in the living room, Fili was already splayed out on his back on Dis’ pleather sofa. Kili walked up, switched on the _Hitachi Magic Wand_ and prodded Fili’s face with it. His face scrunched up and he laughed, shooing it away.

“No, jellyfish! Give it here I will do it right.” he reached out and grabbed the magic wand and shoved his shirt up to his pecs. He placed the device on his stomach and let it rip. “ _Ooohhhh_ dang.”

Kili stood and watched as Fili moved the device all over his stomach, sighing contentedly.

“That feel good?” he asked. He grabbed his phone and pulled up a search on the gadget.

Fili nodded. “Oh yeah. Way go-- what-- _ohhh…_ ”

Kili stared at him, confused, as Fili kept the magic wand rested just below his bellybutton and pointed directly at his crotch. He looked back at his phone and read the article he pulled up. The color drained from his face, and realization [smacked Kili in the face](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9SSOWORzw4) like a Grizzly bear trying to catch a flying salmon jumping upstream. His eyes flicked down to Fili’s boner, and pursed his lips.

“Oookay that’s enough, you’re obviously feeling better.” he said, pulling the device out of Fili’s hands with his thumb and forefinger and flinging it across the room. It hit the wall loudly, split in half and clattered on the floor. He looked back at Fili. “Do not ever touch that ever again. In fact, you probably want to take a long hot shower, right now.”

Fili scrunched up his face and he sat up.

“Why?” he asked. Kili frantically shook his head.

“No reason! Just get in the shower, because I’m not touching you until you’re clean either!”

Fili sighed and rolled his eyes, but slunk off into the bathroom.

Forty-five minutes later, Kili banged on the bathroom door. “Heyyyy, you done yet? I want to go home!”  
  
The door swung open and steam billowed out, making Fili invisible. When it dispersed, Fili stretched and sighed happily, his towel hanging low on his hips.

“Aaah, I feel soooo much goodit now. I needed water, duh. We not’nt have _any_ water all this days, ugh, make me feel as shit.” he groaned. He plodded forward and engulfed Kili in a bear hug, feeling very affectionate.

“Ohhh you’re still hard, alright that’s--” Kili stepped back, but Fili pressed up against him and stole a kiss. Kili kept trying to pull away, but Fili unleashed a torrent of butterfly kisses all over his face while saying “Mwah!” over and over and over. Kili’s resolve didn’t last long. He picked Fili up, who wrapped his legs around him in return, and carried him back over to the couch. They lay there, making out for several minutes. Things began to escalate with Kili undoing his belt buckle, but then a neighbor's car door slammed shut loudly, startling the boys back to Earth. After a few seconds, Fili grabbed his face and tried to smooch him again, but Kili stopped him.

“Wait, we can’t do this here!” he gasped.

“Why?!” Fili whined.

“This is my _mom’s_ house! I’m not fuckin’ in my mom’s house!”

“Uuuggghh, she’s not here! We clean up after, [it is fine!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FnLhs5VFCNw)”

“No it’s not fine!” Kili jumped up and fixed up his belt.

Fili sat up on his elbows. “Wait what about your room? It is Mom’s house, yes, but your room is _your_ room.” he argued.

Kili looked away and considered it.

“Hmm… alright, yeah that’s true. Plus it’s not like I didn’t-- well I masturbated in there pretty much every day for like eight years, so yeah I guess… okay yeah, let’s go, get your ass in my childhood bedroom,” he conceded, sweeping his arm in the direction.

Laying in Kili’s pirate ship bed, they picked up where they left off. From beneath Fili, Kili groped his ass and ground his hips up. Fili accidentally yanked on Kili’s hair, making him yelp, twice when he tried to run his hand through the brown locks which were far too tangled to be healthy. Fili bit and sucked and licked and hoovered several hickies onto Kili’s neck and torso, then several minutes later Kili lost a dominance struggle. He allowed Fili to continue attacking him with his mouth, letting his eyes fall shut and his head fall to the side. His old pillow was as musty as the rest of the room, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

When he opened his eyes again, he shouted out in horror and sat up in a hurry. His skull cracked against Fili’s and they both yelled in pain, but that didn’t deter Kili in the least. He scrambled out of bed and grabbed the pillow by the ends, slamming it against the wall like a midget that owes you money.

“Kili what are you doing?!”

“There is a fucking huge-ass spider on my pillow and that is unacceptable, I am not living with a-- _”_ Kili hissed. He stopped suddenly and held up a hand. “Wait. Do you hear that?”  
  
“ _Kili? I’m home! What is-- Kili, why is my_ vibrator _out here? What were you doing with it!? And this mess! Kili the kitchen is filthy!! Get out here right now and clean this up!! Kili!!”_ Dis shouted from the living room.

“Abort! Abort!” Kili hissed at Fili. He ran over to the window and pried it open, making small noises of disgust as he tried to avoid all the dead flies. “Damn spider not even doing it’s job, living here without paying rent that little shit,” he grumbled, one leg already out the window.

“Well you killed him, so…” Fili said, following him. They climbed out the window and ran off as quietly as they could, though Dis stood and watched them with her hands on her hips from the front window. She huffed and stomped away to clean up.

 

                                                                                                         

 

Kili unlocked the door and tried to open it, but found that it required a lot more effort than he was used to. Peeking in, he found that it was because of pizza and Chinese takeout boxes. An unreal amount of them, stacked high to the ceiling it almost seemed. He had been gone for only two weeks! And the _smell_. Had Fili washed himself at all? The lights were off, but he could see the light of the television flickering across the back wall.

“Fili?” he called out, trying to stick his face far enough in to look around. “Fili?? You here? I can hear the TV, I know you are. You’re binge watching Mad Men without me again, Fili let me in!”

There was no reply. Kili sighed and rolled his eyes, then leaned his weight against the door until it slid open enough for him to get in. He pushed his way in and dropped his backpack onto the disgusting, filth covered kitchen counter.

[Fili was plastered to his sofa](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BmEGm-mraE), looking like a grease stain.

His oily hair was framing his scraggly beard, he was wearing a stained white t-shirt and horrible grey sweatpants. Kili walked up behind him with a hair-filled brush he found in the fridge and began stroking the blonde's hair, trying to be gentle with all the horrible knots. It seemed not to matter how hard he tried, because Fili hissed and screeched at him, terrifying Kili to his core. He pulled the hair up into a loose bun as quick as possible then slid onto the couch next to Fili. This seemed to upset Fili slightly, whose brows pinched together minutely.

“Hey, man, you alright?” Kili asked, putting his hand on his shoulder. Fili hissed again and pulled away.

“I’m fine!” he snapped.

Kili pulled away, face scrunched up in displeasure. Then he lit up when he remembered the gift he bought Fili while on his vacation.

“I got you something!” he said, jumping up and rushing to his bag. He brought it back over to the couch and dug around in it until he found it: a [seahorse-shaped glass pipe](http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0644/1287/products/burning_glass_sealife_piece_seahorse_pipe._500.00.jpg?v=1411424965) and a couple of[pairs](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/138802406/2016-01-09_19-34-07.png) of [sunglasses](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/138802406/2016-01-09_19-35-21.png) decorated with a little pineapple pattern

He held them out hopefully to Fili, smiling brightly. Fili sneered and smacked Kili’s hand away. Kili watched in horror as the bong flew threw the air, bounced off the sliding glass door and clattered to the floor. Gasping loudly, Kili leapt up and dropped the sunglasses, hurrying over to it, sliding up on his knees. He clutched his chest in relief when he picked the bong up and discovered that it couldn’t have been in any better condition. He was told by the merchant that it was indestructible, but Kili knew that they would do anything to get a sale. It was the arcadian door that actually had a ding in it, but at this point Fili’s down payment would be long gone.

“I don’t want this!” Fili shouted, now on his feet.

“What the fuck, Fili! What the hell is wrong with you, why are you being such a crabby bitch today? We discussed that I would be going--”

“What you just call me?” Fili’s voice went an octave higher. Then it dropped to a dangerous whisper. “You call me _crab?_ _I am not crab._ You are horrible, horrible crab. **_I hate you!!_** ” he shouted.

“Fili! What the fuck, man! What the hell?!” Kili watched as Fili grabbed his own backpack and left the apartment, completely confused. Then realization hit him, and he looked over at the ‘Beach Babes in the Big City’ calendar hanging on the wall by a single thumbtack that Bard gifted them.

There was a big red circle around one of the days; Fili’s moon day. They still had a few days to go until then, but Fili was always still somewhat moody leading up to it. That explained all the takeout. Those weren’t from the past two weeks, Fili had eaten all that in the last four days!

Kili sighed and clambered onto the nasty old couch to pick up where Fili left off in [Mad Men](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcRr-Fb5xQo), not worrying himself over the blond. Fili would be back. He left his phone, and Fili was a preteen girl when it came to that thing.

 

-x-

 

Fili was having the time of his life, while Kili’s flashed before his eyes. Was it a good idea to bring Fili to [Joe’s Crab Shack](http://krnb.com/kj-midday/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2015/11/joes.jpg)? Probably not. But Kili couldn’t think of any other way for Fili to forgive him after calling him a crabby bitch the other day, and still get sex. He very carefully reached over to the center of the table, No Man’s Land, and tried to get a cheese biscuit from the delicately covered basket. Across the table, Fili had violently stabbed one of his steam-cooked king crabs with two of the plastic meat pickers provided to them, then manually ripped the creature apart. Bits of shell shrapnel flew past Kili’s face, petrifying him. Fili sucked the meat out of the legs, the resulting moans of pleasure far more erotic than Kili had ever heard him make in bed. He was almost certain that his dick was filled with so much terror it was remaining erect.

While it was certainly arousing to watch Fili be so emotionally invested on annihilating the crabs in front of him, it was also a huge reminder to Kili that Fili was in all actuality a dangerous animal, and could seriously hurt him if he so desired.

Fili finished one crab, then moved onto the next. His face got real close to it, then he began hissing nasty things to it in his native language. He had wanted to do the killing himself, when he was told to pick from the tank, but was almost thrown out when he asked.

After he finished talking shit to the dead crustacean, he gnawed it open and munched away, indifferent to bits of crab and shell on his face and bib. To the garlic butter dribbling down his mouth and into his beard. Kili delicately picked at his butterflied lobster, then reached into the bucket of ice in the center of the table and grabbed a bottle of beer. As he opened it, he accidentally ripped open his knuckle causing him to hiss out in pain.

Fili froze and looked up. “Are you okay?” he asked, worried.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit of a cut. You can go back to your-- um, eating, I’ll be right back.” Kili slid out of his booth seat just in time to run into one of the tie-dye wearing waitresses. They apologized to each other and Kili left to the bathroom. Fili sat back and watched as all the [wait crew began](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLc5Xo2uvPI) doing the [Cha-Cha Slide](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIdLRftdrH8), a beer in one hand and a crab leg in the other. He let his vision glaze over in euphoria, a small smile on his face.

When they finally left the restaurant three hours, four king crabs, seven beers and three trash buckets later. Fili sauntered out covered completely in merchandise.

“I is eating here all day erry day now, you can’t stop me.” he declared.

“Shit, man, do what you want but I sure as fuck am not paying for you again. How the fuck did you even stomach that much food? Yikes!”

 

-x-

 

Fili’s wrists and ankles were tied to Kili’s bedposts, he was wearing only a pair of tiny black underoos, and he was hissing, spitting and struggling to get free. It was his moon day. Kili walked into the room and threw off this bath robe, revealing nothing underneath.

“You ready?” he asked. Fili let out a low growl and continue struggling.

It was something that had been thoroughly discussed by them before until they finally came to an agreement: On Fili’s next moon day, they’d bang and see what it was like. First, around noon, Fili allowed Kili to tie him to the bed. He fell asleep for a few hours, then made Kili read him his favorite Shakespeare play for another couple of hours.

Kili went and got them some food after that and fed Fili french fries two by two, getting ketchup and mustard all over his face. Then Kili sat next to him, and they just talked peacefully with each other. Eventually Kili fell asleep on Fili, and when he woke up, the sun was down and Fili was in full siren mode. So Kili got up and went into the bathroom to prepare himself.

“So yeah, then. Ready?” he asked Fili, who was letting out otherworldly shrieks and wails and tugging at the old ties that used to belong to Kili’s father, but were now keeping Fili in place.

Fili struggled at his restraints and hissed. Without another word, Kili climbed back onto the bed, straddled Fili [and sat on his cock.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mViDVZLFUyI)

Kili let his head fall back, and he groaned. Fili went from growling in anger to making absolutely no noise at all.

“Fili, you good?” Kili asked him. Fili responded by wiggling his hips. Kili’s face scrunched up in pleasure. “Okay you good. I can’t believe I’m about to be fucked by the [creature of the black lagoon](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/55/Creature_from_the_Black_Lagoon_poster.jpg).”

Then he commenced his sexy routine of wiggling and humping and bumping and bouncing for several long minutes, with Kili only losing balance and falling forward onto Fili’s chest six times. Moving frantically around on top of someone without much to hold on proved to be a lot harder than he thought. Any time he tried to put his hands on Fili’s sweaty chest, he would slip forward and smack his face instead.

He noticed and found out too late that Fili got one of his arms free. A clawed hand carved its way down Kili’s back, definitely drawing blood. In the heat of the moment though, Kili was turned on by the pain. Soon enough, he was covered in small nicks, scratches and bite marks, and was on his back as the Gill-man pounded into him, a vice grip on his hair. They slipped, slid and jizzed all over the place. Fili came a whole forty-nine seconds after Kili, and when he did he relaxed on Kili.

Kili lay in bliss, grinning like a fool. He was brought back down to Earth when Fili began twitching every second or so. Fili was going through his post-coital bout of hiccups, something Kili always found endearing. He rubbed Fili’s back gently.

“Good to know you’re still in there somewhere, that you’re still my swamp homie.”

                                                                                               

 

[“PIKE!”](http://dnr.wi.gov/topic/fishing/images/species/northernpike1.jpg)

Fili flew through the air and hit the volleyball ferociously, grinning as it shot past the net and into the other team. They struggled to recover and get the ball back over, but when they did, Fili sprinted over and shoved Galadriel out of the way to punch the ball. She stumbled and tripped over herself and hit the sand hard. She got back up and passed the ball back over to Aragorn. Tauriel ran up next to Fili and bumped him out of the way with her impressive hips to get the ball. It slipped slightly out of her hands but Fili was there to catch it and smack it to the other side. Their team cheered when Figwit failed to catch it, winning them the match.

Tauriel, Arwen, Galadriel and Sigrid all surrounded Fili and hugged him, patted him on the back, slapped his butt and congratulated him. Fili just smiled and relished in being hugged by a handful of bikini-clad women. He looked up and over to Kili, who was tanning on a beach towel several yards away. Kili propped himself up on his elbows, and they waved at each other, and Fili broke away from the women and jogged over.

He fell heavily onto his knees on his own towel as Kili lay back down, then fell forward onto his stomach, staring at Kili.

“I winned the game,” he boasted.

“Won.” Kili corrected.

“I wunned this game.”

“Yyyup, I saw. You know what else I saw?”  
  
“Arwen’s boobie fall out of her top? I saw it too and it was niiiiiiiiiice!”  
  
Kili sat back up and looked over at the ladies. “What! No I didn’t see that, shit!”

“Ha ha loser!”

They both lay relaxed on their backs, sunglasses on, arms crossed, for several quiet minutes.

“Not going to lie, sometimes I wish you had some nice squishy boobs.” Kili said.

“Yeah me too. You will look real good with boobies.”

Kili sat up on his elbows and propped his sunglasses on his head. “Could you imagine though? If either of us had big bazungas?”

“Duuuuuuuuuuude!” they yelled in sync, staring at each other like they had made a meaningful discovery. Their faces fell.

“But… this is good. What we have.” Kili said.

“It is good.” Fili nodded.

“We don’t have boobs, but we have dicks. And I like my dick. I like _your_ dick, it’s pretty great.”

“Yes, my dick is good.”

“I’m glad we agree.”

They lay back down for a few minutes.

Fili sat back up. “You wanna bang under the wood reef?”

Kili jumped up. “A-bso-lutely.”

They grabbed their stuff and hurried down underneath the pier, only to be greeted by several [lobsters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4QSYx4wVQg), hobos, barnacles and litter. They watched as one of the hobos masturbated against one of the columns.

“We are not fucking here.”  Kili said quickly, and they turned and left to search for a much better place to do the deed.  
  
They ended up building a few sandcastles and getting bars of ice cream while waiting for a family of four to leave the biggest changing tent. In the meantime, a giant pelican swooped by and gulped up Fili’s chocolate fudge bar right from his hands. Both the boys grabbed handfuls of their hair, but their emotional reactions were far from the same. When the changing tent finally became available, Kili pulled a devastated Fili to his feet and dragged him over to it.

They hurried inside and to the best of their abilities blocked the doorway. Twenty seconds of Fili’s mouth on Kili’s cock and the wind outside had grown strong enough to blow away the tent. Fili minded less about being banned from that particular beach (because of the invading crab population) than his stolen ice cream.

                                                                                                 

 

“You’ve been living here for like a year and a half, how have you not seen fireworks before? There are like twenty-six different American holidays that use fireworks and then some!” Kili was flabbergasted at finding out that Fili had never witnessed the splendor of fireworks. It was lucky that they were sitting on the carpeted floor of Dis’ living room playing video games, waiting for the sun to set on the Fourth of July.

Fili shrugged and shook his head, focusing on the game he was playing. “I’m’n early sleeper.” he mumbled as an afterthought.

“What?? That’s bull-- okay you know what?” Kili pulled Fili’s controller out of his hand and sat on it. This didn’t deter Fili, who immediately shoved his hands underneath Kili and clawed around. “Nah man I’m going to give you the ultimate American experience, here, _tonight_ : a steak, a blowjob, and some fucking fireworks, all under the goddamn stars.”

Fili pulled his hands into his own lap and stared back at Kili incredulously.

“Well okay, that sounds very good. Right now? This is right now?” he asked hopefully.

Kili laughed. “I said under the stars. The sun is starting to set now, but I’ll go ask Mom to make us a steak.” he pointed his thumb over his shoulder, towards the kitchen. He dropped his own controller as he stood and hurried away.

“Wait nooooo how to beat this boss?? This is for two player!” Fili whined, flopping onto his back.

 

An hour later, the boys were out in the backyard. The grass was dead and overgrown, weeds were rampant, and Kili’s childhood playthings were still in place. The sun was almost but a sliver on the horizon, and provided enough ample light for Fili to saw at his steak with his knife and fork. He was sitting at the top of the old, faded green plastic slide, feet resting on the ladder. On his lap was a plate with a nice juicy steak and A-1 sauce. Before him was Kili, standing on a lower rung of the ladder, leaning back at arm’s length.

“Good, huh? My mom sure makes one mean slab of meat.” Kili boasted. Fili meanwhile sat chewing and gnawing at the steak. Kili looked up at the sky and spotted a dim star. His heart skipped a beat, and then his ears perked up when he heard off in the distance a firework. Without a second thought, he scooped his hand underneath Fili’s plate and smacked it away dramatically. The plate and steak went flying wildly, and A-1 sauce splattered all over the lawn and the slide and the boys’ skin. Kili stared fiercely at Fili’s lap.

“Where did your shorts go? You were wearing them when I gave you the steak.”

Fili smiled. “Mermaid magic.” he shrugged.

“Good enough for me.” Kili nodded, [pushing apart Fili’s legs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8OlDPqYBLw).

 

“Ohh, I hope that plate didn’t break.”

Standing in Dis’ kitchen was her close friends and members of their local book club. They were all standing in front of the back door holding glasses of wine, watching Fili and Kili with hawk eyes. They all smiled knowingly and took salacious sips of wine every time Fili moaned loud enough for them to hear. By this time it was completely dark out. Fireworks were going off though, lighting up the night sky… and Fili’s face. Every bright flash showed a different expression of bliss, causing the book club to giggle wildly.

The fireworks finale came, and so did Fili. Colorful blasts went off in the sky quickly, creating [zoetrope effect](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3yarT_h2ws) on Fili as he orgasmed and fell back onto the slide. Down he went, landing in the old and crusty [red crab sandbox](http://sandboxforkids.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Step-2-Crabbie-Sandbox.jpg) at the bottom. Kili had forgotten about that, and he thought frantically about what to do before Fili realized what it was, if he did. In a moment of panic, Kili jumped up the last few steps to the slide and dove down it at an incredible speed, plowing into Fili with such force that it knocked the wind out of him.

Fili groaned and pushed Kili off. “Okay. Fire, blowwork and steakjob is good night. When are we doing this again?” he asked weakly.

“As soon as my mom’s friends stop watching us. And as soon as I learn to cook.”

 

                                                                                                  

The sky was overcast with clouds that day, and it was absolutely pouring. The boys sat on their asses in front of Fili’s enormous television, wearing only their pajamas and eating cereal and pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.

“Kili! It is four o’clock twenty! We need to light up!” Fili groaned, falling over from his spot on the sofa into Kili’s lap. Kili, with his arms stretched out on top of the furniture, threw his head back and laughed a slow, deep hearty chuckle. The television in front of them continued to play its marathon of vintage Scooby Doo.

“But Fili, we’ve been smoking all day! I’m high as fuck!” he laughed.

“But Kili! Four-twenty o’clock though! Kili we don’t--”

Fili was interrupted by several loud knocks on his apartment door.

“What.” Fili said, not moving except to stare through the haze at it. After a few moments, the knocking repeated. “WHAT.” Fili said louder. Kili began laughing all over again.

“I think you gotta answer the door man.”  
“No Kili I can’t, we don’t-- have-- there isno pizza yet we just phoned for it two minutes ago!”

“Nnooo Fili that was like three hours ago!” Kili groaned as he sat up to grab his phone on the coffee table. “Oh, I never actually pressed send. We never actually called them, fuck. And it’s only 2:40 I don’t know what the fuck clock you’re reading, but--”

“Fuck!”

The knocking on the door repeated, again, and this time much louder. Scrunching up his face, Fili finally peeled himself off the couch and walked over to the door. He undid all the locks and swung it open right as an extremely bright flash of lightning struck, making all the surroundings completely white.

A long crack of thunder followed as the flash abated.

[It left in its wake Thorin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNWpZ-Y_KvU), standing right on Fili’s doorstep and soaked to the bone. Behind Fili, the television played a dramatic organ chord as the main villain was revealed. Thorin was holding up his phone, which played a looping Vine.

“What is this?” Thorin asked incredulously.

Fili took a step back and shut the door calmly. He did up all the locks, then he turned around and walked to his bedroom.

“Who was it?” Kili asked him. When he received no response, he turned to look down the hall. “Fili? Who was it?”

Still no response. Kili stood and followed Fili to his room, concerned. He reached the back just in time to watch as Fili, wearing only his green plaid pajama pants and heather grey wifebeater, climbed out his bedroom window and disappeared.

 

~TBC~

-x-

 

 

Nope not sorry. You may have noticed that I have put an end chapter number on this fic. Yeah, it's ending soon. BUT. After that... there will be... another story. A similar story. You won't get any info out of me though, it's a surprise! I can't say much but-- [but I can give you this because it's relevant!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tqxzWdKKu8)  remember to comment and kudos homies! ttyl [hmu](lindir-official.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> Um... Questions? Comments? As usual, I wrote 90% of this just now lol. Hope you do enjoy this crack though.  
> As always; Lindir-Official on tumblr, hit me up, babes


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